BEST POKER/GAMBLING JOKES

[ooinsight]

Just got this in an email.

Two couples were playing poker one evening.
> > John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
> > When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
> > he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any
> > underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John
> > upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
> > the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to
> > the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
> > followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you
> > liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John
> > courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She
> > said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you
> > $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the
> > financial and moral costs of this offer, John
> > confirms that he is interested. She tells him that
> > since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and
> > John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2
> > p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around,
> > John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and
> > after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to
> > the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
> > John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came
> > home from work at 6 p.m. and upon
> > entering the house, asked his wife abruptly.
> > "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a
> > lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did
> > stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart
> > nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,
> > "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed
> > that somehow he had found out and after mustering
> > her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he
> > did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on
> > his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was
> > hoping he did. He came by the office this morning
> > and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop
> > by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay
> > me back."
>
> Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

[Hybrid_11]

the first one ive heard in a different variation which was a lot better in my opinion. the intro is the same but instead of the poker it was blackjack and was told to put his life savings.

He got dealt a 17 and the voice told him to hit
the guy complains but hits and an ace comes giving him 18

The voice tells him to hit again. The guy whines even more but eventually hits, another ace for 19

Voice says to hit again, guy compains and tells him are you crazy etc etc but eventually hits and another ace for 20

The voice again says hit, hit this is where the guy loses it, yelling at the voice about how dumb that is and he has 20 but the guy hits again finally, another ace for 21

The voice than says wow, i dont [censored] believe it...


sorry im in the middle of the session so not that well done but you get the idea

[pokerfoole]

[ QUOTE ]
ZeeJustin?


(cheap shot, but someone was going to do it)

[/ QUOTE ]

Strange, I was going to say trying to withdraw from Ultimate Bet.

[bobbyi]

FWIW, the first "voice" joke is in the book Poker Nation.

[mbeats]

Taken from Comedy Central website:
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."

[smoore]

The old standard:

Q: How do you get a professional poker player off of your porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza!

[Daliman]

Pretty sure I saw this joke here, the jist of it is this;

A poker players knoown for always borrowing $$$ one day wins the WSOP Main event, winning over 1 million dollars. He is a week later asked for an interview by a poker magazine;

Interviewer: So, 1 million $$$ is a lot of $$$. What plans do you have for it?
Player: Eh, pay off a couple people I owe $$$ to.....
Interviewer: And the rest?
Player: Well, the rest are just gonna hafta wait!


This might seem funnier if it wasn't essentially the true story of Matusow this year.

[tom10167]

If a joke is more than five sentences, it's not a joke.

1st - F
2nd - C

The siamese one owned my socks though.

[PokerPaul]

good one!

[tom10167]

[ QUOTE ]
Pretty sure I saw this joke here, the jist of it is this;

A poker players knoown for always borrowing $$$ one day wins the WSOP Main event, winning over 1 million dollars. He is a week later asked for an interview by a poker magazine;

Interviewer: So, 1 million $$$ is a lot of $$$. What plans do you have for it?
Player: Eh, pay off a couple people I owe $$$ to.....
Interviewer: And the rest?
Player: Well, the rest are just gonna hafta wait!


This might seem funnier if it wasn't essentially the true story of Matusow this year.

[/ QUOTE ]
Mike Matusow is a pretty good joke.