Funniest thing you've heard while playing online.

[ScottieK]

Funniest live game: I was dealing a home game with some married friends. One married couple featured a wife who was hitting every hand in sight and her husband who had to borrow several times from her. During a hand, her husband was heads-up against another guy.

Husband (apparently liking his hand, to wife): Gimme some of your chips.
Me: Sorry, you can’t borrow chips during a hand.
Husband: Why?
Wife: Because you’re going to lose AGAIN, that’s why!
Husband: What if you play my cards for me?
Wife: Just because you slap butter on s###, don’t make it biscuits.

He lost the hand, set against flush.

Funniest online:
Some guy: "Man, I can't hit a flop to save my life."
Me (being a punk): "Why don't you check the 'hit flops' option at the bottom of the screen?"
Some guy: "Is that why I'm losing? Can you describe where it is?"

ScottieK