My Wife's New "Buddy"

[Felix_Nietzsche]

This is not acceptable or proper behaviour for a married person - man or woman - to be doing. It is incredibly inappropriate, and puts you in a no-win situation: if you object, you're an insecure, jealous husband. If you do nothing about it, you're a pussy.
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Yep.......


Don't act jealous or insecure - act outraged and rightfully indignant. She is in the wrong - completely - and needs to be told that.
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You need to angry in a CALM way. No yelling. Be VERY firm. Tell her she is acting like a SINGLE women. If she wants to be single then she should grow a pair of balls and be upfront with you. You DESERVE HER TO BE UPFRONT WITH YOU. If she wants to be married then she needs to start acting like a married women. If she is not happy with the marriage, then should needs to be upfront with you. YOU DESERVE THIS. Tell her if your going to be married, then you need to trust her 100%, if you can't trust her, then WE have major marrietal problems and you're putting me in a tough position where I need to make decisions I really don't want to make.

Women can be expert bullshitters. Use the "broken record" technique".
If she denies she is acting like a single woman, listen and say "I heard you, I understand your positon, now understand this, you are actinf like a single woman, and I don't like this." Keep repeating this same mantra no matter what bullshit she says.

Keep telling her, I DESERVE ***YOU*** to be upfront with me.

[Felix_Nietzsche]

A quote: I don't want to be in the kind of relationship where my husband demands to read my email!
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Oh [censored]! I think your marriage is in big trouble. Grow a set of balls quick. Tell here she has two choices: Act like a married women or act like a single women.

[Felix_Nietzsche]

Jerkoff.......
My new rule is to ignore people with less than 50 posts......

[Jay.]

[ QUOTE ]
Yeah, I think this about sums it up.
She called back very upset. We talked about it and of course I withdrew my demand to see the email.

A quote: I don't want to be in the kind of relationship where my husband demands to read my email!

Ugh. Well, we worked out a sort of comprimise. She told me in detail the kinds of things that they talk about and aknowledged that I have a right to feel uncomfortable. In the end, if I can't trust her, I might as well dump her because I can't follow her around or install spyware to keep tabs on her. If she wants to cyber with fat guys in Sweden, so be it. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

It's not like I don't keep things from her, but in the end, she can trust me with the big stuff: No screwing around, no gambling away all our money, etc. So I should believe the same of her.

Dom's (and many others) advice was sound, but I need to figure out a smooth way to implement it. I'm not so good at confrontation.

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what the [censored]. how the [censored] can you trust someone who wont let you read her mails with a MAN she SEARCHED FOR. Like [censored], she told you the full details of the chats, if she did she would have let you read them, WITHOUT fuss. She'd let you hear chats to her boss? to her mother? Why? because they are innocent! She wont let you read a random email? Well that could be fine, she could have just called you an [censored] for farting in her direction. She wont let you read an email with a guy she speaks to online? Yea, i doubt the reason you can't read them is because you farted.

She is obviously hidding something and you are obviously a pussy. [censored], who cares if she is hidding something 'innocent' like cybersex, read that [censored], speak it over how you think it is innocent then move forward with your relationship. rather than wonder if she was saying 'flights to sweden are only $300 atm or 'my husband never compliments me like you do, i wish i was with you'.

Incase you are interested in self improvement rather than self [censored]'ing up this is were you [censored] up: 'I said I knew I was being unreasonable'. That is the [censored] you say when you are _scared_ of the reaction.

This posts annoys me because you bring down the male average of not being a pussy which step by step gives women more control.

[j0ep0ker]

[ QUOTE ]
Hi. I am an occasional OOT and strategy poster but since some of my friends read this board and know my name IRL I have to use an alias.

My wife informed me a week ago that she has been emailing back and forth with a guy she met on Friendster. This has been going on for maybe a month, though I’m not sure. She claims that he has made no hint of any sexual interest, and that she initiated contact with him because his profile looked cool and he lives in our area, very close-by in fact. She has not added him as a “friend” on that site nor have they ever met. She said right off that he’s a big dork and unattractive and that she’d never be interested.

First of all, how do you think I should react to this news? Is there anyone who thinks, SFW? Next case?


What I did do was become somewhat moody and vaguely disturbed (but stayed calm). I insisted she show me his emails and she agreed reluctantly. Then I asked to see his profile, and she showed me…He was not actually unattractive at all, at least no more than me, and he even looked a bit like me. He is unattached, but doesn’t appear to be a sleazeball in any way. She does have other male friends that I totally trust her around, including an ex-boyfriend. We are both in our early thirties and have been together for many years. This is the first interest she’s shown in another guy, even as a friend, since I have known her.

I am 99% sure she is not cheating on me, the least clue being that she told me about him unprovoked. What I am nervous about is 1. this may be a sign that she is losing interest in me. 2. this guy may be one of you OOT smoothies who pretends to be her best buddy teddybear until he’s got the fishy on the hook. She’s not stupid, but she does have more faith than me in a man’s ability to NOT be sexually attracted in a woman-friend. Anytime I do something dumbarsed, I’ll be afraid that she’s gonna run to him about it, but perhaps this is just paranoia.

I have not followed up on my request to read the emails he sent her.

What is my move here?

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Hey GirlTrouble, i sent you a PM about this... There is no point in posting it here because everyone thinks their answer is right and will just say i'm wrong.

[GirlTrouble]

Thanks for the advice joeP.

ALL:
I know these kinds of protests are useless, but that link to a porn site was just making fun of jake, who requested a link to my wife's friendster site, which I obviously wasn't going to give. So I am not a troll. I only say this so that people won't hesitate to give good advice to new posters. If it was a scam it was an exceedingly unfunny one.

Anyway, thanks again.
There's no update, really. We barely talked about it all weekend. But we did have a great time, and I gave her much affection and we screwed (for the first time in a while) yesterday afternoon.

To those who say I am a pussy, you are probably right. I do have that tendency with chicks, especially with her. But again, she's not a liar, she would never sneak around. What I am afraid of is losing her, not losing face. If that makes me a pussy, fine. But I think the solution as others have said is counseling and honesty, not spying. I will continue to tell her how wrong I think her "friendship" with this guy is, but I'm not gonna strongarm her. I'm not going to complain about it like a bitch, I'm just going to remind her that I think what she is doing makes me unhappy. I think eventually she'll just realize she's just being contrary, particularly if I start showing her more attention.

Thank you all,
Love,

Ed Miller.

Sike. But seriously, thanks.

[jakethebake]

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I know these kinds of protests are useless, but that link to a porn site was just making fun of jake, who requested a link to my wife's friendster site, which I obviously wasn't going to give.

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Actually I wanted a link to the wife's boyfriend's site.

[Felix_Nietzsche]

nd I gave her much affection and we screwed (for the first time in a while)
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First time in a while!? Like I said, you got problems my friend. One screw won't make them go away.


To those who say I am a pussy, you are probably right. I do have that tendency with chicks, especially with her. But again, she's not a liar, she would never sneak around. What I am afraid of is losing her, not losing face. If that makes me a pussy, fine.
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It is not about being pussy. It is about ACTING LIKE A MAN. Part of being a man is setting boundries and rules how others should treat you. Women respect men of strength and principles. You are going down a road where you will LOSE your woman and worse your SELF-RESPECT. I've been there. I had to learn it the hard way and evidently you do too. Know this, an average man may be twice as physical strong as a woman but the average woman is twice as EMOTIONAL strong as a man. She is smacking you around emotionally and you're too punch-drunk to see straight.


But I think the solution as others have said is counseling and honesty, not spying.
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There might be some good counselers out there but I know there are lots of bad ones. And NO you should not have to spy.... You should have a women who you trust. You don't have that now. Keep your eyes open buddy. If she starts going out for unexplained periods of time, I'd shop around for a good lawyer.


I will continue to tell her how wrong I think her "friendship" with this guy is, but I'm not gonna strongarm her. I'm not going to complain about it like a bitch,
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I've done the EXACT thing you doing now so I hope this softens the blow. You're acting like a bitch now. What you need to be is FIRM and ANGRY but a CALM and CONTROLED WAY. She is acting like a single woman. Not a married one. Sometimes to keep a woman you need to risk losing her. You need to say:
(1) She is behaving like a single woman
(2) You don't like it.
(3) You are not going to put up with it.
(4) If things don't changed NOW, you will make choices for her.
***(5)*** Be a man and follow up with #4, if she calls your hand. Hint, if she calls your hand, then this means you already lost her. All you appeasing now just put off the inevidentible.


I'm just going to remind her that I think what she is doing makes me unhappy. I think eventually she'll just realize she's just being contrary, particularly if I start showing her more attention.
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[Jay.]

This whole 'anti-spying' thing is annoying the hell out of me right now. 'I shouldn't sppy because i trust her' what? No you don't trust her, you are worried because she is speaking to a guy. Rightly so.

'Spying' although not the nicest way, is just a quick way of getting full information. You either read the emails realise she is doing nothing wrong and move on with your life or read the emails realise she is and move on with your life without her. Bingo, perfect.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
This whole 'anti-spying' thing is annoying the hell out of me right now. 'I shouldn't sppy because i trust her' what? No you don't trust her, you are worried because she is speaking to a guy. Rightly so.

'Spying' although not the nicest way, is just a quick way of getting full information. You either read the emails realise she is doing nothing wrong and move on with your life or read the emails realise she is and move on with your life without her. Bingo, perfect.

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I don't know what I'd do in this situation. I'm a pretty big privacy advocate but the whole cheating spouse thing really sucks (if she is in fact cheating or thinking about it). I'd like to think I would not spy on her, but in this situation, I might be tempted.