My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

Hi. I am an occasional OOT and strategy poster but since some of my friends read this board and know my name IRL I have to use an alias.

My wife informed me a week ago that she has been emailing back and forth with a guy she met on Friendster. This has been going on for maybe a month, though I’m not sure. She claims that he has made no hint of any sexual interest, and that she initiated contact with him because his profile looked cool and he lives in our area, very close-by in fact. She has not added him as a “friend” on that site nor have they ever met. She said right off that he’s a big dork and unattractive and that she’d never be interested.

First of all, how do you think I should react to this news? Is there anyone who thinks, SFW? Next case?


What I did do was become somewhat moody and vaguely disturbed (but stayed calm). I insisted she show me his emails and she agreed reluctantly. Then I asked to see his profile, and she showed me…He was not actually unattractive at all, at least no more than me, and he even looked a bit like me. He is unattached, but doesn’t appear to be a sleazeball in any way. She does have other male friends that I totally trust her around, including an ex-boyfriend. We are both in our early thirties and have been together for many years. This is the first interest she’s shown in another guy, even as a friend, since I have known her.

I am 99% sure she is not cheating on me, the least clue being that she told me about him unprovoked. What I am nervous about is 1. this may be a sign that she is losing interest in me. 2. this guy may be one of you OOT smoothies who pretends to be her best buddy teddybear until he’s got the fishy on the hook. She’s not stupid, but she does have more faith than me in a man’s ability to NOT be sexually attracted in a woman-friend. Anytime I do something dumbarsed, I’ll be afraid that she’s gonna run to him about it, but perhaps this is just paranoia.

I have not followed up on my request to read the emails he sent her.

What is my move here?

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

Paging Dr. Dominic

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

We have a winner for Ask Dr Dom Part 2.

EDIT - I type slow [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

Sounds like your marriage is in trouble at least as much because of your insecurity as any potential infidelity on her part.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

Definitely read the emails.

Then put a stop to it. If she's looking to another man for emotional companionship then something is seriously lacking in your relationship.

I doubt she is 'cheating' in the physical sense. However, once an emotional bond is developed between the two of them you may become expendable to her.

PG

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

I'd suggest you be cool on this. Tell your wife that she should set up a happy hour for the three of you. Go, and be a cool guy. Do not show weakness (like jealousy). Get to know him. Let her have her friend. If he starts coming on to her after the fact she'll be honest with you.
Work on your relationship with your wife also. You shouldn't be freaking because your wife has a friend that happens to have a dick.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

your move is to demand she stop contacting this strange man. Period. If she doesn't, your marriage is over.

Harsh? Yes. An ultimatum, Yes.

But what your wife is doing is unacceptable. Certainly as unacceptable as if you were contacting a strange female online. While her motives may be strictly innocent (doubtful but possible) - his motives are certainly not.

Granted, your wife may not be getting what she needs from you emotionally - if that's the case, she needs to tell you so and you can discuss and solves things as a couple.

Seriously - this is not behaviour a married man or woman should be doing. At all.

And I know I'm going to get slammed for my harsh line here, but I believe in nipping problems like this in the bud, before they evolve into bigger problems.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

You say that you have been together for many years. She may be feeling too comfortable with you, and is experimenting to see if she is still attractive/desirable to other men i.e. it may be quite innocent.
Would she really be so open about it if something was going on

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

[ QUOTE ]
If she's looking to another man for emotional companionship then something is seriously lacking in your relationship.

[/ QUOTE ]

I agree with this 100%.

Re: My Wife\'s New \"Buddy\"
 

Either you trust your wife or you don't. If you do, this is fine. The fact that she went out of her way to tell you about it makes me think there's nothing fishy going on (she was probably worried about the appearance of impropriety). If you don't trust her, you need to address that issue pronto because if it isn't this guy, it'll be someone else (if you think she'd cheat on you at all).

If you're worried that you're not giving her something she needs in your relationship, you should start giving it to her or definitely be worried she'll look elsewhere for it.