My Wife's New "Buddy"

[KilgoreTrout]

Didn't make it through all the posts. Do both of you post on swinger sites or something? If you play with fire....

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

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she is reluctant to show you emails exchanged between her and another man? yeah, listen to mr. trik he gives sound advice.

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Wife was comfortable enough with the situation to inform the husband.
Husband displayed mild jealousy and suspicion, an understandable initial reaction.
Husband came to OOT, received wildly divergent suggestions.
Wife called, Husband acted even more jealous and suspicious.
Wife displayed negative reaction to this.
Wife will no longer be comfortable telling husband about online connections again.

This is bad.

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It's like when you're house-training a dog. If they take a dump and you don't catch him in the act, but you shove his face in it and yell at him later, then next time he's just going to take a dump behind the couch where he thinks you won't find it.

[tdarko]

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This is the correct play. Put it on, and leave it on. Once she's had the thrill of being pursued on-line, she'll be drawn to it over and over again. No matter how this instance of her having an on-line "buddy" ends up, you are aren't going to be done with this issue. Been there.... and learned this the hard way...

Also, maybe she brought it up so casually because she did something stupid like forgot to clear the cache or left some other evidence that she wasn't sure if you saw or not. She figures that if she mentions it, her being so open about it will make it appear innocent.

This isn't innocent and this isn't OK.

My .02

Mars

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this is really a very good post filled with stuff i didn't think of.

[NhlNut]

Of course she is testing you. She is in need of something, and is using this guy as a kick in the pants to you. So take a hint.

Say you are uncomfortable, say you want it to stop, and then get her to tell you why she is getting involved with this other guy.

And when is someone going to start a DominicIsRight gimmick account?

[bernie]

I kinda like Doms' views on this.

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When you get married, you FORSAKE all others. You've got each other's back, right?


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Unless they wrote their own vows that differ. [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

In regards to the rest of the response, which I totally agree with, it should be noted that in marriage you should be growing together. It's not the time to be trying to become independent and your own person at the other persons expense the way one does when breaking away from parents.

Yes, her side might be innocent. Most gals seem to have their head in the sand on this issue. Most Guys' intentions on a website to meet people aren't innocent.

However, some sites, like myspace for instance, have forums where people are part of that you will meet people a little more innocently.

Edit: I just looked up on the Friendster homepage to see who they're catering to. It's a dating site all the way. Look at the bottom of the page: Meet hot guy's or girls. 'Meet attached women looking for discreet relationships'. In fact, I don't see anything on this homepage about just meeting friends.

b

[bernie]

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"Well, it's my right to go out wih my buddies on the weekend and party - I'm not cheating, I'm not doing anything wrong."

No, you're not - except you're hurting your wife's feelings by not spending time with her. Your wife's feelings COMES FIRST. Period.

It doesn't matter that what you're doing is "not wrong," it's still hurting your wife. Address that! Come to a compromise!

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I think you're a little strong on this one, Dom. The compromise part is the key here. If you just let her demand you stay home all the time, then you're the one getting hurt. You can't just let her demand you stay home all the time either. You have to strike a balance. Give each other space and time to do things apart, but also do plenty together. If you can find the balance no one's feelings should get hurt.

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I agree with this.

b

[GirlTrouble]

Yeah, I think this about sums it up.
She called back very upset. We talked about it and of course I withdrew my demand to see the email.

A quote: I don't want to be in the kind of relationship where my husband demands to read my email!

Ugh. Well, we worked out a sort of comprimise. She told me in detail the kinds of things that they talk about and aknowledged that I have a right to feel uncomfortable. In the end, if I can't trust her, I might as well dump her because I can't follow her around or install spyware to keep tabs on her. If she wants to cyber with fat guys in Sweden, so be it. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

It's not like I don't keep things from her, but in the end, she can trust me with the big stuff: No screwing around, no gambling away all our money, etc. So I should believe the same of her.

Dom's (and many others) advice was sound, but I need to figure out a smooth way to implement it. I'm not so good at confrontation.

[Pyromaniac]

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Meet hot guy's or girls. 'Meet attached women looking for discreet relationships'.

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That's a Google Ad and not part of Frienster, I think. Try the "tour".

[wh1t3bread]

That's good that you have things somewhat worked out now, but I think you really need to find out (and now probably isnt the best time to bring it up) why she is seeking out a new friend on the internet of all places.

Something is probably missing and she might not even know what it is. But the two of you need to figure it out and fix it.

[RunDownHouse]

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She called back very upset. We talked about it...

...I'm not so good at confrontation.

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That much is obvious. Start with talking about this face-to-face.