Question for happily married people

[RacersEdge]

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I wish I could read these threads and come away with the idea that I really want to get married.

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Marriage is not for everyone.

I've been married 14 years now and intend to be with the same woman until I'm gone from this place. The only "secret" to making it this long that I can lay claim goes back to before making the decision to get married that "divorce was never an option" (except under extreme circumstances). By setting that as the standard, you can work through anything. Since none of our disagreements enter divorce as the ultimate option of possible outcomes, it has never headed in that direction. If divorce "is" an option for something less than an extreme situation, then it can often resonate in some of the arguments you may have with your spouse.

Is my wife the only person that could make me happy? Probably not, but I realize I have a good thing and I don't want to screw it up. I enjoy going home each night to my wife and kids--they need me and I need them.

Also, a "happy marriage" does not mean that there are not disagreements and unpleasant times. Many people say that the happiest times of the lives were the first couple of years they were married; I've always said that I'd never go through the first couple of years of my marriage again. Getting adjusted from a free swinging bachelor (selfish, self-centered individual) to a person with obligations and commitments was a difficult adjustment that took a while to get through.

I hope this helps.

dandy

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I don't doubt that I could get married and "make it work", just like there is no doubt I could stay at my current job for 30 years. The question is that the best thing to do considering all the options? Being forced to make a marriage work through compromise and sacrifice doesn't seem like the best state to be in.

[ripdog]

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Who's the longest married in OOT, I wonder? I'll be 17 yrs in 4 monrths.

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I've been married to her for almost 9 years, we started dating around this date in 1984.

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8 years in June for me. 4 daughter is due the day before our anniversary. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

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AHA!! Your a busy beaver, aren't you? Congrats! Child #2 is a possibility for me at this point--we'll see in a day or two.

[vulturesrow]

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Who's the longest married in OOT, I wonder? I'll be 17 yrs in 4 monrths.

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I've been married to her for almost 9 years, we started dating around this date in 1984.

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8 years in June for me. 4 daughter is due the day before our anniversary. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

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AHA!! Your a busy beaver, aren't you? Congrats! Child #2 is a possibility for me at this point--we'll see in a day or two.

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Heh thanks. Let me know when you find out. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[Sluss]

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1. You have to be prepared to compromise
2. You have to be prepared to trust
3. You have to shake off any selfishness, and be prepared to put the needs/hopes of the other ahead of yours (sometimes, not all the time). Removing selfishness is extremely important if you are intending to have children, cos then, what's good for your children becomes paramount to pretty much anything.
4. You do have to find a place/space for your own time - even if it's 15 minutes in the bathroom each day reading the paper.


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I like all of these.

I also think it is very important to know your signifigant other. Know when to bring stuff up and how to bring it up. Knowing that she doesn't like to hear bad news at dinner or that you can't joke with her when she is tired and more important and not as obvious times.

So many people live in their own world. Don't try and jam someone in, you'll figure it out when they belong there.

Granted I'm only married 3 years in August with no kids, so I might have very little figured out.

[The Cruiser]

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happily married people

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There was one? [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

[dcasper70]

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happily married people

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There was one? [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

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you registered for that???

[ScottieK]

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happily married people

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There was one? [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

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DB? [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

ScottieK

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Oreo- we have talked about this in depth so I will be brief here. One little thing I think can help is trying to regularly remember why your wife/girlfriend is important to you and what you found so appealing in the beginning. Then obviously showing your appreciation follows

[FishNChips]

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Utah: every time I read one of your posts about marriage/relationships I can't help but feel like I'm nothing more than the dog in your avatar. Seriously, you really believe that we are no more than breeding machines and that the need to survive and breed with the strongest gened partner we can find drives everything we do? Wow.

[/ QUOTE ] Honestly, I don't mean to be argumentative on this. But, to answer your question - Yes. Science and logic dictate this. Why would you think we are anything else? What in science or logic tells us we are more that surviving and breeding machines?

I think that once we accept this our lives are much freer. We understand our reaction to things better. We can shape better social policy. We have better marriages. It can only be a good thing to accept our real nature. Maybe I am wrong. But, let’s at least strive to understand our reality whatever it is  I am an open thinker - give me an alternative theory supported by the evidence and I will be happy to change my mind

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The fact that we seek "happiness" (sometimes in ways that are destructive, sometimes in ways that are constructive) tells me that we are not just breeding machines. I don't have a study or an experiment or even a little test on 2 unsuspecting women so you're free to dismiss this out of hand.


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Utah does a disservice by trivializing those points and steering the argument away from those things.

[/ QUOTE ] I didn’t steer the argument away. I address them specifically and said they don’t work. Is the history of marriage not evidence of this?

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I think your argument here is flawed. You are saying that the record of marriages throughout history proves that these don't work. I think that the record of marriage throughout history proves that these items aren't accepted and put in practice nearly enough. I would argue that the number of posters here who have long marriages (have gotten past the 7yr itch) that say that these are key points should say something about the validity of DBs statement. I know, sample size.


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Does one really believe marriage can be solved by comprise, and mutual respect, and the lot? I can’t see how anyone could possibly believe that in the face of the evidence. If it can be solved by those things wouldn’t marriage have a much better success rate?

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yes, I believe that these things can "solve" marriage. What evidence? That 50% of marriages fail? That doesn't tell you WHY they failed. It just says that they do. It could easily be that 50% of marriages are entered into by at least 1 partner saying "[censored] it! I'm gonna get mine and if that don't work then I'm out of here." Is it so hard to believe that at least 25% of people that get married don't really truly believe that they are going to stay together forever UNLESS their "NEEDS" are met?

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Now, one might say that those things don't work because of a me-me-me society. But, that is the society we live in and until you change society you will not change the attitude.

[/ QUOTE ] OK, so it could very easily be that a lot of people that get married are selfish and they don't give up this selfish attitude when they get married. So maybe this could have something to do with the 50% divorce rate?


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Can we agree, given the disastrous record of marriage, that something is broken in the model? Can we agree that trying to find comprise and respect and such does not work for the majority of people (for whatever the reason)?

[/ QUOTE ] I don't think we can agree here. The model of marriage is one of total self sacrifice. It is one of dying to yourself and meeting the needs of the other. If BOTH parties have this attitude then the needs of the marriage are met and both parties are overall happy, even if they aren't always happy.
We can however agree that this doesn't work for a lot people BECAUSE a lot of people aren't really willing to do it.

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Respectfully, I think it is a disservice to the OP to pitch him a model for marriage success that has shown to be a dismal failure.

[/ QUOTE ] Again, I think you're making a leap here. 50% of marriages fail. I don't know the overriding reason that they do, but several posters with >5yrs of marriage have said "DB's advice works for us and we're happily married." The model is "love your spouse enough to lay down your life for him/her," and not necessarily in a "I'll take the bullet" heroic way, but in a "your needs are more important, I'll let this thing go and we'll do your thing" way.

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Would it be a disservice to tell an alcoholic who wants to quit drinking so heavily that his plan to limit himself to one drink at the bar a night is a recipe for failure?

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bad analogy. lots of evidence about alchoholism. not so much evidence about why marriages work/don't work.

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To the point about not being purely instinctual beings that have the true capability to overcome our primal instincts…..well, I tried my only little test on this recently... So, if my theory is wrong then why did these women respond the way they did? Why would they tell you the keys to their happy marriage was respect and compromise and then be so willing to jump into another man's arms? Their husbands were “perfect” and showed respect and compromise yet that didn’t help. Please help me explain the results if I am wrong. I highly doubt that by pure chance I just picked out the worlds 2 biggest hos.

I don't mean to be pessimistic about human nature. To be perfectly honest, I am a dreamer and I want to believe in a world of princes and princesses and fairytales. But man, look at the evidence.

I provide the simple little experiments to test my ideas. Simply run them for yourselves.

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I'm not sure where to begin arguing this one... we know nothing about the women other than they are professional women who have told you that they have good marraiges. Clearly their actions say that they don't. We have exactly NO idea what is going on at their home. Clearly if they're willing to [censored] you then they haven't got the "give up selfishness" thing figured out yet, have they. It would be pretty selfish of them to do that, no? I'm sorry, but your "little experiment" proves nothing. Women that are willing to be seduced can be seduced. Women that aren't, can't.

to add a little levity : Now, if you use those moves on DieBitter, you might have a chance!

Clearly you're an intelligent guy and from posts by you and your wife, you guys are happy and what you have works for you. I am thrilled for you guys. I just think we disagree on this. That's cool. Better for OP to see lots of sides to this and figure out what works. I shouldn't have included "derail" in my first post .. my bad there.

Again, happy Anniversary!
FishNChips

[diebitter]

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happily married people

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There was one? [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]

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DB? [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

ScottieK

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Nope