Question for happily married people

oreopimp · #1 06-02-2006, 01:59 AM

Going through a break up right now that had to do with issues of communication and me being emotionally guarded. Pretty much issues Ive had forever (Im 25 now) from childhood issues and past relationship issues. I decided to make a huge 180 too late in the game and we ended up splitting up a month after, Im still owrking on my issues with success and seeking help and rolemodels elsewhere (things Ive never done or had) instead of inwardly working on all my issues and not communicating them or seeking outward influences. So besides the break up bringing me down, how I am dealing with things is pretty new. Feels weird to let down walls and work on being open.

anyway, my question is basically this. What kind of advice would you give to someone about making relationships/marraiges work with success. It can be simple/obvious or just things you have learned as you have lived on through your relationships and/or marriage.

diebitter · #2 06-02-2006, 03:32 AM

1. You have to be prepared to compromise
2. You have to be prepared to trust
3. You have to shake off any selfishness, and be prepared to put the needs/hopes of the other ahead of yours (sometimes, not all the time). Removing selfishness is extremely important if you are intending to have children, cos then, what's good for your children becomes paramount to pretty much anything.
4. You do have to find a place/space for your own time - even if it's 15 minutes in the bathroom each day reading the paper.

dcasper70 · #3 06-02-2006, 06:30 AM

[ QUOTE ]
simple/obvious

[/ QUOTE ]
Deal with your own issues first. Bringing baggage into a relationship rarely helps. Since you're only 25, you have plenty of time for this. Find a professional to talk to about these issues.
25 is a weird age. Some people have it all figured out by then. Others are still working on finding themselves. You may be in that 2nd group. Spend some time on you before you bring someone else into the picture.

And don't worry so much, we all go through this crap. Well, except diebitter, he was born cool....

Elevens · #4 06-02-2006, 07:50 AM

My best advice is that no matter how long you've been together/married, you are still dating. Treat her the same way you did when you were trying to sweep her off her feet. Don't get complacent. Occassionaly show up with flowers for no reason. Schedule a regular "date night" and do something together -- dinner, a movie, whatever.

KingOtter · #5 06-02-2006, 08:04 AM

I've been married 10 years, and when I figure it out, I'll let you know.

I just love my wife, and am extremely committed to our marriage and family. And there isn't much she could say, or do that could change that. As in, we never have an argument that makes me question my commitment.

We don't really communicate very well, and have very few interests in common. We hold the same core beliefs about raising kids and family, though. We both agree there is very little hers and mine, and a whole lot of 'ours' when it comes to finances, etc though (even though I'm the only one working). And you have to be willing to put in your share of the housework so that she doesn't feel she's tackling it alone.

The only thing that could threaten it was if Alyssa Milano knocked on my door and said 'let's go'.

KO

dcasper70 · #6 06-02-2006, 08:22 AM

[ QUOTE ]
The only thing that could threaten it was if Alyssa Milano knocked on my door and said 'let's go'.

[/ QUOTE ]
My wife loves Alyssa, so she'd probably want to come along. [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

Utah · #7 06-02-2006, 08:35 AM

[ QUOTE ]
1. You have to be prepared to compromise
2. You have to be prepared to trust
3. You have to shake off any selfishness, and be prepared to put the needs/hopes of the other ahead of yours (sometimes, not all the time). Removing selfishness is extremely important if you are intending to have children, cos then, what's good for your children becomes paramount to pretty much anything.
4. You do have to find a place/space for your own time - even if it's 15 minutes in the bathroom each day reading the paper.

[/ QUOTE ]

If it were that easy how come most marriages end in complete disaster? Respectfully, that advise sounds good on paper but almost never really works in practice.

Also, in regards to the original poster, I believe working on inner feelings and crap like that will have about zero success in helping future relationships. At the core of a person's desire for a relationship is their instinctual needs - which is primarily finding a mate with strong genes. The emotional state of the partner has little to do with it except in how that emotional state signals strong or weak genes.

I think KingOtter's comment reflect this well. He and his wife have little in common and they do not communicate well. Yet, they stay together and my guess is that it is because of the primary need to reproduce effectively. I am guessing his last comment about Milano was a bit of a joke but I think it is illustrative - for most men they would risk a happy marriage to fulfill their primary instinctual need to have sex with the perfect woman.

I am very happily married - fantastically so. However, I am about 100% sure I would risk it all to have sex with Sunny Leone. We are just built like that.

btw - today is Mrs. Utah's and my 10th wedding anniversary and we have been together for 13 years.

Scary_Tiger · #8 06-02-2006, 08:40 AM

1. Make sure your wife holds out on you for long periods of time. [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] You'll love her even more!

irvman21 · #9 06-02-2006, 08:45 AM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
1. You have to be prepared to compromise
2. You have to be prepared to trust
3. You have to shake off any selfishness, and be prepared to put the needs/hopes of the other ahead of yours (sometimes, not all the time). Removing selfishness is extremely important if you are intending to have children, cos then, what's good for your children becomes paramount to pretty much anything.
4. You do have to find a place/space for your own time - even if it's 15 minutes in the bathroom each day reading the paper.

[/ QUOTE ]

If it were that easy how come most marriages end in complete disaster? Respectfully, that advise sounds good on paper but almost never really works in practice.

Also, in regards to the original poster, I believe working on inner feelings and crap like that will have about zero success in helping future relationships. At the core of a person's desire for a relationship is their instinctual needs - which is primarily finding a mate with strong genes. The emotional state of the partner has little to do with it except in how that emotional state signals strong or weak genes.

I think KingOtter's comment reflect this well. He and his wife have little in common and they do not communicate well. Yet, they stay together and my guess is that it is because of the primary need to reproduce effectively. I am guessing his last comment about Milano was a bit of a joke but I think it is illustrative - for most men they would risk a happy marriage to fulfill their primary instinctual need to have sex with the perfect woman.

I am very happily married - fantastically so. However, I am about 100% sure I would risk it all to have sex with Sunny Leone. We are just built like that.

btw - today is Mrs. Utah's and my 10th wedding anniversary and we have been together for 13 years.

[/ QUOTE ]

Happy Anniversary, but who said those things were easy? I know some great people who are completely doomed in any relationship because they have been screwed over in the past and just cannot brings themselves to really trust that this new person won't do the same.

Not to mention that the world is filled with plenty of people with no desire to put the wants and needs of someone else in front of their own. If the relationship can't work entirely on their terms, [censored] it, move on to someone else.

Utah · #10 06-02-2006, 08:47 AM

[ QUOTE ]
1. Make sure your wife holds out on you for long periods of time. You'll love her even more!

[/ QUOTE ]Before you make such a cute little snappy one-liner you should go back and read what I said. My point in that thread was that sex was an overriding objective and to prove its importance you should go several days without it and without any other release. I did not recommend anything else.

But, hey.....keep up with the hilarious little comments as they are obviously working for you.