guilt by association

[gorie]

i'm not sure that is the right subject exactly. but anyway..

let's say someone did something bad enough for you to know you no longer want anything to do with them, because you don't think they are a good person. you know this person doesn't like you, either. you don't trust them.

since everyone is going to have a different opinion on what is 'bad enough' to cause this feeling, the specifics don't really matter - just assume it was something bad enough to make you feel this way, and strongly dislike this person.

now, let's say your friend, is friends with this 'bad' person.

how do you deal with this ? do you start to think less of your friend for wanting to keep them as a friend ?

do you expect them to make a choice (you, obviously) ? after all, a friend is suppose to have your back, right ?

do you remain friends with them & accept that they are going to stay friends with this person (who are you to tell someone who they can be friends with ?) and try to keep separate from their world with the person you want nothing to do with ? what happens if you realize this isn't going to work ?

do you try to ignore your feelings for the sake of your friend ?

do you pull yourself away from both people to not create problems between the two of them ?

would you avoid other people in this 'bad person's life (even though they might be good people)?


i was just thinking about this (i have been this situation in the past) and i am curious how other people react to problems like this.

have you ever had to deal with something like this ?

do your answers change at all if the 'friend' is a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife ?

[Rubeskies]

I think this is really dependent on what the person did and how the friend views what happened. The friend will probably end up deciding based mostly on that.

[GambleGamble]

If I was good friend with the "non-dick", I would keep that relationship open, but let them know I don't want to have any dealings with the "dick"...

...as a true friend would understand not cause conflict, obviously theres certian instances (weddings etc) where this couldnt happen, but otherwise you should be able to cut them out of your life or at least avoid them as much as possible...

...time heals all wounds anyways

[keikiwai]

i've seen this happen w/ divorces/break ups. most people opt to axe everyone associated w/ one side from their to see list. there's a few people i've known who can stay friends w/ both sides, or not one person but the rest, but it is a skill... however it's worth it to try, since you will lose less friends.

why don't you ask friend number 2 what they think about the agregious actions of friend number 1? otherwise, you can make all sorts of ridiculous assumptions.

also don't judge friendships unless you know their history. i have a friend who've i've been friends w/ since i was 8. he could do many things that would cause more recent friends to disown him, but i'd stick by him because of our history.

[Requin]

Depends on whether you disliked/mistrusted the douche before, or only because of the thing that person did. If it was one really terrible thing that caused all this animosity, then I would expect my friend to take my side. If there was a longstanding feud between me and the douche, then I would not expect my friend to have to choose sides at all, I would just make it clear that I'm not spending time with this person who I can't stand.

Basically I don't expect my friends to only like the same people I like, but I would expect them to back me up if someone really [censored] me.

[Filip]

I think you need to have a conversation with your friend about the "did something bad enough" too see if you share the same viewpoint. If not then maybe your friend doesnt share your values and a detachment from both might be the correct way.

[jba]

Gorie,

really depends on how much I understand the counterpoint to my position. Sometimes something could bother me much, much more than the average person would be bothered, so I kind of get if my other buddy isn't annoyed enough.

[Anacardo]

Hi Gorie, chiming in.

This is always a very, very tough spot. People are different; they have different things they find unacceptable, different sets of values, different sets of standards for other peoples' behavior, etc.

You strike me as the high-standard type when it comes to doing right by other people, and also fairly sensitive and self-protective. So even though you've cut it off with this one person, it's probably still going to bother you when you have to deal with people within both your "groups." You just have to ask yourself a lot of questions here.

1) Do you feel you're within your rights, or perhaps even that you ought, to try and convince your friend that your ex-friend is no good? How close are your friend and your ex-friend? How egregious was the offense? Was it the sort of thing that could constitute a "mistake," though maybe still an unforgiveable one, or the sort of thing that defines them for who they are? Lot of stuff to think about there. Anyway, it's something to talk about.

2) If your friend and your ex-friend are going to continue to have a relationship, and you want to still be friends with the "good" friend, you have to ask yourself whether it's possible to have a relationship with that person that's not completely tinted by the existence of the ex-friend. I had a situation like this where I pretty much had to write off everyone associated with the guy, b/c he dominated his entire group of friends. All his ideas were theirs, their values & ways of living were heavily influenced by his, and in rejecting his way of thinking, I had to be done with all of theirs, too. Your mileage may vary, however.

I'm sorry people have to suck so god-damned much, especially when it's people you like & have a good time with. It's kind of a stupid world we live in. March on, you stalwart soldier of decency & kindness.

[keikiwai]

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stalwart soldier of decency & kindness

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^^^ quick gorie, get a mod to make this your subtitle ^^^

good advice btw, anacardo, it's a tough spot, don't rush to any judgements, let things stew a while, you can always break it off w/ someone later, but once broken off, there will be hard feelings, and it's usually a one way road

[gorie]

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stalwart soldier of decency & kindness

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^^^ quick gorie, get a mod to make this your subtitle ^^^



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haha, that could make me look really bad really fast.