Surrounded by seperation

Nickelcity · #1 03-10-2006, 01:14 PM

I'll start with my situation first. I got married 7 months ago to my girlfriend of 8 years. We bought a house 4 months ago.

In the last 6 months, 3 of my close family members have decided to seperate from their spouses. The first was my cousin, whose marriage lasted 6 months before he packed up and got his own place. They had lived together for 8 years prior to getting married. Next, my brother, married for 10 years with a child has decided he and his wife are seperating. Now, another cousin, married for 20 years with a child, have decided to seperate.

These 3 couples, as well as my wife and I, are all close and hang out a lot. All these break-ups are upsetting me and I want to remove this poison from my life before any of these feelings enter my marriage. My wife and I want things to last and although everything is fine now, we're concerned that just associating with these people that the notion of seperation may enter either one of our heads.

I don't think there is any coincidence that they have announced their seperations within 6 months of each other. Obviously the thought has been there, and it took 1 of them to open the flood gates.

These 3 couples were all married before me, and I had seen characteristics in each marriage that provided a positive example for my decision to get married. They all attended my wedding ceremony and reception.

Am I justified to reduce my contact with them to not only remove the negative influence of seperation, but to also show my displeasure and disapproval of their selfish and cowardly decisions?

I have not told any of them how I feel, I care for them very much, but I'm not sure it's my place to say anything.

lil' · #2 03-10-2006, 03:25 PM

Decisions that are made in a family affect more than those immediately involved. There is a ripple effect that spreads throughout the family system, and you are certainly experiencing that right now.

[ QUOTE ]
These 3 couples were all married before me, and I had seen characteristics in each marriage that provided a positive example for my decision to get married.

[/ QUOTE ]
Your view of marriage has been rocked a little bit by this rash of separations. That's understandable. You may have had a belief in your head that your family was above behavior like this without even realizing it. As a newlywed, you may have wanted to believe (and maybe still do want to beleive) that marriages between two good people always work.

[ QUOTE ]
Am I justified to reduce my contact with them to...show my displeasure and disapproval of their selfish and cowardly decisions?

[/ QUOTE ]
You obviously have very strong feelings about this, but be careful about judging them too harshly. Husbands and wives have things between them that only they know about, so it may be worth finding out more. It's highly likely that they feel terrible right now.

The good news is, they are not you. You sound very committed to your marriage, which is always good. Perhaps you could use this as an opportunity to remind yourself how lucky you are to have found each other.

Nickelcity · #3 03-10-2006, 03:49 PM

When they got married, they probably were like me, thinking that it was going to last. I don't think our genetics are superior or anything like that, I just respected these guys and thought they'd put the effort in, rather than just letting it go. Maybe some things are worth fighting for. It's unfair for me to call their decisions selfish and cowardly, but I can't help thinking I'm at least partially right.

My wife and I have talked about it a lot. We are just trying to use our time now to build our relationsip with each other, and with other successful couples we know. With all the stress of day to day life, it's hard to find the energy and commitment to work on the important things.

PokerAce · #4 03-10-2006, 04:55 PM

Divorce happens. People change and discover they are no longer compatible with each other. This doesn't make them evil.

This is your family. They need your support. It's unlikely that associating with them will do anything to your marriage, unless there's already issues between you and your wife. Cutting yourself off from them will do nothing but make you look like an ass. They will feel that you think you are better than they are, and it sounds like they might be right.

I'm going through a divorce right now. My wife and I are not compatible. What do you think would be better? Me and her staying together and being miserable for the next 50 years, or us divorcing now and not being miserable for the next 50 years? Seems like a no brainer to me. There's nothing cowardly about it. Also, since when is making a mutual decision that will make both parties happy, selfish?

Please don't abandon these people, even if you don't approve of their decisions. People need support in these situations. They are already going through a lot, they don't need to have their other family turning against them.

Nickelcity · #5 03-10-2006, 05:06 PM

This is gold.

It's hard to empathize sometimes with other situations. I suppose now is not a good time to withdraw support, if they need it. I might have a superiority complex, but I really want to see them succeed in their marriage and be happy. I'm not friends with the same people I was 10 years ago and I know there's no reason a married couple can't be the same.

Usually logic, common sence and rational thinking comes before emotions for me. But these situations are really effing me up. Thanks for the insight.

Would you be cool with a friend asking you straight up, "What's with you and your wife? Why are divorcing?". I don't want to know why from a gossip standpoint, but I actually give a crap about what's going on in their lives, like, a lot.

PokerAce · #6 03-10-2006, 05:32 PM

Yes, divorce is difficult, even if it's a mutual decision. Please be there for them. Tell them that you don't understand their decision or situation, but you are there if they need you.

There are some things that happened between my wife and I that I won't discuss with anyone, because it's our business really and nobody else's. The main reason for our divorce is that we are incompatible. We each have needs that the other can't fulfil. If a friend came up and asked me, I would tell them that. If you are close to them, you are likely to get the full story, or at least most of the story.

Don't pry too much though, especially now. Just offer support and be a good friend to them. If they know you aren't judging them, and are there for them, they will probably end up telling you what happened.

Nickelcity · #7 03-10-2006, 05:39 PM

Thanks. That sounds totally reasonable, now I'll at least know how to approach the subject, and offer my support.

spsurfin_Michael · #8 03-11-2006, 12:45 AM

Let me qualify my reply by stating that I am a shrink by profession. I strongly discourage you from engaging in conversations with these family members regarding their divorces. The worst thing you can do is get in the middle—it will effect you and your wife in a negative manner.

Be there, support them, but remember you are not their therapist. If they have a need to talk, suggest they get couples divorce counseling—it is a highly effective method of helping the coupe deal with the emotional issues and significantly improve the post divorce relationship.

sandsmarc · #9 03-13-2006, 08:39 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Yes, divorce is difficult, even if it's a mutual decision. Please be there for them. Tell them that you don't understand their decision or situation, but you are there if they need you.

There are some things that happened between my wife and I that I won't discuss with anyone, because it's our business really and nobody else's. The main reason for our divorce is that we are incompatible. We each have needs that the other can't fulfil. If a friend came up and asked me, I would tell them that. If you are close to them, you are likely to get the full story, or at least most of the story.

Don't pry too much though, especially now. Just offer support and be a good friend to them. If they know you aren't judging them, and are there for them, they will probably end up telling you what happened.

[/ QUOTE ]

"Incompatible" usually means you were selfish and is usually a code word for the fact that you cheated on her. Boredom is the most frequent reason for divorce these days. People think their spouses are like VCR's. Throw them away when a new model arrives.

PokerAce · #10 03-13-2006, 09:48 PM

[ QUOTE ]
"Incompatible" usually means you were selfish and is usually a code word for the fact that you cheated on her. Boredom is the most frequent reason for divorce these days. People think their spouses are like VCR's. Throw them away when a new model arrives.

[/ QUOTE ]

No, "incompatible" means "incompatible." You don't know me or the situation, but yet you assume I cheated on my wife because I said we were incompatible?

For your information, I never cheated on my wife. We got married, after a while we separated for a year, then gave it another shot. A year after giving it the second try, we both came to the conclusion that we were not compatible. As a couple, we could not be happy.