Who's being unreasonable. Me or my friends? tl;dr - NO cliff notes

[AlfilRey]

Myself and two friends of mine go to the gym almost every day. This has been going on for about 3 weeks. Before then, I was the only one who went regularly. I am the only one who drives, so I’m often finding myself giving them lifts, even picking them up at their house occasionally. This has never really been an issue, as I don’t particularly mind driving, and I don’t mind going to some extra effort to do them a favour.

However, since we’ve started going to the gym, what happened was that initially it was only going to be once or twice a week. Again, I wouldn’t particularly mind driving. Now, however, we go practically every day of the week and this is the case for at least the next month and a half (until college restarts). It takes me 20 minutes extra to pick the two of them up (they live 5 mins away from each other, so that’s a good thing I guess) and 20 mins extra to drop them off. I save each of them about 40 mins into town, and 40 mins back so basically I waste 40 mins of my time just to save each of them 1hr, 20 mins. Of course, driving is enjoyable enough, whereas getting the bus is a total bore.

Today, however, I had plans in town before the 5pm squash game I had booked. These plans were more important than the game, and while I thought I would be finishing around 3.30pm, enough time to get home, eat, and do the usual routine of picking them up, I in fact ended up finishing at 4.20pm. At this point, I rang up Will and told him I had gotten delayed, and would be using the next half hour to get something to eat, and that I would see him by the gym at 5. Also, I wasn’t at home, but rather in the city centre, so it was even less convenient than usual.

His response shocked me. He said “You didn’t give me enough notice, I won’t be able to go unless you come to collect me at my house now”. Of course, I didn’t want to cancel the squash game as it’s pretty rude to book a court which is always in high demand only to cancel at such short notice that nobody else could make use of it. So I went to pick him up, and of course at that stage, pick up my other friend.

So I put the issue behind me, though I felt annoyed at having been almost blackmailed into going to pick them up. I knew it would be a bit of a hurry to have to get the bus, and I can understand that it would annoy him as the routine of me picking him up at his front doorstep is far more convenient, but I’m sure he could have made it, and if neither could make it in time with the bus, they surely could have splashed out $5 each for a cab on a once-off basis, just to save me from having to bend over backwards. Plus, they’re both winning poker players, so it’s not like they’re the typical “broke students” who simply can’t afford it. I guess the whole “time is money” argument applies here.

The gym closes at 7pm. Myself and Will played squash until 6.55pm, whereas my other friend had gone swimming. It had gotten so late that I couldn’t take a shower. Will of course couldn’t either, but it’s important to note that this isn’t really relevant, as it doesn’t bother him to stay in his sweat-drenched clothes for 30mins, or an hour, etc. He never showers in the gym, but is perfectly content to wait anything up to a few hours before getting home to do so. I on the other hand, hate the sweaty clothes-sticking-to-your-skin feeling. My other friend was in the shower at that time, and judging on past experience, I knew he would take another 15 mins or so before he’d be out of the pool.

So, at this point, I suggest to Will “look, I think I’m gonna go home now. Yourself and DJ can share the bus or get a cab or something. I’m so hungry I could kill, and I’m really sweaty. If I take ye, I won’t get back home until 7.45pm, whereas if I go now I’m back at home at 7.10pm”. He was OUTRAGED, and told me that his dinner would be ready in 15 minutes, and that I could “hardly expect me to get the bus”, with a look of disbelief on his face.

I didn’t want to come across as a complete [censored], so I told them I’d take them this one time but I argued the point with Will, trying to get him to see my point of view, so that if a similar situation were to arise in the future, then he would understand.

We disagreed, and it got quite heated. His friend backed him up, telling me that I was “out of line”. Of course, he would say that as he has selfish interests in that if I didn’t drop Will off, I wouldn’t be dropping him off (they live 3-4 mins drive away from each other).

I guess, what I’m wondering is, am I the [censored] here, for either the afternoon suggestion of not taking them to the gym, or the evening suggestion of me going straight home?

Or, are they just being incredibly ungrateful, and taking for granted the effort I’m going to (40 mins of my time each day just to save them 80 mins of theirs)? Was their tone, and the demand that I take them acceptable.

Am I being a fool for wasting 40 mins of my time to save two friends of mine 80 mins each? (will be doing this six days a week, for at least the next two months)

note: I realise this might come across as a petty argument, but it's not really this specific example that irritates me. It's just that I find the general dilemma I was in is one that you face on a fairly regular basis, so it would be interesting to know what the best approach to take is, and where the line stands between helping your friends out and making things more convenient for them vs your own convenience.

[NevadaKaz]

Friends are being unreasonable, and very douchey with it.

If you dont have the cojones to tell them to start making their own way and not rely on you all the time, you will have to go down the pussy route of pretending to have plans etc etc that make it impossible for you to be their free taxi.

[talentdeficit]

your friends are dicks, but in their defense, if you do this every day without question and have been for a few weeks now, it's not insane that they expect you to keep doing it. just let them know the rides are at your convenience, and make sure they know that unless they confirm with you at some point beforehand, not to expect it.

[Yobz]

Friends are dicks, and while they expect to get rides (hell, you haven't said no before) it's completely unreasonable for them to expect you to *always* go out of your way for them.

What they should have said was:
"No problem, we'll take the bus back."

[z28dreams]

Couple of things:

Friends are dicks -before- you went by forcing you to pick them up.

Once you took them there, it is completely reasonable for them to expect for you to bring them back. I think it would be a dick move to force them to take the bus back unless you warned them about this ahead of time.

Agreed with talentdeficit above - you need to make it clear that you'll occasionally pick them up as a favor, but it's not to be expected.

[sonneti]

Do you get any favours in return for picking them up? If you aren't being appreciated or if it isn't at least acknowledged then you shouldn't bother. Real friends will pay you back somehow.

[TS Clark]

This is ridiculous on your friends' part, but you are at fault, too, because you have clearly NOT defined boundaries. You need to tell your friend very clearly (though hopefully in a friendly way) that you are doing him a favor here and he needs to view it in this way. As I said, you can tell him that you are happy to be of service most of the time, but in those occasional times when you can't, they need to act like adults who can manage their own affairs.

One thing I will say is that having taken them to the gym, it isn't exactly kosher for you to bail on them in the evening and leave them there. But your friend's comments and tone in the afternoon were ridiculous. If someone I was doing a favor had said that to me, things would have escalated... immediately. Your friends need to be told politely, but directly, that you are not to be counted on as a personal taxi service.

Of course, this kind of confrontation could go badly and cost you a couple of "friends." But I'd rather have less friends and more self-respect. YMMV.

Good luck.

[AlfilRey]

Thanks for all the comments. Glad to set the issue straight. I would imagine we´ll put the whole incident behind us. They pretty much got the message anyway. What´s still nagging at me is the fact that, although they now know how I feel about the situation, they still share their point of view.

In other words, they´ll take the bus from now on if needs be, but not because they appreciate that it´s the right thing to do if circumstances similar to today´s arise again. Rather, they´ll take it because they know that if they don´t, the consequences will be worse than the inconvenience of getting the bus.

The problem is that these guys are actually close friends. What I guess I need to decide is whether or not their actions can reasonably fall within the actions of a "good friend". I´m not convinced that they´re compatible, but perhaps I have a way too idealistic view of what good friendships entail.

p.s. I really appreciated your reply TS Clark. Great advice, exactly the kind of suggestions I was looking for.

I also liked this line:

[ QUOTE ]
But your friend's comments and tone in the afternoon were ridiculous. If someone I was doing a favor had said that to me, things would have escalated... immediately.

[/ QUOTE ]

Dead on. I definitely feel like I should have just gone home without them after a few of my friends ridiculous comments. Would have got my point across a whole lot better than to try and reason with them as I chauffeur them home.

[bigscore]

your friends sound like bitchy females

[Homer]

It's not unreasonable of them to expect a ride home after getting a ride to the gym. However, they seem extremely ungrateful and I wouldn't give them rides in the future.