Pro-Freedom Rap

[AWoodside]

Hey guys, I'm more or less done with a rap song that was inspired by a very apt comment I read on this board (sorry can't remember who posted it, I've tried searching) a while ago basically talking about how walls can become cages if you aren't careful. It doesn't stay thematically linked to that concept the whole time, but because it was inspired by this board I figured the ACist/Voluntarists would at least appreciate checking out the lyrics, if not others. Constructive criticism of both prose and content greatly appreciated. There are a few poker references too for good measure.


"Gods at the Gate"

[censored] the BBC, [censored] bein' PC
[censored] everybody out there tryin' to censor me
I sport a portrait of Mohammad on my favorite tee
so they blame people like me for all the embassies
that are up in smoke, it's a [censored]' joke
freedom of expression's being [censored]' choked
Saddam's strung up by that very same rope
The worlds mind is closed and its backbone's broke

The walls you want people like me to provide
To protect you, protect your thin-ass hide
Are the walls that these people are hidin' behind
You sanction the game but not the line that they take
You sit at the table then bitch about the rake
You see these extremists and you say you condemn them
But about those cartoons, oh, 'please don't print them'
'Cause it offends you, and your sensibilities
You don't give a shiit if you tread on my civil liberties
To get what you want, suppress what you don't
Hands calloused and raw tightenin' that same fukin' rope

The only difference, between a wall and a cage is the relationship you got with the guard at the gate
The only difference, between a wall and a cage is the relationship you got with the guards at the gate

I'm gettin' fukin' irate, fukin' chompin' this bait
You think oppressin' it's expression will get rid of the hate?
You think this modest misdirection will accomplish your aims?
You let your children play with tigers 'cause they tell you they're tame
You let your children learn from liars 'cause it's keepin' you sane

The only difference, between a wall and a cage is the relationship you got with the guards at the gate
The only difference, between a wall and a cage is the relationship you got with the gods at the gate

'What the [censored],' Zarathustra spake, nobody knows
That everybody wants their leaders wearin' emperors clothes
Everybody's taught by teachers that pretend they don't know
That the world rocks out to meter, no-one dances to prose, so...
The rhetorititians, the psuedo-logic magicians
Handsome men with good diction that prey on base intuition
Can keep on wheelin' and dealin' wieldin' the power we give them
Artificial constructs with potent venom
Protectionism is the new patriotism

The only difference... [fade out w/ hook]

[ShakeZula06]

Certainly better then anything I can pen [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

I enjoy conscious hip hop (among other types) so I can dig this, sounds like something Immortal Technique would rap. Kind of hard to tell how good it is without actually hearing it, but the lyricism is pretty good and stays on point a lot. I would however like to see more multisyllable rhmying. For instance I really like this line:
[ QUOTE ]
The rhetorititians, the psuedo-logic magicians
Handsome men with good diction that prey on base intuition


[/ QUOTE ]
Maybe it's just because I've been listening to AZ's doe or die album a lot but I think this is the best line in the song. I think that's what separates the best lyricists from the rest, the ability to rhyme within lines and consistantly have a mutlisyllable rhyme scheme.

The hook is nice and on point.

[ua1176]

i think you need to be a little less obvious in your verses, content-wise.

some of the best advice i got from one of my music mentors was that the verse should tell a story while the chorus makes your point. and that you gotta be careful not to just make your point over and over and over.

like....lets use Rage Against the Machine here as an example. i know they're not "True AC" or anything close but they're definitely one of the closer brushes between mainstream music and radical politics.

their s/t debut record is kinda cool but lyrically it just falls a little short. "[censored] you i won't do what you tell me" (repeat 8 times). the verses to that song are just one phrase repeated over and over, too. the record as a whole sounds like its trying too hard to be angry and cool. more or less the same deal w/ Battle of LA.

Evil Empire, on the other hand, just [censored] lays it down. that record, despite not being completely in the rap genre is so far and away the best political hip-hop creation that it's not even funny. you look in the rhymes on that record and they're just nuts. he's rhyming "Jackie Onassis" with "Dark Sunglasses." he's rhyming names of Mexican Indian tribes, Central American cities, Ollie North, Fred Hampton. he rhymes "similac" with "cadillac."

there's constant imagery throughout that entire record that supports his message and keeps your mind focused on politics and history without just reiterating the same basic point over and over.

that IMO is what makes it successful. to sum things up:

i am a professional musician/engineer/producer.
i work mostly with rock and pop music.
i am not a huge hip-hop fan (though i do like some artists). nor am i a huge fan of music as a political vehicle.

but Evil Empire is probably my favorite record by anyone. ever. and the above reasoning is probably why. and also the fact that those guys groove like [censored]. but you get my point.

i know that's long-winded and at least somewhat off-topic, but hopefully you find it useful.

jon

edit: you do have some cool stuff in there, though. i like the zarathustra line, and the "pseudo-logic magicians," and a few other phrases too. i dont want to come off as overly harsh.