Serious Advice Needed (Non-Poker)

[Baxter]

My brother is a senior in high school. He dated a girl (lets say her name is Amanda) for two years (she is now a sophomore). She fell hard for him (her first boyfriend), but he left her for a senior.
My dad found a note that Amanda wrote to my brother a little while ago. In the note she expressed some mild depression, but also states that she cuts herself and enjoys it. She still wants to get back together with my brother even though she has a new boyfriend. She says that she can't talk to her parents (who are divorced, she hates her step-mother) about this, they won't understand.
My concern is in how to deal with this. My family knows, but hers doesn't (we don't think). Is this just high school girls being high school girls? Is this more serious? Should we contact her parents at the risk of ruining her friendship with my brother, and my brothers confidence in my family. Should we contact someone at the school without disclosing our identities?
I haven't yet read the note(s), so I can't speak of the general tone. I will update as I find out more, but some input is greatly needed here. Thanks.

[Blackdirt12]

She needs therapy. Cutting doesn't mean she is suicidal, but it is a sign of emotional disturbance which probaly has something to do with her relationship with her parents(Although it could very likely be a sign of physical or sexual abuse in her past by her parents or someone else). It could be something as simple as the trauma of her parent's divorce, or it could be something truly sinister like abuse from one(or both) of her parents. Someone that she trusts needs to talk to her about it. I wouldn't worry about "Ruining her friendship" with your brother. She's not cutting herself because of him(And if she is the last thing she needs is the delusion that they still have a relationship), and besides, they broke up, they're not friends anymore.

[MTUCache]

Just screwed up kids being screwed up kids... the closer you get to this kind of crap, the more you get involved, the further down it drags you.

By calling her out on this, and telling her parents, you're taking a level of responsibility, and more importantly giving her the attention that she's starving for. Avoid this, at all costs.

High school relationships are basically a joke. We all know this. Sophomore girls don't know what they want out of life, who they want, or even what a relationship is supposed to be like. All she sees is that she was happy when she was with your brother, and she's less happy now, so she thinks she needs him back. She doesn't see any of the hundreds of factors that go into a real relationship.

Steer your brother away from this girl. At this point (under 25), basically all girls are complete headcases, and guys aren't much better. Keep everything non-serious, and everyone will be a lot happier in the end.

If you get involved here, you'll be surprised how quickly situations like this explode into something WAY too big. Suddenly there's going to be therapists and social workers involved, lawyers, etc, etc. Bad juju. She's just a dumb kid who doesn't know any better. She'll grow out of it, hopefully realizing what an idiot she is. The more you try to force the issue of "helping" her, the more you'll be reinforcing this attention-whoring behavior, and making a mountain out of a mole-hill.

Meanwhile, 100% of your brother's attention should be focused on school... not some whacko ex-girlfriend that he shouldn't care about anymore.

If he takes any lesson out of this, it should be that there is a HUGE difference between "women" and "girls". "Girls" can be fun, but they're mostly just a headache, never worth keeping around. "Women" can actually add something to your life, and are often worth keeping around.

[Blackdirt12]

Dr. Phil Ladies and Gentlemen! [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img]

[noggindoc]

The cutting is bad news, find a way to let someone know. Damaging the relationship is actually a small price to pay in the long run.

[imitation]

[censored] emo kids, i wish they would actually cut their wrists and die

[Banks2334]

MTU is an idiot. Cutting your wrists is not kids just being stupid and something they will outgrow. It is a sign of serious problems.The girl needs help.

[ceskylev]

Cutting is serious, and in this case it probably goes beyond the relationship with your brother. You must try to help this young woman, however, you're not going to be able to do it on your own.

If you or your parents know a doctor/therapist/counselor whom you trust, I suggest asking that person to suggest what the next step shoule be. If her parents are trustworthy, you could go to them. If this girl is close with your family, your parents could try talking to her first. Still, these things are delicate. Forcing a young person to confront an issue like this is never easy, and I would urge you to get guidance from someone with experience.

Your brother's feelings in this are mostly irrelevant. If he got the note and decided to ignore the problem, then he (no disrespect intended) isn't mature or responsible enough to have a say in what happens. Whatever gripe he has about your father reading his private letters, he'll get over it.

Cutting (as I'm sure you know) is about deep emotional pain and despair. People who cut themselves are often embarrassed by their feelings and by the fact that they cut themselves. If you try to help this girl, she may get angry or defensive or accuse you of ruining her life. This doesn't mean that you did something wrong. In fact, it is VERY common for depressed people to lash out at friends who try to help. Be prepared for that, and don't take it personally.

Lastly, remember that it isn't your job to "cure" her. Your role is to get her to someone who can help.

Good luck.

[MTUCache]

[ QUOTE ]
MTU is an idiot. Cutting your wrists is not kids just being stupid and something they will outgrow. It is a sign of serious problems.The girl needs help.

[/ QUOTE ]

Okay... that's a little harsh, but we'll go with it. [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

I'm not saying that it absolutely 100% positively isn't a serious problem.

I am saying that this guy is working on third hand heresay information from a note... not exactly the most reliable evidence here.

Does this cutting need to be addressed, yeah probably. Is this guy the one to do it? Heck no. He doesn't even know this chick. He has no idea if she actually did write that, if she just wrote it to get attention, or if she even has the problem whatsoever. All he knows is what somebody told him they happened to find in a note which may or may not have been written by a highschool girl, who may or may not have been lying to get attention.

What do you want him to do? Call the cops? Make some kind of anonymous tip based on third-hand information? Seems a little extreme. Call her parents and make them do something? Seems like there's already some familial problems going on there, and that solution may do as much (or more) damage than not saying anything.

"Cutting" is an epidemic right now, no question about it. But it's not always the dramatic "cry for help" tragedy that people make it out to be. In today's culture, more often than not, it's an idiotic over-reaction to them being depressed because only 80% of their wardrobe comes from A&F or Hollister. It's an easy way to draw attention to their horribly under-appreciated, middle-class, oh-so-stressful lives. Does that mean that EVERY kid who cuts themselves is going to commit suicide? No. Just like it doesn't mean that some of them won't commit suicide. We've got no idea how severe this girls' problems are, or if she has any in the first place.

I'm not a therapist, I'm not a child psychologist, I'm not qualified to make these kinds of assessments as to who "needs help" and who doesn't. Neither is anyone else replying to this topic, and neither is the original poster. It's not exactly like he's talking this chick down off a ledge or something... he's considering sticking his nose into a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with him.

She's obviously an immature kid who needs positive influences and experiences in her life... maybe a suicidal one at that. Do you go around "saving" everyone of these kids you happen to bump into? No... you steer clear of them, and go about living your normal, well-adjusted life, hoping not to get dragged into whatever immature drama they happen to be stirring up this week. You can't "save" everybody, especially when you don't even know which ones need to be "saved".

I'm not saying this guy is going to feel some extreme guilt if this chick does commit suicide.... heck, anybody would. But honestly, how many more-qualified, better-informed people are already in this girls life who SHOULD be making these choices, before the OP does?

If my posts make me an idiot, so be it... it's my point of view. Whether you consider it educated or well-thoughtout, I guess that's up to you. But, in any case, I'd like to think that my response(s) are a tad less idiotic than you'd find in most forums, which would range anywhere from encouraging her to do it to suggestions as to how to seduce her.

[Baxter]

Ok, a couple of points. First, she does fall into the middle class, oh-my-life-is-so-hard, fairy-tale life. Her dad is a very successful football coach whom everybody likes. She's not good at sports, but is fairly smart.
Second, I've never even talked to this girl. I'm around 9 years older than her. My parents know her and her parents well. One thing I could do is ask my brother more about the whole thing, but I don't see myself confronting the girl or calling her parents.
Third, how serious is cutting yourself? Is there a difference because she enjoys it instead of a feeling that she has to do it (to punish herself, etc)? Is this a line she's walking, one side is attention, the other side is suicide? Is this her way of practicing for suicide?
Fourth, if my family decides that something needs to be done, who do we contact? We are in very rural country. Should we talk with her parents/with her/with the school/with a professional? I'm sure it's pretty difficult to tell a parent that their kid needs psychological help, and I'd bet many times they ignore it.