Watching Our Parents Get Old

[private joker]

This is a pretty depressing topic for me, as I -- probably more than most people -- have an exaggerated fear of aging. And it's not that it's like emotionally jarring or anything, it's just more sort of a quiet, tepid but consistent sadness about our ultimate mortality.

There's probably a whole other thread to be done on turning into our parents (noticing their quirks and habits and that we're copying them without realizing it), but with this one I'm talking about watching them as they age and realizing they're losing their vitality bit by bit.

Most of us in here are in our 20s and 30s, which means our parents probably range from 50-70. Mine are 64 and 62, and while that's not ancient, it's definitely into senior citizen territory, and the consequences of that are starting to get to me.

Here's an example. My parents know I'm into movies as my number one hobby/interest. So they like to get involved in my passion, which is obviously cool (note: I have great parents; this isn't a complaint about them as people, it's just a recognition of aging -- in fact, it's probably because they're so cool that I'm more affected by their getting older). So when I was home for winter break this past year, I told my dad I was really excited for the new Tarantino movie, Grindhouse.

He liked Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill, and we would discuss those movies over the phone, so I thought I could get him into Grindhouse. I found the first awesome trailer that was out, and we watched it together on the computer. He got pretty excited and thanked me for whetting his appetite for the new Tarantino movie. (He also likes Rodriguez, so that didn't hurt).

Cut to three months later, my dad is on the phone with me last night and he says, "Have you heard of this movie called Grindhouse? I just read about and it sounds really interesting. Tarantino did it."

I patiently reminded him of how we watched the trailer together and already talked about it, and he was like "Oh yeah... *that's* why it sounded familiar to me."

I dunno, things like this are happening more and more often. He's forgetting things all the time -- in fact sometimes he'll TiVo a movie because he thinks it looks good, and then he'll get some food and a beer ready, sit down in the living room, turn it on, and realize 5 minutes in that he already saw it in the theaters 6 months earlier.

I tell him things about my job and he forgets them fairly quickly. My mom is often the same way -- though with her aging, it's not that she's forgetful as much as she is sometimes absent-minded and loses focus during a conversation. She's also getting more uptight as the older she gets the more she focuses on insignificant details instead of the big picture.

I mean, I think my parents are pretty "with it" and "cool" for people in their 60s. But what I'm talking about is how they are now relative to how they were 5, 10, and 15 years ago. We all age and I don't blame them for it. It's just part of a fact of life we all have to deal with. Both my parents are retired now and just bought and moved into the house they will probably die in. I'm not looking forward to their inevitable decline, and it's worse that I can feel it coming bit by bit -- rather than it being some sort of instant quick blow.

My maternal grandfather died of Alzheimer's when I was 12, so it's weird that it's my dad with all these recent memory problems. By my paternal grandfather lived to the ripe old age of 91. That's old.

So how do you guys cope with seeing your parents aging? Is it more about the realization that these people who raised you will not always be there? Or is it more about the general reminder that all human beings get old and die? Maybe a little of both...

[guids]

Im going through this with my grandparents (mainly grandpa) right now, about 3 years ago, he was just like he always was, like I remember him when I was a kid, now he is going downhill health, hearing, and mentally, it sucks really bad. My parents on the other hand are only 49 or 50, and Im just starting to hang out with them in social settings, and not thinking of them as parents anymore which is pretty cool.

[Dids]

Guids kind hit on it for me. I'm seeing my grandparents decline fast right now, and that doesn't really hurt me as much as knowing that I'm going to have to see my folks go through that as well.

So far, I cope with this by not thinking about it.

[guids]

With my gramps, I can deal with it fairly easily, he has lived a long full life, and he is old, and happy, so it isnt as hard to deal with honestly, Im really havent even considered my parents in a situation like that, and wont for another 30 or 40 years hopefully, but Im just going to have to hope that it is the same way with them.

[private joker]

[ QUOTE ]
I'm seeing my grandparents decline fast right now, and that doesn't really hurt me as much as knowing that I'm going to have to see my folks go through that as well.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah, all 4 of my grandparents are dead, and I didn't have to see any of them decline much because they all lived really far away from me. But I'm much closer with my parents and I'm seeing it from the very beginning.

[Spanaway Vin]

[ QUOTE ]
So how do you guys cope with seeing your parents aging? Is it more about the realization that these people who raised you will not always be there? Or is it more about the general reminder that all human beings get old and die? Maybe a little of both...

[/ QUOTE ]

I have sort of a different perspective on the issue than some others might, because my mother died of cancer at the age of 49 and I never got to see her decline in the way that you describe. Thinking about the years that she was denied makes me sort of think that watching her get old wouldn't have been so bad, because at least she would have had the opportunity to live out a full life.

[JaBlue]

This stuff is heartbreaking for me. I know an 85 year old ragtime pianist that was diagnosed with Alzheimers ~3 yrs ago. Before that she could do anything. Now she can't even cook. She can remember things that happened to her as a child but not what she did thirty minutes ago.

[Shenlong]

My dad doesn't seem to be having any problems with his memory so far, in fact he's probably more on top of his game now then I remember him being in the past couple of years. Could be because he just started running his own deli, so that's forcing him to stay sharp, but I really don't know. However this topic used to bother me a lot when I was still in high school, and a bit younger. My father's always had a few health problems, (nothing serious, just the occasional aches & pains, coughing, sleepless nights) but for some reason I used to worry about one day waking up for school, and finding him dead in his room.

My mom's falling into the habit of repeating stories, and asking the same questions a few times in a conversation. It makes me a little sad, because she hates it when my grandma (her mother) does that herself. I pointed it out the first time it happened, but I don't anymore because I don't mind repeating myself at all, and I figure there's no point in throwing it back in her face every time she does it.

As far as coping with it goes, I just try to remind myself that they've both lived fairly full lives, free of any big regrets, and that they've got 3 kids who love them and are willing to do anything for them as soon as their health starts deteriorating. I can't see them being sad about their state at the moment, so I see no reason for me to feel that way. It's still no fun realizing that some of the people who are important to you might not be there much longer, but it helped me realize that whenever I'm at home, I should use that time to maybe get to know my parents better, or do things with them I normally wouldn't. Even if you won't have all that much fun doing it, your parents will usually have a great time, and that realization makes it so much more fun all-around.

Edit: While doing shrooms with my brother, this very topic came up, and we both felt like complete [censored]-heads because we realized that we were taking our parents for granted, and didn't appreciate the time we had with them. (disclaimer: talks like this while on drugs have the chance to become very emotional, not always a good idea if you're with a big group or people you don't know very well) Since then i've been doing lots of small things for them, flowers for mom, sitting down and just enjoying a beer/talk with my dad instead of the usual "hey/what's up/talk to you later" routine. Makes me feel a lot better about myself too, so it's win-win!

[MaxPower]

You know, my parents are both in their 70s and they are not in the greatest shape ever. I tend to just be thankful that I have good parents and that they are still around.

Not everybody thinks like me though.

[XXXNoahXXX]

What makes my dealing with this so unique is that I am 22, my mother is 47 and my father is 67.

So my mother is still 100% mentally and physically. She's actually healthier since she quit smoking and started working out, and her mental clarity is obviously fine at 47.

My father, in addition to be 20 years older, has smoked cigarettes for 50+ years and weed for 40+ years. He also works 70+ hours per week and his diet consists mainly of coffee. This has be worried in terms of his health, although besides low lung capacity he's doing fine so far.

As far as "getting old" mentally, he has always been a little spacey which I attribute to his personality. I tell him I'm reading Joyce/Shakespeare/Virgil/Kafka/etc/ and he can to this day quote entire paragraphs despite having not read the book in 25 years. He still acts a lot and can memorize hour long monologues, and he writes a lot still, most of which is better than I could ever hope to write.

If you tell him to meet you somewhere though, there is a 50/50 chance he'll forget. Sometimes he isn't as sharp as he used to be. Constantly forgetting that he already told me something, etc.

What used to really bother me, however, was that whenever I'd ask him to quit smoking he'd say "i've lived a full life, I'm not afraid of death" and things like that. Whats even worse is that knowing the tendencies of my family members, I will be called upon to the rock. This scares me because the idea of him not being here is absolutely devastating. Now I'm not someone that fears death, my own or that of others. It's just that I am going to miss him so [censored] much.

I want to live my own life and I think about moving to the West Coast, but another part of me wants to spend as much time with him as I can.

Another issue that comes up, is that I spend a lot more time with my father than my mother, partly because of this. He comes to visit me like once a week, and I only see my mother like once month or less. I feel like my time with him is limited, and it makes me want to hang out with him more, but I always wonder if my mother understands or feels left out.

I just want to win the [censored] lottery, so I can drop out of school and spend time with my family.


ugh thanks for making me depressed now.v