Help on this Personal Statement Greatly Appreciated

[mj555]

This is for a scholarship where the sole criteria are ACT score and GPA. The tiebreaker is a 200-word statement responding to this question:

“If you were to tie with another nominee, why should you be chosen over the other candidate?”

For as long as I can remember, I have embraced the value of a firm challenge. Whether it has been choosing a 100-piece puzzle over a 35-piece one or taking AP Calculus instead of regular Calculus, I have constantly tried to challenge myself in order to improve my abilities and achieve my full potential. Instead of solely focusing on accumulating “book smarts” during my high school career, I have grown tremendously over the past four years through my work experience and extracurricular activities as well. By maintaining a job during my rather hectic senior year, I have learned how to prioritize and plan ahead. Also, through extracurricular activities such as Math League and tennis, I have grown to understand the importance of an open mind and an upbeat attitude. I used to become frustrated quite quickly after small failures, but I am now able to remain positive and learn more from my mistakes. Throughout my four years of high school, I have put forth my best effort in everything that I have done. I remained focused on school the entire time, but by remaining active throughout my community, I was able to grow in many other areas as well.

The one small thing I could see is, do you think there's a better word than "firm" in the first sentence. Any other observations? thanks in advance

[mj12]

your name is similar to mine

[mj555]

lol, any other observations.

[Dave D]

Honestly, this is very "vanilla", I'd scrap the whole thing. All you're doing is restating the obvious, in a pretty vague way. I would pick something that influenced you somehow and write about why it made you the person you are. I guess they won't know about all those things per se, but if they see any sort of resume on you they already know those things. Or honestly they can probably figure out you're a good student and whatnot.

Write about why you had a job, if you had a particularly interesting experiance. I know 200 words isnt a lot, but use it.

[Gary Stevenson]

this borders on "tl;dr"...is that still used...will i get a *? sorry to clutter your thread, i'm bored/didn't read past the first sentence

[leehrat]

[ QUOTE ]
Honestly, this is very "vanilla", I'd scrap the whole thing. All you're doing is restating the obvious, in a pretty vague way. I would pick something that influenced you somehow and write about why it made you the person you are. I guess they won't know about all those things per se, but if they see any sort of resume on you they already know those things. Or honestly they can probably figure out you're a good student and whatnot.

Write about why you had a job, if you had a particularly interesting experiance. I know 200 words isnt a lot, but use it.

[/ QUOTE ]

be daring, go balls out. you have to stand out somewhat to win these things. grab their attention, even if it means pushing the envelope a little. you sound very nerdy.

[Dave D]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Honestly, this is very "vanilla", I'd scrap the whole thing. All you're doing is restating the obvious, in a pretty vague way. I would pick something that influenced you somehow and write about why it made you the person you are. I guess they won't know about all those things per se, but if they see any sort of resume on you they already know those things. Or honestly they can probably figure out you're a good student and whatnot.

Write about why you had a job, if you had a particularly interesting experiance. I know 200 words isnt a lot, but use it.

[/ QUOTE ]

be daring, go balls out. you have to stand out somewhat to win these things. grab their attention, even if it means pushing the envelope a little. you sound very nerdy.

[/ QUOTE ]

Agreed. You gotta push that draw.

[jesusarenque]

Tell them there is nothing you can say in a mere 200 word essay to break a tie between you and another candidate, so you are just going to tell them a story/joke that you like.

[mj12]

[ QUOTE ]
lol, any other observations.

[/ QUOTE ]
none- o ya 5 is my favourite # after 12

[bigdog23]

Odds of a tie gotta be pretty damn low.