micro story I just wrote, critique me to tears.

[starvs]

I'm not much of a writer at all, but for various reason I felt like writing tonight. I wasn't sure what I was doing or where I was going when I started this, besides one very rudimentary idea. This is maybe the fifth thing I've ever written creatively, and the first thing I was not compelled to (ie for school).

Be exceedingly harsh please, to the point I will never want to right again, not even to sign a paycheck.

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The bus didn’t look like much, but it was. It was a relic, ferrying people of all demographics back and forth. Boston to New York City, back and forth. Who knows how many times a day. If you looked at the condition of the bus you would guess no less than one hundred. But logic says that estimation is unlikely. The bus has a stigma attached to it. “It’s unsafe” they’ll tell you. “You’re gonna flip over” I’ve heard. “Hopefully you like the smell of Chinese food”. Not only untrue, but blatantly racist.

Sam goes up to the Chinese woman standing behind a red counter poking chopsticks into an unidentified box, probably containing some kind of chicken or beef. But who knows, could be the remains of her best friends aborted fetus. People are weird. She looks like she could be anywhere from pre menstruation to post metapause. I’m not good with guessing ages, especially non white women. Is that racist too? Who gives a [censored]. “Two tickets please to Boston”. No verbal response, counter lady only sticks out her hand. Sam looks at her, wanting more information. He knows its thirty dollars, but people make mistakes. Maybe the fetus will mess with her brain and she’ll decide to only charge him twenty five. No reason to commit to a price when there is even the remotest chance it could be lowered is what Sam always says. Sam is Jewish. That’s not relevant, but maybe you wanted to know.

After an awkward stare down where counter lady touches the chop sticks to her lips a few times she puts the sticks down and extends her hand again. “Tirty bux”. Maybe it’s only chicken after all. Or maybe she has a high tolerance for fetus. Maybe the fetus is out of season. Either way, thirty bucks, or the broken English equivalent, is what Sam owes her. He flips through his wallet seeing a four twenties, seven tens, a sketch he made of his favorite Dali painting in seventh grade, six fives and fifteen ones. He is not a good artist at all so he can’t pay with the Dali sketch. That is worth about as much as he would want to pay for a fetus meal. Of course it would be easiest to pay with a ten and a twenty, but the singles his wallet fat. It’s so annoying when you just want to close your wallet with the flick of a wrist but can’t because its too full. [censored] singles. He gave her fifteen singles and three fives. She knew he had bigger bills, and she was mad. Not mad enough to do anything, merely mad enough to not be happy. Despite being mad, She un-begrudgingly handed him the two tickets.

Quinton who had been standing behind Sam the whole time, rocking slightly back and forth and fidgeting his fingers as usual, smiled at Sam when he turned around. “Okay this is your ticket Quinton, you need to keep this safe and give it to the lady over there”, Sam said pointing to someone who could have been a clone of counter lady. Perhaps the would-have-been mother of counter ladies lunch? Sam walked over to counter lady redux, closely followed by Quinton who walked just as he stood, with a slight rock back and forth. Sam handed her the ticket, and looked back at Quinton, praying it would go without incident. “Please don’t twist my nose into my skull”, Quinton says while handing over his ticket. Sam just looks down, “Its you who counter lady should have been eating seventeen years ago Quinton”, he mutters under his breath. Sam motions for Quinton to get on the bus ahead of him. Sam wants to make sure he doesn’t try sit on someone’s lap, or lick someone’s ear as they walk the aisles scouring for a seat. The bus didn’t look like much, but it was.

PS. I don't like the last line at all, but I think thats pretty trivial.

PPS. I just noticed the writing contest going on, but I think it would be insulting to submit this compared to the other works.

[rothko]

how many words is that? enter the contest, if your story meets the requirement.

edit: okay, i've read it. disregard above comment.

[diebitter]

Yes enter it.

I'll lock this thread once you do, and discussion can be in the contest discussion.

[rothko]

[ QUOTE ]
Yes enter it.

I'll lock this thread once you do, and discussion can be in the contest discussion.

[/ QUOTE ]

it's too short, carter...among other things

[starvs]

Well I submitted it and deleted it, which I think is for the best. Sounds like you hated it rothko. The least you could do it rip into me. please.

[rothko]

starvs, first of all, proofread it. otherwise, there is just too much to rip.

[starvs]

[ QUOTE ]
starvs, first of all, proofread it. otherwise, there is just too much to rip.

[/ QUOTE ]

Maybe I'm just utterly helpless, but I'm not seeing anything incredibly glaring. Although I did forget a word in one spot.

I thought people liked to try to make other people cry over the internet. If I suck I deserve to at least know to what degree.

[rothko]

well, since you were too useless to check it over the first time and the edit button is about to disappear i'll just go ahead and mention the obvious stuff:

the punctuation--is a mess; proper syntax are grammar are even almost unexistent; words are and misused; there's simply no point to; it's has a complete lack of style and flowing; also, chewbacca, it's blatantly racist.

english is clearly not your first language, as you have no grasp of it.

[youtalkfunny]

[ QUOTE ]
Sam goes up to the Chinese woman standing behind a red counter poking chopsticks into an unidentified box, probably containing some kind of chicken or beef. But who knows, could be the remains of her best friends aborted fetus.

[/ QUOTE ]

I stopped reading at that point.

[EYEWHITES]

im just wondering if you have ever read anything besides a poker forum....i honestly could not make it thru the first paragraph, you sentences sucked. Work on writting good sentences, read some imigist(sp?) poetry, ezra pound and such i think it could fit a style your trying to write to