Self Esteem and Insecurities

[TxSteve]

Howdy,

This post may not be 'lounge worth' so mods, please feel free to delete if you'd like.

Last week I read through the 'who's pregnant' thread and so I thought this could be an ok topic for this board.

My question in a nut shell:

Part 1) Where do insecurities come from?

Part 2) Now that I've got a child, what can I be doing to give her the best chance to grow into a confident, secure, social adult?

*about me if it matters*
I'm a 36 years old - married and an 18 month old daughter. Had a normal 'leave it to beaver' childhood for the most part. I've been troubled most of my life with insecurities and confidence issues.

Socially I am totally uncomfortable. I think the main problem is that I kind of assume that I'm going to bore people with most anything I have to say. I'm almost scared when I'm asked a question and typically give the shortest possible answer to make the conversation end reasonably.

Typically I need to be around someone quite a bit before I can feel comfortable and show some personality etc.

These insecurities have followed me through life bringin fear of rejection, fear of failure, etc.

I wouldn't say it has 'crippled' me by any means. My wife and I have a wonderful marriage. I spent a few years as a low grade profession athlete. I work in my families business and make a lot of money.

I just find that I resent and envy people who are socially comfortable. I am finding now that I wish I was able to be more socially adept so that I could make friends easier, be part of the neighborhood, etc.

I think for most of my life I kind of thought that being good socially was either a 'you have it' or 'you don't' type thing.

Anyway, sorry for the babble. Any thoughts?

[diebitter]

This is clearly lounge worthy.

[Colt McCoy]

As a father I think you have a huge impact on a girl's self esteem. A lot of the way kids deal with people in life stems from their relationship with their parents when they were young. If they grow up uncomfortable or uncertain about that relationship, it's difficult for them to be secure about other relationships. We've all known girls with "Daddy issues" where they don't feel loved by their father and seek the wrong kind of affection elsewhere, and know it's the last thing we want our daughters to have.

Someone gave me some advice when my daughter was born: "A father should tell his daughter she's beautiful every single day." I'm not a fan of heaping undeserved praise on kids, but I think this goes a long way. Also, physical affection is important, especially for very young kids. Some parents aren't touchy feely with their kids, but I think lots of hugging and snuggling helps them feel comfortable with you and your relationship.

[TxSteve]

I agree with you to a degree, that stuff helps.

But I don't agree that I have self esteem and confidence issues because my parents didn't hug me enough.

It seems there's just got to be more to it than that.

But, if we agree that self esteem and self confidence are learned and learned at an early age...at what age range do you think it is learned?

[Coffee]

I'm not exactly socially awkward, but my true personality, the one that I self-identify with, usually comes out only when I am with friends, or when I am onstage. I don't make a very good first impression, to the point that when people who don't know me very well then see me perform, they say that I'm a completely different person. But, up until I was 18, there was no one, outside of my two best friends, who knew the real me, if you will. I imagine that you are an intelligent guy, and the fact that a)you played a sport professionally, and b)you work in a family business certify that you have SOMETHING interesting at all times. Since you are an athlete, I can safely give you this advice for social situations: Don't think...you can only hurt the ballclub. If it turns out that you're boring, so what? You're already happily married, and you already have people that love you, so who the hell do you need to impress?

As for your daughter, for the love of God, teach her that she is a valuable person, no matter what anyone says. Go to your utmost lengths of parenting to instill that message in her head. The level of insecure women my age and younger is a total epidemic. Fight this with your daughter as hard as you possibly can.

[katyseagull]

I agree with what Colt and Coffee said.

As a girl who had years of self-esteem issues I want to second what they said about the importance of a father in a girl's life. This may be one of the most important factors in the development of a confident woman. I'm not saying that if a girl's father dies when she's young that she will be ruined. But what I'm saying is that if a dad neglects or ignores his daughter through childhood it has very negative consequences.

I cannot stop thinking about how my dad left me and my sisters. Seriously, what could he have been thinking? Who walks out on little girls?


I think a lot of the whole self esteem/confidence issue is influenced by your childhood environment but clearly your inherent personality plays a large role. I'm naturally quiet and always felt dumber than most other people I was around. Actually, your description of yourself is a lot like I was when I was younger. I couldn't even speak in a crowd of 3. It was terrible.


[ QUOTE ]
Typically I need to be around someone quite a bit before I can feel comfortable and show some personality etc.

These insecurities have followed me through life bringin fear of rejection, fear of failure, etc.


[/ QUOTE ]

I totally can relate to this.



Two things helped me out a lot - moving far away from my mom (who always dismissed me as "silly" and used to tell me that I'd be pretty if I'd just lose 5 more lbs) and taking that Myers-Briggs personality test. The test revealed that I'm just a real introvert and I like to live in my fantasies. I always knew it but it was nice to hear that there wasn't anything wrong with it. After I read about the personality test I kind of became happier, like I didn't need to try to change to be "normal."

I think sometimes we are hard on ourselves for not being socially adept or outgoing. But some of us just have a personality that's a lot more introspective.

[Colt McCoy]

[ QUOTE ]
I agree with you to a degree, that stuff helps.

But I don't agree that I have self esteem and confidence issues because my parents didn't hug me enough.

It seems there's just got to be more to it than that.

But, if we agree that self esteem and self confidence are learned and learned at an early age...at what age range do you think it is learned?

[/ QUOTE ]

I don't think it's learned at a certain age. I think it's developed throughout childhood beginning from birth. This is why you're not supposed to let babies <6 mos. old lie in their cribs and cry. At that age their security is entirely dependent on you, and if they sense you aren't there to provide it, it can impact their confidence later in life (supposedly. it's just an example).

I wasn't making any claims about why you may or may not be secure. I was just making a statement about things that are important and can have an impact, and things you can do to help with that.

[george w]

in my (limited) experience this behavior you're talking about can be passed on from father to son. my sister seems to not have inherited it though.

[TxSteve]

"I wasn't making any claims about why you may or may not be secure. I was just making a statement about things that are important and can have an impact, and things you can do to help with that."

Sorry, wasn't trying to come across as harsh. I guess part of me wants to think that this complicated issue I deal with in my life must have an extremely complicated cause.

Based on my 18 month experience with my daughter, and my experiences with other children (nieces/nephews) I do think i'm going to be good at being loving/supportive/encouraging and all of that...those things come naturally to me.

[TxSteve]

[ QUOTE ]
in my (limited) experience this behavior you're talking about can be passed on from father to son. my sister seems to not have inherited it though.

[/ QUOTE ]

I definitely see some aspects of my father in me...some i like; some i don't.

i wish i had more aspects of my mother's personality than i do.