Trip Report: Tulalip Casino (Seattle, sorta)

[ColdCaller]

So it’s Friday night and I’m sitting at home in a pair of ripped boxers with my balls hanging out, randomly talking to people on IRC in the 2+2 channel, and I think to myself: “Self, since you just moved here and have no goddamn friends, why not go drown your sorrows in gambling at Tulalip Casino?”

“Sounds good!”

So I go to the bank and withdraw $4,000 with plans to burn it all by shooting dice and probably cocaine, hop in my car and make the 30 minute drive up to Tulalip. I get there and the outside looks like a typical Indian reservation casino – better known as gaudy and stupid.

I walk in there sporting my hot PokerStars hoodie and a shirt that says “Chicks dig Unix,” because [censored] if I care what these degenerates think. I hate every single person in the goddamn casino and hope they all die in a tire fire, so what do I care what they think about me? I walk up to a crap table and watch someone seven out and drop a grand on the table asking for change only with a hundred in reds. The dealers and stickmen at Tulalip are second to none, I gotta say that.

NOTE TO ALL PEOPLE READING THIS POST: If you spend any amount of time in a brick and mortar casino and don’t know how to shoot craps, you are probably a nit and one of those guys who only takes +EV situations, sits in front of your computer all day playing online poker, and your name rhymes with farongoose. Larry David knows what I mean.

So there’s six or seven people at this crap table and I’m in the 2nd spot on the right rail, shooter is in the first. Shooter has about $500 in greens and reds behind and bets the pass line, so I lay $5 don’t pass because I’m a confrontational [censored]. The guy doesn’t say anything, then naturals on the come out and yells “YEAH BABY” directly in my ear. I let it go and lay $10 don’t pass and he mumbles something about “You’re gonna get it” or some [censored]. “[censored] you old [censored],” I think to myself, “and get a better snakeskin leather jacket, [censored].” He obviously rolls ace-deuce and I quietly pick up my $10 in chips. He lays $5 on the pass line and rolls a hard ten. I lay max odds ($200, 10x in Tulalip) and lay $10 DC. Shooter takes triple odds and places the six and eight for $12 each. Shooter rolls a six, I take max odds and lay $10 DC. Shooter rolls an eight and I take max odds and sit back. Shooter presses his six and eight to something ridiculous and flashes a big toothy grin at me, then immediately sevens out. Yeah, thanks IDIOT.

After the stickman pays me seven hundred billion dollars, I take the dice and take $10 pass, the first position lays $5 wrong. I natural. He takes $5 wrong. I nautral. He takes $5 wrong. I natural. Some broad with [censored] the size of a howitzer comes up to me and says “Can I bet on boxcars?” and I say “Sure, go ahead. In fact, give me $10 midnight and this wonderful lady wants $1 for good luck.” First position lays $5 wrong. I obviously roll midnight. Send it baby! The broad TIPS me $5 despite me winning $300 on that ridiculous bet and then leaves. I was going to say she grabbed my ass on the way out, but that would be a blatant lie.
I replay pass for $10 and roll a six. I take max odds, first position takes quadruple odds and lays $5 DC, I lay $10 come. I roll an eight. I take max odds, he takes double and lays $5 DC. I lay $10 come. I roll a nine. I hate nines. I take max odds anyway when I see him take double odds. I roll a hard six, hard eight, then my point. Ship it, Tulalip! At this time the pit boss comes over to me and ID checks me to attempt to cool me off. Pfft. Good luck – I’m Asian.

The first position guy is getting angry and takes it out on the cocktail waitress, so I calmly tell him “Yo, easy buddy,” and he says “[censored] you man, you have lost me a lot of money, I will take it out on whoever I want!” I shrug it off and know that I’ll just punish him on the crap table, where he lays $5 wrong again and I take $10 pass. I set a point and lay max odds, and he goes all-in on odds. I say “One time khole” because I told khole that I would do that at some point in the night. I immediately hit my point, he slams the rail with his fist and starts swearing loudly and the floor tells him to shut up – he storms off. At this point I am laughing uncontrollably because I know I just stole his rent payment and his wife and kids are probably going to have to go a few days without eating or something. That’s what he deserves for gambling AND for betting against an Asian kid.

So I set a point and seven out and decide it’s time for some blackjack, so I color up and head over to a green chip blackjack table and ask the dealer if drinks are free here. She says yes, the cocktail waitress comes by and I order a Corona. I play a few hands with an older gentleman who is going on quite a rush and playing three spots for a black each, and I’m breaking even. The waitress comes by and says “That will be $4.25, please!” YEAH OKAY, THANKS A LOT MISS DEALER WHO CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH. I give her a red and a blue and say “Thanks,” because it’s not her fault or anything. I play three hands of black, blackjack two of them and bust the other, and ask to be colored up. Screw you dealer, you aren’t getting a tip. I slam the Corona down and then leave it on the seat, hoping secretly that someone will sit on it and spill the small backwash leftover on their pants.

I head over to the poker room because I see some information on WPT satellites, and I’m pretty sure that there’s approximately four good poker players in all of Seattle and I gotta have a good shot to win a seat in a $150 freezeout that will draw 200+ idiots. I look at the board which is dry erase with magnetic lettering and think “Hoo boy, real high tech here.” Chief Wampum the fourth welcomes me into the poker room and I ask him what the biggest game is going, and he says the $20/40 with a full kill is running two tables and neither are must-move, so I head over there and check it out. I promised not to play poker, but any given idiot was giving more action than brazilio and TStoneMBD combined with even worse starting requirements than them, so I put my name on the list and sat down shortly thereafter.

I was in the three seat and the guy to my right was pretty friendly, so I wasn’t a dick to him. He said his name was Dave, and I told him my name was Bill (which it obviously isn’t). A few hands go by and I steal the blinds somehow from the cutoff, since the guys to my left seems “tight” by comparison. There’s an old guy in seat 7 who is a real dickzord, foaming at the mouth about hands and god knows what. In fact, I have a story about that which leads into the most important part of the story, so I might as well segue into it. Seats 1 and 2 have the blinds, someone in MP limps in an unkilled pot, old veteran dude in Seat 7 raises, folds to the blinds who both call, and someone in MP calls. Four see the flop of Kd Kh 8c and it goes check-check to MP who bets, old man raises, and Seat 1 three-bets. Seat 2 (Dave) drops out and so does MP, old guy rips the biggest fart and calls. Seat 1 bets the turn blind and the old man calls when we see the Ac come off. Seat 1 bets the river blind and the old man raises when it’s the 4s, Seat 1 thinks and three-bets, old man caps it, Seat 1 calls and shows AKo, old man yells “GOD NICE CATCH THIS IS UNREAL [censored]” and shows A4o.

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah okay.

I post the BB in a killed pot (what a bunch of [censored] if you ask me, being in the BB when the kill has the button is probably close to -.5 BB in EV) and get dealt AdQd. It folds to the button who checks his option, Dave calls, and I call. We see a flop of Kd Td 2d, Dave checks, I bet, button raises, Dave calls two cold, and I call. The turn is the Jd, Dave leads, I raise (yeah, that’s right, I raised with a royal with players left to act), button three-bets, Dave caps it, I call. The turn is the Ts, Dave bets, I raise, button three-bets, Dave caps, I call and ask them to show their hands. One of them has Th Tc and the other has Kc Ks. Yeah, that’s how much I rule. (By the way, I’ve never played above 10/20 in my entire life, and I have played probably less than 7,000 hands of limit hold ‘em ever).

The old man in seat 7 starts going nuts about bad beat jackpot this and that and how it is so gay they don’t have one, and I just have seriously had enough of old people bitching for one night, so I yell down at him and tell him to shut the [censored] up, verbatim. He says “What did you say, boy! I am the best player here!” So I say “Yeah, I am sure you are.” Then I stole his blind, racked up, and did the D-Generation X “Suck It” maneuver.



It looks like that, but I do it about 10 times better. These guys are a bunch of [censored].

D-Generation X rocks, but pro wrestling is for [censored].

I leave that shithole of a casino (actually it’s pretty nice) and come home to write this trip report, which took me forever because my girlfriend kept bothering me. Goddamn, let me write to a bunch of strangers on the Internet about my trip report, will ya?

The end.

[kipin]

Hot damn! Have my babies please.

[boondockst]

Since when doesnt Tulalip have a bad beat jackpot? I was just there tonight....

[ColdCaller]

[ QUOTE ]
Since when doesnt Tulalip have a bad beat jackpot? I was just there tonight....

[/ QUOTE ]

A few of the guys there reportedly played 100/200 (but you would know better than I if this game actually ever runs, I seriously doubt it) and they said that they don't do BBJ for the 20/40 and bigger games. I didn't even see a board for it, anyway.

What do you play?

[bugstud]

I hope you were kidding on your royal hand. Not raising there is criminal preflop.

edit - plus them limping is awfully odd.

[boondockst]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Since when doesnt Tulalip have a bad beat jackpot? I was just there tonight....

[/ QUOTE ]

A few of the guys there reportedly played 100/200 (but you would know better than I if this game actually ever runs, I seriously doubt it) and they said that they don't do BBJ for the 20/40 and bigger games. I didn't even see a board for it, anyway.

What do you play?

[/ QUOTE ]

Just played the ridiculously soft 3/5 NL game

[bernie]

All that this needs is something 'delicate' to happen and it's a joeybitch story.

b