Friend lost her baby, what can I do/say?

[johnbeans]

So this girl I work with who was 6 months pregnant just lost her baby about 4 days ago. We work together at a Greek Restaurant as servers, and are pretty good “work friends”. While we’ve never hung out after work, it is very common for all the servers to sit by the bar after hours and get pretty tanked, so all in all we get along pretty good. This is her first baby and she’s 23 as of two days ago. Talk about getting [censored] on for your birthday. I remember reading what became a pretty big thread in OOT a few months ago about a couple losing their baby, and it really really depressed me. Hearing it in a first hand situation and knowing all the parties involved makes it infinitely more depressing. I cannot even begin to fathom how hard this must be for this girl and her husband/family. I want to say something, but I don’t know what, and I don’t know what’s appropriate.

[Dominic]

I know it's hard, but tell her how very sorry you are and that you're there for her in any way she needs you to be. When I was younger one of my best friends lost his Dad suddenly, and instead of being there for him I got scared and avoided him for a few days because it scared me. I never forgave myself for that. Just be sincere.

[neuroman]

If you feel like you're close enough friends to say something, then how about the truth?

"Hey, I know what you're going through right now must be really tough. I don't really know what to say or if there's anything I can saw that would make you feel better, but you're in my (or all of our) thoughts/prayers."

As long as you're genuine, even if you don't find the right words, I think you'll be OK. Just avoid stupid or condescending platitudes like "everything will work out in the end" or "time heals all wounds" kind of stuff.

[By-Tor]

there is nothing you can say and are probably better off just giving her a very serious look in the eyes and saying "let me know if you need anything" and leave it at that.

[DeuceKicker]

My brother and his wife lost their baby during childbirth.

A simple "I'm very sorry [for your loss]" is probably good initially. They don't need a big speech.

More importantly, if you're her "work friend" continue to be so in the weeks and months afterward. Many parents resent being bombarded with condolensces at first, only to have it basically forgotten by everyone they know a few weeks later, while to them it still feels like yesterday.

If she seems to be having a bad day a month from now, remember that the loss is probably still very fresh to her. Be understanding and patient. A hand on the shoulder and "how are you holding up?" six months from now will mean more than some oratory masterpiece of expressed sorrow today.

[lambchop]

My girlfriend and I have been dealing with this same situation all week...she just had to have a DNC today. To be honest with you, there is obviously really nothing you can do or say to make things "better." I believe that the only thing you can do is be there for her, and the best thing to actually say to her is exactly what neroman stated...she will appreciate this, I know I did/do from my friends.

[ QUOTE ]
"Hey, I know what you're going through right now must be really tough. I don't really know what to say or if there's anything I can saw that would make you feel better, but you're in my (or all of our) thoughts/prayers."

[/ QUOTE ]

[private joker]

[ QUOTE ]
there is nothing you can say and are probably better off just giving her a very serious look in the eyes and saying "let me know if you need anything" and leave it at that.

[/ QUOTE ]

I can't tell if this only reads sleazy to me because it's By-Tor writing it, or if it's just sleazy in general. You're not really making a flirtation joke out of a miscarriage, are you?

[By-Tor]

[ QUOTE ]
My girlfriend and I have been dealing with this same situation all week...she just had to have a DNC today. To be honest with you, there is obviously really nothing you can do or say to make things "better." I believe that the only thing you can do is be there for her, and the best thing to actually say to her is exactly what neroman stated...she will appreciate this, I know I did/do from my friends.

[ QUOTE ]
"Hey, I know what you're going through right now must be really tough. I don't really know what to say or if there's anything I can saw that would make you feel better, but you're in my (or all of our) thoughts/prayers."

[/ QUOTE ]

[/ QUOTE ]

Never say the word 'prayers' in this situation.

[oneeye13]

"god has a reason for everything he does"

[4_2_it]

Whatever you say, say it quick. She doesn't want to hear a long speech reminding her of the most painful moment of her life.

"Sorry for your loss" or something else short is fine. If she wants to talk about it, I'm sure you will pick up on it.