Parting is such sweet sorrow...

[bluefeet]

I’m retiring guys & gals. It has truly been my pleasure spending countless hours with you all.

~

I’ve been debating for a few days now on how much to share. It’s a strange thing – these ‘virtual’ friendships. I had the fortune of meeting a handful of you…but it’s funny how close you can get to people that you haven’t met – and likely never will.

Well, not that strange really. Bonds form naturally, regardless of the journey people take together. The more intense the journey, the closer the bond (something I experienced serving 10 years in the military). This activity we’ve all chosen to take part in may not be changing the world, but it most definitely scrapes the personal limits of every basic human emotion. Having this community to celebrate with, our highs & to help shoulder the lows is pretty special. It fosters understanding & compassion – and it also provides us with inspiration. I doubt my story would fill either bill, but I think it would be a discredit to this community that has given me so much, to not share in return.

As most of you know, I’ve been playing the single parent role the past 12 years. I’m not altogether spiritual, but I’m certain that my single life purpose is to see to these girls’ health & happiness. Sadly for the girls & their mom, their relationship has been very limited over the years. Their mom loves them deeply. But while she’s ‘functional’, she’s suffered from emotional problems since day one – limiting her ability to take on more.

A shame for her, heartbreaking for the girls, but it’s been a blessing personally. Raising two girls, I have had the joy/dismay to experience things that not too many dads have. From the daily [never really-] mundane, to the can’t-believe-I-did-that (starting my own Girl Scout troop ranks up there)…it has been MOST rewarding.

Something that I didn’t pick up from Uncle Sam – or have the opportunity to develop post, was money management. Despite being lucky enough to land a decent job – I’ve been near life-busto since the day of the divorce and subsequent exit from the Air Force.

I’ve most certainly made my share of poor decisions along the way. Poor, because of my failure to grasp the larger consequences – for every move along the way was obviously ‘for the girls’. Knocking down every hurdle along the way to provide for them a ‘normal’ existence in our community, during those most important years, meant taking on the risks of debt.


I was long resigned to the fact that I would live out the remainder of my years working a 9-5 paying these bills. A comfortable retirement for me was never part of the equation. Provide the best I could for their childhood – while trying to maintain the most bare minimum safety net. But alas, life happens. We had a couple major crises a couple years ago which both depleted savings and maximized debt…including a poorly refinanced house. I was officially operating on the edge.

~

I had started playing poker on UB after the Chris Moneymaker win in 2003. For a solid year+, it was strictly recreational. I don’t have a night-life understandably…never have. I was the guy that played two or three low buy-in STTs on a Friday night after the kids went to bed. Limping anything suited, semi-connected, or a piece of paint [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] A $50 reload every couple months or so made for pretty cheap entertainment.

As things got tighter, I had got to wondering if people could actually make money playing on-line. Was everyone playing for fun like me, or were there people that actually played to earn income? I spent the latter months of ’04 attempting to be a student of the game. A test to see if I could turn a nice little profit if I took the time to learn what I knew had to be, an optimal way to approach the game.

I stumbled on 2p2 quite by accident. In January of ’05, I’d read a couple books and began to thirst for more. On a whim, I did a Google search from work to see if by chance there might be a forum where people discussed poker [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] …so naive. The first couple hits wouldn’t pass my work’s firewall. The third, this one, did. I was positively stunned…like jaw-dropping stuff. I just had no idea that there was this other world out there – the dedication, the sharing of this goal, which I still was only guessing might exist – playing on-line poker to make money. It only took a couple days (and a humbling reply from Citanul), and I was hooked.

In short order I found improvement in my game, and my modest goal of scraping together a few bucks to play golf with non-family money soon turned an avenue to actually give the ‘family’ a much needed pay raise. It was a godsend.

Unfortunately this new expendable income turned quite mandatory with the onset of aforementioned crises. I had to play. I had to win. The poker gods were gracious, I did win. I was able to consistently withdraw my ‘nut’, but never having the opportunity to build a proper roll. Every exceptional month found corresponding exceptional real-life needs. For an entire year, I was lucky to be playing with 20 buy-ins…and even luckier to not go busto along the way.

~

My profitable game of Russian roulette ended about this time last year – in just a short couple days. I found myself with a ‘need’ for this monthly income & no roll. Skipper, Microbet, and Yugo to the rescue! I accepted a small stake to go back to grinding the $27’s. It was marginally profitable – horse earned his nut, stake’rs were returned their stake + a couple bucks…but the situation and the experience set in place a new mindset for me regarding the game. I no longer enjoyed playing.

I wasn’t oblivious to the necessity for play in the preceding year, but it had officially become pure labor. It was hard to make myself play – and harder yet to dedicate the time for continued improvement.

I left the stake all square, again with an uber-small roll to attempt to get back on my own in the $60’s. Something I felt was necessary to motivate my play, and my desire to play again. I think the saying goes ‘if wishes and wants were berries and nuts, it’d be Christmas everyday’…something like that. One bad set placed me loosely, at best, again back in the $27’s.

Trufloridagator and I had been friends along the way – and talked regularly. I honestly wasn’t looking to get staked…just idle chit-chat about my frustration for not getting back up in buy-ins. Before his drunken busto night, Dan was one of those 200+ buy-in kind of guys. “psssh, no sweat blue, I’ll stake you some…come pwn the $60’s”…something along those lines.

He offered an extremely generous deal & off we went…fast & furious to start. Within a couple months, I had withdrawn my needs, he had returned his original stake…my head was again slightly above water.

Enter Senator Frisk [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] Well…a lot of things I suppose. I began what would end up being a 1,000+ tourney breakeven run. That’s a ton of games for a part-timer like me. It was spread across multiple sites & buy-ins, in attempts to reopen the gates. Missing this income for one month is near-disastrous. Missing it for almost four months was too much. “gg personal finances”.

~

I’m leaving the on-line poker world for two very simple reasons: I never have rediscovered that passion or desire to play/learn that I once had…and I no longer ‘need’ the money.

I’m ‘giving back’ my house. I owe more than it’s worth, there are needed repairs that I cannot afford to make…and I live in bubble-busted market area. There is no other choice.

I am also filing Chapter 13. This will buy me time to find a new place & keep the snowball from growing. With my income I don’t qualify for a Chapter 7 (where all debts are discharged). Honestly, I’m glad that’s the case. I don’t dispute a single penny that I owe a creditor…the debt is mine. With my income & pending savings in housing expenses, I will most likely be repaying 100% of my current debt over the next 5 years. In a structured, non-growing plan that I most desperately need.

So there you have it. To be honest, it is a tremendous relief – despite what are to be a couple unpleasant months ahead. I’m as big an optimist as you’ll ever meet. I’m one of the sick types that can actually find the simple beauty in taking on whatever life has to throw at you. I’m thankful for the ability to take on the inevitable ‘downswings’. A shrug, head shake, and a quick smile for recognizing the sheer randomness that is life, and the velocity at which the host of experiences can present themselves. Some days are better than others - but every day I'm giving is nothing short of an amazing one [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

I’m going to miss you guys. I won’t be moderating this forum any longer (which was my honor to serve by the way)…and I probably won’t be posting much at all, if any. I will most likely be on AIM a little more frequently now. All are always welcome to hit me up there. And I DO want to continue the personal friendships I have made. [Irie, I’d still love to come out and bar-bitch with Skip for the next shindig when it goes down.]

Maybe after I get my life in order and we see were all this poker legislation stuff lands – I may find a point somewhere to re-emerge.

Good luck to all of you. Be kind to one another!

[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] STTF
-Bluefeet

still -> [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]


(I know my recent daughter trip report flies in the face of my current situation. Truth be told, my daughter financed the trip which I have since repaid with my modest/inconsequential income tax return. Brilliant? Maybe not...but well worth it).

[Pudge714]

That sucks best of luck to you. I would like to give you some sort of insightful advice about how to solve this problem, but I'm a giant life n00b and everything has always been pretty easy for me, ie wealthy family, private school all that stuff. You seem like a nice guy and I really wish the best for you.
Also as your last act as mod will you let Bones and I play HU for Modship.

[Eagles]

Blue,
Good post, I hope everything works out for you. You were always a very good mod and a solid strat poster. Hopefully you'll make a few posts every once in a while.

[BHokie1]

Wow - Blue you will be sorely missed.

Good Luck in everything you do always,

B

[Slim Pickens]

It's disappointing to lose you from the forum, but it's at least good to know you won't leave us completely. You've added more thoughts as a poster and a mod than I believe it's possible for any individual to adsorb. Be strong, pwn life, and don't be a stranger on AIM.

[K䲰䮥n]

Sad to see you go. Thanks for the advices you gave!

[MikeMcQ1]

We are all losing a friend and mentor. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

I have no doubt you will be pulling yourself through the hardships you face, attested by your character you've shown here.

Godspeed, Dave. My heart is broken.

[kevstreet]

Godspeed my friend and continue to cheerish the time you spend w/ your girls.

We'll all miss you,

Kev

[pergesu]

Dave, you are a cool ass dude. As I read this, it sounded in my mind that you were smiling the whole time and chuckling at parts. You probably don't think much of it, but man that's an amazing thing.

You're a good dude, and a good dad. If you ever need a random punk kid to pick you up from the airport, you know who to call.

[ALReturnsLOL]

wow [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

Its slowing ending, isn't it?

Bluefeet your a great guy and I really hope the best for you. I will make sure to keep in touch