Detachment (xpost)

[Ansky]

Detachment

Two and a half years ago, I tried out for the McGill soccer team (that’s my university for those who don’t know it). I grew up playing soccer. I loved the game, I was intense about it, passionate even.

I made it past the first three cuts, and on the last day of tryouts, when I had already become friends with almost everyone on the team, grown accustomed to the routine, I was cut. I had been playing with the team for almost a month. The coach brought me into his office, sat me down, and told me that he really liked me and all that BS, but there simply was no room on the team. I wasn’t good enough. I got up to leave, in disgust. He asked that I shake his hand though, and while I pondered turning my back on him, I shook his hand and looked him in the eye. He really was sorry. So was I.

Perhaps this was the catalyst to me getting so intense about poker, and why I turned to tournament poker to begin with. I was filling the void that soccer could no longer provide. I lived my entire life playing a game on Sundays, and now all of a sudden, I had a tournament every Sunday. Tournament poker was a way to compete again, and it was something I was pretty good at I found. I loved bluffing people, I loved making sick folds and sick calls. I wanted people to feel outplayed. Clearly, there was some pent up rage about getting outplayed in soccer. I was a competitor, and I still am.

Sometime in the last few weeks/ maybe months, I decided I was going to get back into shape, and try out for the McGill soccer team again. I told my friends and roommates, and they all doubted me. They talked about how lazy I am, and how I have gone to the gym 5 times in the last 3 years. I don’t blame them. I sit on my chair most of the day, if not playing poker, then very often doing something associated with it. But enough is enough, I need to prove to myself I am not lost without poker. I am still myself.

I am grateful that I found poker, and I am blessed with an ability to play the game well. I am not special, I am no bld, no aba, no Ivey. But, I’d like to think that for whatever reason, this game has just clicked for me. It has never been easy, I often go through streaks where my mind is cluttered and I am playing poorly, but overall I am sure I find it easier than most. Despite this, I recognize the danger of poker, or perhaps more broadly, gambling. It scares me that I can get so affected by results. I KNOW in my head and in my heart that it makes no sense to get bothered by results. I can only be bothered by decisions right? That is what I tell everyone, and what I tell myself, but for some reason when I go to bed at night on a losing day I think about it. When I woke up on Monday, the first thing I thought was “you had 30,000 more dollars this time yesterday, you idiot.”

Last semester, I took 3 courses so that I could spend more time grinding and playing poker, because I thought this might have been my last year to be able to play online poker. Despite the easier course load, I lost all interest in school and failed 2 classes. In high school, I was a good student. I went to a very difficult school, but still maintained a good average, and very good SAT score. When I came to McGill, it seemed my grades declined as a function of my bankroll going up in poker. I used to consider myself something of an intellectual, someone concerned with the world around him. As I have become more and more enamored with poker, I have lost touch with my intellect, and my awareness. It is as if I only live in the real world some of the time. The other part of the time I live in a fantasy world (2+2/online poker world).

I want this semester to be one where I get back into school. Most of my friends are starting to really take interest in their studies, now that we are getting older and actually becoming adults. I on the other hand, am heading straight into poker. I have talked to a few people about this, but I have begun to realize that there is no end in poker. There is no final destination, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. At least, for me there isn’t. I realize for some people who play for their families and their livelihood, it is a different situation, but for me I do not play to get by. The number at the bottom of my pokertracker at the end of the month is hardly what I play for. I play for a whole slew of reasons, and only one of those reasons is money. To those who feel differently about the game, good for you, but I can’t just be a grinder. I wish I could remove emotion and just grind it out, but that is not my style.

Back when I sucked, and was still very much in the learning stage, I was very emotionally stable. I handled losses without any problems. I trained myself to NEVER get upset at a bad beat, and I didn’t. Today, I threw a cup off of my table when I lost a 10k pot to a 2 outer. That has never happened before. I am afraid of what I am becoming, and I need to stop this trend. It is time I take a real break, and not just like a 1 week break. I am not going to play until my ‘spring’ break, sometime in late February. I am not going to play poker, I am not going to watch poker, I am not going to post on 2+2, I will do none of that. I need to get into shape, I need to start studying again, oh and I haven’t gotten laid in 2 months, so that would be nice as well.

I am going to ask a mod to ban me for a month, and I am going to cash out of all sites and uninstall all poker programs. If you want to contact me, and you have my aim, then do that. If you don’t have my aim, then I prob don’t know you anyway so you can wait or find it out from someone else. If/when I come back, I’ll be back with a 50k roll and ill start out at 5/10. Hopefully this will be the healthiest thing I have ever done. See you all in a month, and good luck to you.

[bicyclekick]

Sounds like a great plan. Enjoy yourself!

[SlowHabit]

I'm sure you'll play better once you come back.

Good luck [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

[nextgenneo]

gl

[jkkkk]

Good luck with going cold turkey man, we'll see you again sometime soon.

[NicksDad1970]

Sounds like a plan to me..... I was about to say make sure to save some cash and plan for the future. But it sounds like you're already on top of that.

take care

[cameronw01]

Sounds like a great idea Ansky, good luck, I really hope it works out for you.

[mperich]

good post...i find i burnout every 4-5 months or so and take a month or two off pretty much to recuperate and relax and travel and what not. Its a good balance, especially if you dont care about the money.

-Mike

[ahnuld]

gl with the soccer, sounds like a healthy choice. you're too smart to be failing classes bro but it seems like you already know that. Im sure when you come back (if you want to come back and play as dedicated as before) your game will have improved. A month off always helps things in life and in cards.

[cheiro]

best of luck