B, B, or V: My brother is an aspiring author

[shortline99]

My thirteen year old brother has decided to write the next great American novel (12 chapters, 5 pages each, he says). These pages are recorded in a standard black and white marble composition notebook. I transcribed them today. Please let me know your thoughts. I couldn't breathe at some points during this story because I was laughing too hard.

Cliff Notes for the lazy: There are three chapters. Chapter 2 is the best. Keep in mind, these characters are 13 years old and that we live in suburban Massachusetts. My brother has never seen California.





PSYCHIC GIRL

Chapter 1 – Oakland Nights and Days

John Wilder was no ordinary thirteen-year-old. He longed to have a girl whom he could bring close and call beautiful. But for him, it was impossible. All the girls he asked out or invited to a school dance turned him down. His best friend had a girlfriend named Kelsey. She was tall and had long blonde hair that hung down like a yellow beach towel. Her blue eyes sparkled like sapphires.
One day, the three met up at an Athletics game. It was a hot September and all the pretty girls went to the beach by the Golden Gate for the very last time. When John saw Kelsey's cute face, he said enthusiastically, “What brings a cute thing like you here to the Collosseum?”
“Greg took me to this game because it's the greatest rivalry in California.” Then she leaned over and whispered, “I'm a secret Angels fan. Shhh, don't tell him.”
The game went to the 15th inning when Kelsey got tired and slept on John's lap, happy and content. She wasn't asleep for very long when with two outs Eric Chavez stared down the ball on an 0-2 count from Bartolo Colon and missed. A huge cheer from the Angels half aroused her, waking her up.
It was 10:00 when the three got to Kelsey's house, their home base for the night. They settled in and started talking when Kelsey's dad closed the door. “So, you going to the dance tomorrow, Kelsey?” John interrogated.
“Yes,” said Kelsey. “Want to come with me?”
“Sure!” he leaped up and partially yelled.
The next day, they made plans to meet at 6:30 outside the bar where the dance took place, the Feisty Kangaroo.
At 6:13, Kelsey was in her room dying her hair a deep yellow and putting on her prettiest Armani dress, which was blue and green with blue, yellow, and green fur wrapped around her neck and down her sides. The dances were never formal, but she didn't care. Neither did the town. That's because every seventh and eighth grade girl would do something like Kelsey did.
The Feisty Kangaroo was the largest bar in Oakland and the city's hot spot. Kelsey walked casually with John as if no boy could speak because they were paralyzed by her beauty and charm. After a while, a slow song (Piano Man by Billy Joel) played. And then, just at that moment, Kelsey grabbed his shouldlrs and rocked slowly back and forth. John realized he couldn't be luckier to have this happen. With Greg sick, she was all his. And then everyone stopped and formed a circle around them and they just stared wondering. Could this be happening? It was, nevertheless.
When it ended, she looked at his Elvis-like face and leaned forward, kissing him on the lips and holding him gentle as a kitten. When she stopped, he looked at her and his face turned red. Now, in front of everyone, he was just an athletic boy who fell in love with Kelsey Durban at the September dance that Greg didn't go to.
“You gonna break up with Greg, Kelsey?” John anxiously questioned.
“Yes!” she shouted as she hugged him like a teddy bear. “But only as a boyfriend. We'll still be friends.”
The next day, Greg came to John's house and knocked on the door. He was brought to John's room where he heard John cuddling Kelsey in his bed. “What's going on, girl?” he asked.
“Oh, just playing with my boyfriend.”
“We're still together, right?”
“As friends,” she smiled and kissed John again.


Chapter 2 – The New Girl

When the first gym class on Friday started, Kelsey and John met at the two locker room doors. They smiled at each other and Kelsey brushed a quick kiss on his cheek. They were the first two changed with a familiar volleyball setup. The volleyball tournament was coming up and the teams were picked in class. They were coed and numbers were given to each person, the orthodox system. Kelsey got 3 and so did John. When they found out, they embraced and they had a really long kiss and went to warm up.
They won one and lost one that day, the same with every team. They were planning to go uptown to the beach to roll in a huge sand pit hot tub. Kelsey wore a bikini that made her look so beautiful to all the guys. They would roll down a sandy hill, holding on to each other laughing and kissing all the way. It led to a sort of hot tub at the bottom of the hill where they could relax.
When they were done, they met up with Greg and his new girl, Emily, who was short with red hair curled like barbed wire on an electric fence. They all met up with each other at a Chili's near the local theater to see Snakes on a Plane. They were walking in when an average size red-haired girl with a black and reed dress with pink gloves said, “You're going to see Snakes on a Plane, aren't y'all?”
“How'd you know?” asked John.
“I'm Brianna. I have never been here, but I know everything about everyone and what they're doing, where they're going, who they like and I can read their minds.”
John kind of thought that all his secrets about asking to marry Kelsey would spread. Things could change the town forever. Possibly the state. The country. Even the world. Kelsey's surprise for John's birthday would be out. They had to warn the others. They went alone to their houses, got their bikes and met on John's street. They went to John's first and his mother had no clue what was going on.
“There's a psychic girl running around who's going to give your social security number to Mexicans so they can plant a bomb in our yard!” John jumped up and yelled very loudly, which was hard to do considering that Kelsey was shaking while gripping his torso.
Once everyone was warned, everyone was ready to leave Oakland. Great. Got the people, now how about getting the girl cured of ESP? They needed to do some research on how to cure ESP. They met at the library next day when only five hundred people remained.
“Here it is,” Kelsey determined.
They were on Google and found a link to Tufts University that said if you hit someone with ESP with a blunt object, they are 98% cured.
“Brilliant!” John shouted. “We'll just punch her in the head!”
Kelsey shrugged. “I'll stay outta this one.”


Chapter 3 – Plan A

“So, what's the plan?” asked Greg.
“We wait till she's talking with her boyfriend outside the place where we met her. John creeps along to knock her unconscious. Kelsey distracts Dan with her charm until he gets flirty, then I drop both of the flour bags from the roof. You buy tickets to the new film and act casual like you're hanging out. Wait till John finishes, then cuff her and bring her to the cops. It's perfect.”
“We'll help each other. Greg, rig the flour on the roof. Emily, go buy the biggest bags around town. I'll go to Kelsey's and help her come up with a good way to look to get him to speak up.”
John always would help Kelsey with her part in anything because things would always get interesting. They planned to meet up at 7:30. So they went their separate ways. John and Kelsey went to Kelsey's house to get down with their part. They went upstairs and they pulled out a huge box with seashells on it. “Lucky I still have this,” she smiled. “I've been saving these forever.”
She took a steak knife from her closet and sliced the wooden cover off the box. Oh, what a surprise met John's eyes! This plan couldn't get any better. It was a dress with a material that John had never heard of that was stretchy and pink in the middle. There was pink fur running down the sides and around the head hole. There was also silver shoes that glistened in the light. “Don't look while I change,” Kelsey warned. “I plan to look my best at the time of our success.”
She took a pink rose, put it in her hair, and went to the bathroom to change. John smiled. He knew nothing could go wrong. “How do I look?” Kelsey asked. “I think I should use more makeup but it's your call on this one.”
John nodded his head and grabbed her cosmetics. She went to a mirror in her closet and was gone for 2 minutes. She came back out and showcased.
“Now I like it!” John exclaimed.
It was 7:10 and they thought they should head out. John's dad came by to pick them up. Before they got in the Saturn, John handed Kelsey a box that looked like a jewelry box. She opened it and pulled out a gold ring with a pink diamond on it. She let out a huge “oh!” and kissed him. “Where and how did you buy this you little cute thing?” she exclaimed.
“Easy,” said John. “I won $50,000 in McDonald's Monopoly Game. So, I bought it at Zales for $10,100. And now, it's all yours, baby girl.”
They kissed and cuddled the whole time in the backseat till they got there at 7:25. They ran around into an alley, unseen, waiting for Brianna and Dan to arrive. At 7:28, Greg and Emily arrived.
“We rigged it all at 5:50,” said Greg exhaustingly. “Places , everyone.”
At 7:35, the white Escalade pulled up. They were ready, and Kelsey took John by the hand and they casually walked inside. Dan recognized John's flowing black hair and called, “How's your girl?”
“She's my only prized possession, and she's way cuter than your walking stick there.”

----TO BE CONTINUED?!!??!?!----

[Gildwulf]

[ QUOTE ]
She was tall and had long blonde hair that hung down like a yellow beach towel.

[/ QUOTE ]

I just spit out my drink laughing

[shortline99]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
She was tall and had long blonde hair that hung down like a yellow beach towel.

[/ QUOTE ]

I just spit out my drink laughing

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then i would suggest you put down your drink for the rest of it

[Perseus]

Brag...to have a 13 year old brother motivated enough to try and write a novel is a real blessing...keep encouraging.

That is the note from the 2+2 reading NYC English Teacher.

Honestly, I wish my kids would stop thinking they can play professional basketball and become 5% as interested in literature.

[Gildwulf]

Chapter 2 might be the greatest story ever told in BBV

[shortline99]

[ QUOTE ]
Brag...to have a 13 year old brother motivated enough to try and write a novel is a real blessing...keep encouraging.

That is the note from the 2+2 reading NYC English Teacher.

Honestly, I wish my kids would stop thinking they can play professional basketball and become 5% as interested in literature.

[/ QUOTE ]
actually, my brother looks exactly like adam morrison. same mustache and hair. and he wants to play basketball and then have a successful writing career. maybe your kids can do both?

[AE6]

i think it's cute

[DING-DONG YO]

A++++++

I have a vision in my head of the cover of this novel. It would be some 13 year-old kid with flowing hair and his shirt off. Just like Fabio, but 13.

K, nevermind, I just realized that vision isn't funny anymore, but creepy.

[LooseCaller]

"When it ended, she looked at his Elvis-like face and leaned forward, kissing him on the lips and holding him gentle as a kitten."

never have i ever been so compelled to write ROFL LMAO WTF LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!11111

[thunk]

I'm a writer myself. He's really not all that bad for his age. Cliche as a drugstore paperback, but it can and will get better with criticism and time.