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#1
09-27-2006, 01:22 PM
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with a whimper, not a bang
I would just like certain people to know that I am still alive, but my life is over. People die all the time inside, and that is me. For certain people one event "ends" their life- perhaps they become vegetables or perhaps they are forced to leave there only refuges and live alone on the road, forever haunting the highways like ghosts. The vegetables, the ghost, the wallflowers, the widows- the sad truth is that many of them are dead inside. Everyone acknowledges there are things worse than death, and I have perhaps not experienced those things- though i feel that way. My problems have grated me down to nothing.
When I first started psoting here I was a whiny suburban kid who was going to Kansas State University and majoring in English. For a normal person, maybe they could have become hardened and stopped bieng a whiny ^$%^? like me, but I failed to do so. Probably because of my ADD, my bipolar disorder, my insomnia, my desperate pleas for attention but maybe its really just part of my nature- a born loser. I used to think high school was a prison and that I would grow out of it or whatever- people tried to convince me of this. But I was actually much more normal in high school, and even though I had few friends, I had real friends. After I failed out of Kansas State and my parents came to my disgusting dorm room- I am terribly messy , and drove me home on rainy day, they knew I was different. The 19 year old bryce is even more psychotic than the 17 year old- the bridge between me and reality grows wider and wider. They could barely stand me at home, my outburst, my increased lack of awareness, my insomniac walks for miles and miles at a time, my alcoholism- but they knew I had nowhere to go. I failed out fo Johnson County community college too, and had a nice chat with the school admninistrator.beofre I left spanish class I had written a bizzarre note. He was very worried about me and encouraged me, after as long discussion to write more, maybe for the newspaper or minds eye. After I failed out of JCCC and lost my friends slowly but surely, it just got worse. I cant really hold down a job because Im incapable of working for 8 hours straight, not that im lazy, just that I get lost, forget what im doing(even simple task) and end up not bieng very productive and just messing things up while I am in Bryce's world of perverted imagination. SO now Im a 21 year old with cuts and scars all over his body(self inflicted), no friends and no future. As a side note after 1 month of poker I have turned an 800 dollar bankroll into 460 dollars- I suck becuase i cant really play for long periods of time well(shocking) I have gown quieter and generally try to avoid people although its not like theres much to avoid. My health insurance cost a lot more for my parents now that im not in college, and they realize i cant do anything now- Ive agreed to go to an institution but they havent found one for the right price yet.I will probably continue to live in the corner of parents house, like a discarded mistake. And so thats how my story ends.whimper. I wish I could stop it but I dont have any power except the power to be invisible, to scare people, to hurt myself, and to love people who dont actually love me back. If my parents read this, they have been looking into a lot of things about me recently as if there is some kind of cure waiting somewhere, I just want to say that I am sorry. But really its not as bad as death. I can still eat pizza. I can still read(james joyce and christopher marlowe can be my new imaginary friends lol) and I can still look at the wind outside and imagine the things I never could create. I like to think that there is some real quantifiable substance to imagination and that somehow mine has affected something for the better. Its sad but thats that. So anyway, no I am not dead, Ive just run out of things to whine about and things i feel are unjust and the attention that comes from the internet just makes me feel worse. 
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#4
09-27-2006, 01:30 PM
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Re: with a whimper, not a bang
Crawl back to your old job at kroger.
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#5
09-27-2006, 01:31 PM
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Re: with a whimper, not a bang
I don't want to sound mean, but I sincerely think that if your story is true, your parents should speed up that institutionalization thing.
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#6
09-27-2006, 01:32 PM
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Re: with a whimper, not a bang
[ QUOTE ]
I'm sure this has been asked after everyone of your posts, but you have recieved/are getting psychiatric help, right? [/ QUOTE ] lolololololol i have to leave in 5 minutes becuase of this.
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#9
09-27-2006, 01:43 PM
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Re: with a whimper, not a bang
[ QUOTE ]
get a creative outlet (even if its just a blog). get some help go tell you parents you love them [/ QUOTE ] He has a blog, it sucks. http://superdead.sfhosting.org/
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