Friend is physically abusing his wife... do I have a play?

metrognome7 · #1 09-14-2006, 09:56 AM

Note: I was originally going to write a long introduction with the couple's background - and I still can if need be - but at the end of the day only the following is really relevant.

I've recently found out that one of my best friends - let's call him Darren - recently physically injured his wife - let's call her Lena - during a domestic dispute. Apparently he picked her up (he's about 6'4", 290 and she's around 5'2", 125) and threw her across the room and into a wall, then stormed out of the condo. She wasn't seriously hurt - a few bruises and a twisted ankle - but still...

This is the culmination of months of trouble between them; Darren's been skipping work to play World of Warcraft and poker, and Lena's taken a 3rd job just so she won't have to go home (and also because they need some sort of income, since he's not going into work). My wife has encouraged Lena to leave him, but she says "oh, it was no big deal... he won't do it again." It doesn't help that Lena's Catholic upbringing leads her to hold divorce as a terrible sin.

The obvious play here is "it's none of my business, they'll work it out on their own" and that's fine if they're just generally unhappy, but Darren's capable of startling violence and I don't want Lena to end up severely injured. There's also the fact that the marriage is a shambles on the whole and it's a general consensus among friends and family that the two of them should be working towards seperation. Do I have any right to approach Darren about the situation, or should I just leave it be?

deadbody · #2 09-14-2006, 10:01 AM

THe only approach you have is to talk to him about the violence. THe problem is that this could hurt the situation more than help it. Sadly you and your family sound like they are doing what they can to help, support Lena and help her leave a bad situation. She will leave shen she is ready, unfortunately it may take more beatings for this to occur. DO what you are doing, support her and make sure she knows that what Darren is doing is not OK, and she is worth more than that. Low self-esteem is a major enabeler of domestic violence, and you need to raise hers.

Since this is OOT, option 2 is to get her drunk and SIIHP but I'm not sure that is the route you really want to take.

Dave I · #3 09-14-2006, 10:04 AM

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It doesn't help that Lena's Catholic upbringing leads her to hold divorce as a terrible sin.

[/ QUOTE ]

Really you should stay out of it with Darren. No good can come of that. The only involvement I would engage in, if I did at all, is trying to convince Lena that she needs to leave/get help.

Rant: The above quote is such a joke and exemplifies everything that is wrong with religion, or better yet, peoples interpretations of it. I guess God would rather Lena get beat or killed than get a divorce. People are dumb.

metrognome7 · #4 09-14-2006, 10:07 AM

[ QUOTE ]

Since this is OOT, option 2 is to get her drunk and SIIHP but I'm not sure that is the route you really want to take.

[/ QUOTE ]

I tried this back in HS, before the two of them met. Didn't work due to aforementioned Catholic upbringing.

NT! · #5 09-14-2006, 10:14 AM

So you're best friends with a fat, wife-beating unemployed World of Warcraft geek? WTF.

This is a pretty stereotypical internet tough guy response, but if one of my friends or friends' boyfriends ever hit a woman, much less went all WWF on her when he's three times her size, I would [censored] his fat ass up.

The other option is to tell him he's a walking piece of worthless [censored] and if he ever lays a finger on her again you'll call the cops and testify against him in a heartbeat.

Seriously WTF.

NT

SoloAJ · #6 09-14-2006, 10:21 AM

[ QUOTE ]
So you're best friends with a fat, wife-beating unemployed World of Warcraft geek? WTF.

This is a pretty stereotypical internet tough guy response, but if one of my friends or friends' boyfriends ever hit a woman, much less went all WWF on her when he's three times her size, I would [censored] his fat ass up.

The other option is to tell him he's a walking piece of worthless [censored] and if he ever lays a finger on her again you'll call the cops and testify against him in a heartbeat.

Seriously WTF.

NT

[/ QUOTE ]

QFT...oddly enough.

efficacy · #7 09-14-2006, 10:24 AM

Get new friends, seriously.

Jihad · #8 09-14-2006, 10:28 AM

[ QUOTE ]
The obvious play here is "it's none of my business, they'll work it out on their own"

[/ QUOTE ] Holy shiite what the [censored] is this world coming to? That's the exact opposite of the obvious play. You need to, at the very least, confront him face to face. Personally, I would opt for speaking to both of them at length, nonconfrontationally, and separately. At most, just straight out call the police. "None of my business" is not even remotely defendable. Even suggesting it is pathetic.

Hopey · #9 09-14-2006, 10:30 AM

I wonder how long it will take before one of the "relationship experts" on here replies with "bros before ho's, dude"...

To the OP: Stop being friends with the guy. Once a friend of mine hits his wife/gf, he's no longer my friend. Other than that, there's not much you can do. The wife needs to make the decision to leave on her own. She's clinging to the hope that he'll return to "normal" one day...which almost certainly won't happen until he's hit rock bottom. Hopefully he doesn't end up seriously hurting her or killing her before she finally sees the light.

danzasmack · #10 09-14-2006, 10:31 AM

You should have approached your friend when he started skipping work to play games on the internet.