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  #1  
Old 05-09-2006, 02:19 PM
spaceman Bryce spaceman Bryce is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Somewhere warm- olathe!
Posts: 588
Default Im at a library and i wrote a poem! (criticism welcome)

Pretend like you care

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pretend like you care.
I need to feel wanted,
I want to lay it all out
And stand naked and bare.

Tell me Im innocent,
show me white lies,
make me believe
people can repent.

Tell me im interesting.
Pretend you'll miss me
because i can only hide
from this infestation.

Maggots swirling free
telling me im evil
wanting me to stop,
give me permission to be me.

Pretend that you care
because I will believe
since i want to,
and no one else is there.
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  #2  
Old 05-09-2006, 02:19 PM
bisonbison bisonbison is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: battling obesity
Posts: 11,598
Default Re: Im at a library and i wrote a poem! (criticism welcome)

i am about to braek!
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  #3  
Old 05-09-2006, 02:24 PM
Autocratic Autocratic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: D.C.
Posts: 3,004
Default Re: Im at a library and i wrote a poem! (criticism welcome)

Life shattering before my eyes
Everything is black
Unhappiness surrounds us all
Someone pay attention to me
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  #4  
Old 05-09-2006, 02:27 PM
[censored] [censored] is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: mortally hurting
Posts: 9,174
Default Re: Im at a library and i wrote a poem! (criticism welcome)

SMB,

I care

[censored]
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  #5  
Old 05-09-2006, 02:30 PM
RunDownHouse RunDownHouse is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Nashville
Posts: 10,810
Default Re: Im at a library and i wrote a poem! (criticism welcome)

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  #6  
Old 05-09-2006, 02:31 PM
george w george w is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: austin, tx
Posts: 1,790
Default Re: Im at a library and i wrote a poem! (criticism welcome)


stop crying emo kid!
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  #7  
Old 05-09-2006, 02:31 PM
TheMainEvent TheMainEvent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Recliner of Rage
Posts: 4,383
Default Re: Im at a library and i wrote a poem! (criticism welcome)

Any poem that makes reference to maggots has to be worth something.
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  #8  
Old 05-09-2006, 02:32 PM
bisonbison bisonbison is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: battling obesity
Posts: 11,598
Default Re: Im at a library and i wrote a poem! (criticism welcome)

Pretend like you care.
I need to feel wanted,
I want to lay it all out
And stand naked and bare.

Tell me Im innocent,
show me white lies,
make me believe
people can repent.

Tell me im interesting.
Pretend you'll miss me
because i can only hide
from this infestation.

Maggots swirling free
telling me im evil
wanting me to stop,
give me permission to be me.

Pretend that you care
because I will believe
since i want to,
and no one else is there.


I rewrote your poem for you:


I confuse disinterest and uninterest,
which is typical.
It wakes me feel wanted and I like to be naked while standing.

I believe in repenting people,
well, repenting lies at least.

Tell me things while I'm naked,
miss me when I hide,
and enjoy the grubby traction of permission to find me.

I like to stand naked and have people tell me things.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-09-2006, 02:35 PM
amplify amplify is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Always Already
Posts: 18,027
Default Re: Im at a library and i wrote a poem! (criticism welcome)

[ QUOTE ]
i am about to braek!

[/ QUOTE ]
Why is this so funny?
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  #10  
Old 05-09-2006, 02:36 PM
spaceman Bryce spaceman Bryce is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Somewhere warm- olathe!
Posts: 588
Default Re: Im at a library and i wrote a poem! (criticism welcome)

[ QUOTE ]
Pretend like you care.
I need to feel wanted,
I want to lay it all out
And stand naked and bare.

Tell me Im innocent,
show me white lies,
make me believe
people can repent.

Tell me im interesting.
Pretend you'll miss me
because i can only hide
from this infestation.

Maggots swirling free
telling me im evil
wanting me to stop,
give me permission to be me.

Pretend that you care
because I will believe
since i want to,
and no one else is there.


I rewrote your poem for you:


I confuse disinterest and uninterest,
which is typical.
It wakes me feel wanted and I like to be naked while standing.

I believe in repenting people,
well, repenting lies at least.

Tell me things while I'm naked,
miss me when I hide,
and enjoy the grubby traction of permission to find me.

I like to stand naked and have people tell me things.

[/ QUOTE ]

I like it
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