Fix this Paragraph + Pics of Jessica Alba (NSFW)

[NotMyJob]

Cross posted in the dorm. figure I'd maybe get more responses here though

Fix this paragraph earn good karma. Also pics of Jessica Alba. woo!

Wide Sargasso Sea and With Silent Tread focus their novels on two women characters that are in the midst of a culture surrounded by miscegenation. Since the West Indies was so ethnically and culturally diverse, societal influence forced the white Creole woman in the two novels to maintain racial purity by marrying white men from Britain and Europe. Because of the strict focus on the preservation of white purity, any type of non-white culture could endanger tainting the purity of the white race. Since white European and British society view white Creoles as tainted, the marriages of Antoinette from Wide Sargasso Sea and Morea from With Silent Tread are doomed to fail.

I know I suck at writing and life. K thx

[elwoodblues]

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Wide Sargasso Sea and With Silent Tread focus their novels...

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VERY awkward (and incorrect.) You are essentially saying "These two books focus their books..." Change it so the authors are doing the focussing of "their novels" or "Wide Sargasso Sea and With Silent Tread focus on..." (omitting the "their novels.)

You are starting too many sentences with "since" or "because."

[Spellmen]

You really shouldn't start any sentence with since or because

[SoloAJ]

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You really shouldn't start any sentence with since or because

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I'm in the group that says this is more of a personal taste than anything. Very few people are going to read something of yours and pinpoint a sentence starting with "Since..." And if they do, they are being far too anal and prescriptive about writing (and I'm generally more prescriptive myself).

[Falc]

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You really shouldn't start any sentence with since or because

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"Since the dawning of time..."

That can't be wrong right?

"Why can't I go to the party tonight?"
"Because I say so!"

Maybe not a "sentence" tho [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

[mbillie1]

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[ QUOTE ]
You really shouldn't start any sentence with since or because

[/ QUOTE ]

"Since the dawning of time..."

That can't be wrong right?


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Actually that's pretty wrong... "since the dawn of time" might sound a little less ridiculous

[Falc]

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[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
You really shouldn't start any sentence with since or because

[/ QUOTE ]

"Since the dawning of time..."

That can't be wrong right?


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Actually that's pretty wrong... "since the dawn of time" might sound a little less ridiculous

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"Since that day they haven't lost a single game".

yes/no?

[bisonbison]

You really shouldn't start any sentence with since or because

It's a good guideline, cause it it may free you from some unnecessary verbiage, but it's not a rule.

[bisonbison]

Wide Sargasso Sea and With Silent Tread focus on two women besieged by the perceived threat of miscegenation. Both are white Creoles forced for the sake of 'purity' to marry white men from Britain and Europe. It is each woman's responsibility to strive for racial and social purity, and any contact with a non-white or non-European culture endangers them. They are white enough to strive for an imagined ideal, but their efforts are in vain. Their Creole heritage has already 'tainted' them and doomed their marriages to 'whiter' men.


You should go to a visit your school's writing workshop every day.

[NotMyJob]

[ QUOTE ]
Wide Sargasso Sea and With Silent Tread focus on two women besieged by the perceived threat of miscegenation. Both are white Creoles forced for the sake of 'purity' to marry white men from Britain and Europe. It is each woman's responsibility to strive for racial and social purity, and any contact with a non-white or non-European culture endangers them. They are white enough to strive for an imagined ideal, but their efforts are in vain. Their Creole heritage has already 'tainted' them and doomed their marriages to 'whiter' men.


You should go to a visit your school's writing workshop every day.

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Thank you for the responses. and yes I do need major help, having terrible ADD and being a poor writer doesn't exactly produce the best papers.