Fix this Paragraph + Pics of Jessica Alba (NSFW)
 

Cross posted in the dorm. figure I'd maybe get more responses here though

Fix this paragraph earn good karma. Also pics of Jessica Alba. woo!

Wide Sargasso Sea and With Silent Tread focus their novels on two women characters that are in the midst of a culture surrounded by miscegenation. Since the West Indies was so ethnically and culturally diverse, societal influence forced the white Creole woman in the two novels to maintain racial purity by marrying white men from Britain and Europe. Because of the strict focus on the preservation of white purity, any type of non-white culture could endanger tainting the purity of the white race. Since white European and British society view white Creoles as tainted, the marriages of Antoinette from Wide Sargasso Sea and Morea from With Silent Tread are doomed to fail.

I know I suck at writing and life. K thx













http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v1...llpapers-3.jpg http://i14.ebayimg.com/05/i/07/0e/4a/aa_1_b.JPG
http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/927...aalba01bu1.jpg

Re: Fix this Paragraph + Pics of Jessica Alba (NSFW)
 

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Wide Sargasso Sea and With Silent Tread focus their novels...

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VERY awkward (and incorrect.) You are essentially saying "These two books focus their books..." Change it so the authors are doing the focussing of "their novels" or "Wide Sargasso Sea and With Silent Tread focus on..." (omitting the "their novels.)

You are starting too many sentences with "since" or "because."

Re: Fix this Paragraph + Pics of Jessica Alba (NSFW)
 

Wide Sargasso Sea and With Silent Tread focus on two women besieged by the perceived threat of miscegenation. Both are white Creoles forced for the sake of 'purity' to marry white men from Britain and Europe. It is each woman's responsibility to strive for racial and social purity, and any contact with a non-white or non-European culture endangers them. They are white enough to strive for an imagined ideal, but their efforts are in vain. Their Creole heritage has already 'tainted' them and doomed their marriages to 'whiter' men.


You should go to a visit your school's writing workshop every day.

Re: Fix this Paragraph + Pics of Jessica Alba (NSFW)
 

[ QUOTE ]
Wide Sargasso Sea and With Silent Tread focus on two women besieged by the perceived threat of miscegenation. Both are white Creoles forced for the sake of 'purity' to marry white men from Britain and Europe. It is each woman's responsibility to strive for racial and social purity, and any contact with a non-white or non-European culture endangers them. They are white enough to strive for an imagined ideal, but their efforts are in vain. Their Creole heritage has already 'tainted' them and doomed their marriages to 'whiter' men.


You should go to a visit your school's writing workshop every day.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thank you for the responses. and yes I do need major help, having terrible ADD and being a poor writer doesn't exactly produce the best papers.

Re: Fix this Paragraph + Pics of Jessica Alba (NSFW)
 

Everyone's got a different way to get at their 'big picture' for an argument. You should seek out people who can help you conceive the big picture and then offer strategies to break the big picture down into digestible chunks.

If you have ADD, you need the practice more than most. Just remember, it's a skill for anyone. There is no one in the world who doesn't write better after practice.

Re: Fix this Paragraph + Pics of Jessica Alba (NSFW)
 

[ QUOTE ]
There is no one in the world who doesn't write better after practice.

[/ QUOTE ]

I bet you could take the top twenty posters here, look at their first five and last five posts, and find some pretty good counterarguments.

Ray

Re: Fix this Paragraph + Pics of Jessica Alba (NSFW)
 

I bet you could take the top twenty posters here, look at their first five and last five posts, and find some pretty good counterarguments.

If you donk it up for 10 hours with your friends, does your poker game improve? No.

Simply doing an activity is different than intentional practive.

Re: Fix this Paragraph + Pics of Jessica Alba (NSFW)
 

You really shouldn't start any sentence with since or because

Re: Fix this Paragraph + Pics of Jessica Alba (NSFW)
 

[ QUOTE ]
You really shouldn't start any sentence with since or because

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm in the group that says this is more of a personal taste than anything. Very few people are going to read something of yours and pinpoint a sentence starting with "Since..." And if they do, they are being far too anal and prescriptive about writing (and I'm generally more prescriptive myself).

Re: Fix this Paragraph + Pics of Jessica Alba (NSFW)
 

[ QUOTE ]
You really shouldn't start any sentence with since or because

[/ QUOTE ]

"Since the dawning of time..."

That can't be wrong right?

"Why can't I go to the party tonight?"
"Because I say so!"

Maybe not a "sentence" tho [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]