"He has to like her more"

[thatpfunk]

ive been in a super intense relationship when i was younger (early college) in which there was a lot of flux. things would either be super good or super bad. most of the bad times were the result of one of us liking the other/being interested in the relationship a lot more than the other. the end result was we both cheated on each other and things were pretty horrible for both of us.

im now in a pretty serious relationship and ive always assumed that i love her/care a bit more than she does. now, that isn't to say i don't think she doesn't care about me/love me. but she knows if she called me up and wanted me to do a long, pain in the ass favor for her, i would, no questions asked. and i wouldn't be doing it because i felt obligated, or pressured, or id get some awesome sex later or something but because if it makes her happy, i want to do it.

but, the beauty of our relationship is that she doesn't ask me to do these things. she cares enough about me, respects me enough that she doesn't ask too much. then, the little things that i want to do for her are a pleasant surprise.

so i guess i think it works out ok. i always thought being in that position would be crazy/pussywhipped, etc. now i like it.

[Lucky]

it helps.

Just like for one night stand, it helps for guy to be better looking/cooler/ i.e. she 'likes' him more, otherwise they would be friends.

If two people are spending time together while not having sex (basically marriage or longterm deal) woman has upper hand and is gettin best of it. To balance this, she must also better hotter/more desired of two.

[DeezNuts]

[ QUOTE ]
ive been in a super intense relationship when i was younger (early college) in which there was a lot of flux. things would either be super good or super bad. most of the bad times were the result of one of us liking the other/being interested in the relationship a lot more than the other. the end result was we both cheated on each other and things were pretty horrible for both of us.

im now in a pretty serious relationship and ive always assumed that i love her/care a bit more than she does. now, that isn't to say i don't think she doesn't care about me/love me. but she knows if she called me up and wanted me to do a long, pain in the ass favor for her, i would, no questions asked. and i wouldn't be doing it because i felt obligated, or pressured, or id get some awesome sex later or something but because if it makes her happy, i want to do it.

but, the beauty of our relationship is that she doesn't ask me to do these things. she cares enough about me, respects me enough that she doesn't ask too much. then, the little things that i want to do for her are a pleasant surprise.

so i guess i think it works out ok. i always thought being in that position would be crazy/pussywhipped, etc. now i like it.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is closer to what I am talking about. I didn't convey it correctly, which is my fault, but I'm not talking about someone being p-whipped or letting the other "walk all over them" or being clingy.

When there is an inequality, slight to moderate, it should be the guy liking the girl more for the relationship to work in the long run.

DN

[El Diablo]

tpf, Duke:

"ive been in a super intense relationship when i was younger (early college) in which there was a lot of flux. things would either be super good or super bad."

"Yeah I'm going to have to say that the people who both really really love each other to a ridiculous extent are doomed. That sort of emotional involvement leads to a ton of variance in the relationship, and they might find themselves in blowouts that they can't get through."

This describes most of my relationships from high school through about 25. Basically, I sought out all the most intense, drama-filled relationships I could, often with girls who had major problems in their lives.

As I got older, I realized that a lot of what I thought was love was just a love of excitement and started to seek out much more stable relationships. I think stable relationships where both people really care about each other are a lot harder, but when they work, they are great.

[Noo Yawk]

DN,

This is more of an assumption for guys in their 20's whose friends fall in love and spend less time with the gang.

As for guys more likely to cheat, well who do you think guys cheat with? Only single girls?

[fluffpop62]

pfunk (and subsequently dn),

loved your response! (plug for your gf is that she is hot and deserves to be in such a pleasant relationship).

i don't think i would ever exclusively be with someone who i wasn't positive liked me more then i liked them. this isn't to say that such affection couldn't develop into a mutual level of love for each other, but in the beginning there's no way i'd be comfortable unless i knew he was completely smitten.

a) i don't want to be hurt, and if he likes me more and it doesn't work out, then it's not going to be particularly hurtful

b) i do believe that people will naturally stray, but since women are more sentimental & tied into a relationship with children, social stigmas, etc., they're less likely to (or to be caught, depending on your opinion). if the man you're seeing believes he's reached the pinnacle of his dating career, he's going to do all he can to keep you.

c) just like pfunk said, it's having the comfort and security that whomever i'm dating would be willing to do insanely stupid things for me not because i needed them or i asked for them, but because they make me happy (liek buy a new shirt and tie because he's already worn all of his other ties to dances and i don't want the pictures to look the same, or drive long distances to go to a small boutique and find a specific dress i had offhandedly mentioned coveting but hadn't been able to find anywhere).

at the same time, if the relationship is truly unbalanced it obviously won't work. it is creepy when a boy cannot watch a movie because he is too busy staring at you.

[Aloysius]

[ QUOTE ]
it is creepy when a boy cannot watch a movie because he is too busy staring at you.

[/ QUOTE ]

Huh - learn something new every day.

Nice breakdown - I think what you've said explains DN's OP very well.

-Al

[El Diablo]

fluff,

"a) i don't want to be hurt, and if he likes me more and it doesn't work out, then it's not going to be particularly hurtful"

I'm almost the opposite. It often pains me much more to see someone else hurting badly than to be in pain myself. It's pretty much the worst feeling possible for me. I really do think I'd rather be left to deal with my own pain than to know I've caused that kind of pain in someone else.

[fluffpop62]

el d, dearest,

i completely see what you're saying. the thing is, i can trust myself not to get into a situation where i would be dating someone as a means to an end (say a boy getting into a relationship because he wants to have someone to sleep wiht on a regular basis). i won't know what someone else's intentions are until it's too late.

[flair1239]

Women usually have a greater emotional stake in the relationship. I don't think the statement in the OP is necessarily true.

But I will say a guy has to have a major stake in the relationship for it to work long term. Basically you have an 18 month grace period before the endorphine induced sex fog wears off. Then you are just living day to day life.

If at that point a guy has it stuck in his head, that "[censored] I could do better than this any day of the week"... and has the attitude that he is "doing her a favor putting up with her [censored]"... then there will be trouble.

Basically a guy needs to be with a woman near the top of his range; who satisfies his basic needs. I don't just mean sexually although that plays a part. The needs differ for guys. Personally I like feeling appreciated, relevant, and I like to be heard. Along with the sex my present marriage fulfills those needs. I know I have it good and am not going to endanger my relationship on a whim.

Also another factor is men are kind of like dogs. Dogs like having something that other dogs want. Try this experiment.. take a puppy and put two toys in front of it, let it pick one, then start playing with the other one. Chances are the puppy will try to take the toy from you. So like dogs, men need to feel like other men might want "his woman"; that idea that other men want her... make her relative value increase (to the man she is with).

A final thing is your average looking woman has much more sexual options than your average looking guy. So because they have more opportunities for relationships both sexual and otherwise, they are better able to sort out what they really want in a long term relationship. I think this is a reason for the Hot Girl/Ugly Guy phenomena... the girl has found qualities she likes... and the guy has it good and knows it... so know way he is going to [censored] it up.

That's the way I see it... of course I am biased, because I happen to the Ugly guy in a Hot Girl/Ugly guy relationship.