Self Esteem and Insecurities

[evolvedForm]

Wow, that confirms the root to a lot of my own problems. Thanks for the link.

[Colt McCoy]

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op,
Link to an article in New York magazine on praise and insecurity.
I thought it was fascinating.

/ot

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Thanks! That's a very interesting article and might make me rethink some things I've always believed. I've always at least partly attributed my "intelligence" to my own belief I was intelligent due to being told I was by my parents when I was young. I grew up with a lot of kids that didn't believe they were smart, and weren't. I always thought they probably weren't just because they didn't think they were.

I'm fairly successful professionally, but always thought I was something of an underachiever. Maybe this article is why. My sister always worked harder and did much better than I at school. I was talking with my mom just recently and she confided that when we were growing up she always thought I was smarter than my sister. Maybe my sister felt this somehow and it's why she worked harder?

I still think kids have to believe they're smart to be smart. But maybe telling them they are has to be balanced with belief in the value of effort. I probably tell my son at least once a day that "practice makes perfect" and he has even started saying it back to me sometimes.

One thing I see in a lot of adults, though, is that they seem to believe that any and all hard work should be automatically rewarded for some reason. They seem to believe that wages/rewards should somehow automatically be highly correlated to the level of manual effort. They think they should be able to work hard at a low-skill job requiring no thought and make a lot of money. Maybe this problem is the flip side of the coin?

[TxSteve]

wow.

what an amazing article. there was so much about it that rang true for me.

i am definitely no genius; but when i was a kid; i was always the 'smart one'. i had an older sister and she never did as well in school as i did.

at the beginning of first grade; there were meetings with school administrators because my teacher had recommended i skip 1st grade and go right to 2nd.

i couldn't even tell you how many times i've said to myself and out loud "i don't want to do that...i'm just not good at it".

In college, i almost never attended class and almost never did homework or studied...and i think the reason is that i was afraid if i tried and still failed...maybe i wasn't smart.

(i did fail out of college by the way...which i mentally could be ok with because "i never went to class and never studied so it wasn't really that i couldnt' do it" type mentality.

anyway..thanks for posting that.

[BPA234]

I think that you have received some decent esteem building/protection advice in this thread. But, one point I did not see made is that children mimic the behavior of the parents. They model their actions and reactions from cues and signals they receive from their parents.

Children are keenly aware of, and tied into, the parents emotional state and you can, unwittingly, pass on the same fears and phobias to your children.

The most overt example of this modeling effect is probably domestic violence. But, many examples can be found in much subtler expressions. If your child senses your apprehension when a stranger/neighbor approaches you, then the child will very likely learn to react the same way.

I agree with you about the disadvantages that afflict the socially awkward. But, I think that there are good solutions and treatments. Therapy, behavioral modification and conditioning, even toastmasters could help reduce and minimize your suffering and the likelihood that you will pass to your child the challenges associated with your behavioral issues.

[lewd43]

I'm new to this forum and I figure that commenting on a thread such as this should help me through my insecurities.

I feel that a person is made up from the experiences of their life. There is of course the raw material that we are born with, but throughout life our experiences are chipping away at it and shaping us into what we will be.

I know that I'm intelligent and that I'm liked by many people. My childhood was good if not great surrounded by family and friends all the time. I developed my insecurities in High school. I had a girlfriend who repeatedly cheated on me w/o my knowledge and later was brought to confess to it.

From that experience, I've developed relationship issues and a large fear of rejection to the point that I sabotage a relationship before I open myself up to being hurt.

I'm an introvert but I do not have a problem in social scenarios and I can talk with the best of them as long as I feel I have something worth contributing or they have. I do have a problem breaking the ice with people because I'm not sure how I will be perceived. Even this simple faceless post leaves me wanting to "select all" and delete for the simple fact of being apprehensive about never posting on this site and not "knowing" anyone here.

Cliffs: My name is Michael, I'm insecure. I love poker

[Blarg]

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As a father I think you have a huge impact on a girl's self esteem. A lot of the way kids deal with people in life stems from their relationship with their parents when they were young. If they grow up uncomfortable or uncertain about that relationship, it's difficult for them to be secure about other relationships. We've all known girls with "Daddy issues" where they don't feel loved by their father and seek the wrong kind of affection elsewhere, and know it's the last thing we want our daughters to have.

Someone gave me some advice when my daughter was born: "A father should tell his daughter she's beautiful every single day." I'm not a fan of heaping undeserved praise on kids, but I think this goes a long way. Also, physical affection is important, especially for very young kids. Some parents aren't touchy feely with their kids, but I think lots of hugging and snuggling helps them feel comfortable with you and your relationship.

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Good comments, Colt.

I especially like the bit about being physically affectionate with your kids. Lots of people just aren't really that way in their other relationships, and maybe have difficulty understanding what the attraction is or what the big deal is about what they might think of in a kind of negative way as being "touchy-feely."

I think one of the prime things that makes an emotional adult is learning to think about others besides yourself and hopefully even value and respect them and their needs. Being an emotional adult is very important if you're going to be in charge of kids yourself. So learning to not always do what you're comfortable with, but, like an adult, do what's best for the kids, is something worth doing. So don't wait until YOU are in a good mood or feeling particularly over being pissed off at something your kid did to be nice, or place an affectionate hand on your child. In any conflict, YOU are the one who is supposed to be an adult and the better behaved, not them. So show it.

And in regular situations, just a few kind words or hugs for no particular reason can go a surprisingly long way. You never REALLY know when someone needs one. Sometimes they need a little kindness or affection even when they're protesting to the contrary, and will carry your love with them and secretly thank you for it, even if they can't do it right away and even if you never know. Being that Rock of Gibraltar of love for them, and showing it physically and regularly in any way no matter how small, means much more to a kid than grand gestures one day and ignoring them the next.

[Blarg]

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I agree with you to a degree, that stuff helps.

But I don't agree that I have self esteem and confidence issues because my parents didn't hug me enough.

It seems there's just got to be more to it than that.

But, if we agree that self esteem and self confidence are learned and learned at an early age...at what age range do you think it is learned?

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I bet the answer is different for everybody. And that you can unlearn something like that, too. This seems an extremely complicated situation with so many variables in it, that I don't think you can get any kind of a good, quick answer on it.

[Blarg]

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You need to read "Summerhill" by A.S. Neill as soon as possible.

Summerhill is/was a "free school" in England for children. The basic idea is that you should not be punishing, nor rewarding, nor forcing your children to share, nor forcing them to do pretty much anything assuming they will not be in danger. This includes going to school and drinking milk.

Obviously the anti-traditional school part will be a big problem for most of us since most of us are not able to homeschool, and even if we could, children need (?) to socialize. But just employing these parenting principles in your home should be enough to lessen the harm that regular school does.

Note that this has nothing to do with letting your children walk over you. You can tell them not to track mud on the kitchen floor, but they can tell you to stop playing with their toys or to get out of their room, and you have to listen. Equal rights.

Your description of your current social skills makes me think of "children should be seen and not heard". If as a child you were brought up to only speak when spoken to and to keep it short, it should be obvious what effect that would have on you as an adult.

The biggest positive thing about children raised as "Summerhill" kids is that they are supremely confident. They have no insecurities about authority figures and no social awkwardness. Supposedly when they go on job interviews as adults, the interviewers remark that they have never seen such a confident interviewee.

This is an updated version of the book, not the one I read, but I'd imagine it's as good or better:

http://www.amazon.com/Summerhill-School-...6542&sr=8-1

It's possibly the most important book I've read, whether I ever have kids or not.

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I remember a psychologist saying her 8 year old son still wore diapers day and night and regularly pooped them. She said he would decide himself whether that would ever stop being a good idea, and she didn't want to hurt his self esteem by being judgmental about it or applying any kind of pressure. She was very sure that he was much happier and better adapted to his social environment this way, without any "unfair" pressure from her.

I think these things can go too far, and very easily.

I also think they are often a cop-out on the part of parents who don't want to do the sometimes emotionally trying, harder work of being parents, and cover it up with blather about love and freedom and encouraging self-confidence and refusing to terrorize their children with unfair demands.

It's a hell of a lot easier to be the "nice guy" parent and pass it off as enlightenment than to take responsibility for your kids and risk them giving you a sad face or having a cry.

Some of the long-term effects of this sort of thinking and this way of raising kids seem quite a bit less than rosy to me.

[entertainme]

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Therapy, behavioral modification and conditioning, even toastmasters could help reduce and minimize your suffering and the likelihood that you will pass to your child the challenges associated with your behavioral issues.

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I second the idea of Toastmasters, but for TxSteve.

I've been in Toastmasters with guys who must have felt they were literally dying when they had to get up and speak, sweating uncontrollably, etc. I was so impressed by their determination to overcome their fear. It's a great organization.

[entertainme]

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Even this simple faceless post leaves me wanting to "select all" and delete for the simple fact of being apprehensive about never posting on this site and not "knowing" anyone here.

Cliffs: My name is Michael, I'm insecure. I love poker

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Hi Michael,

Welcome to the Lounge. You're among friends and we welcome new posters! Just jump in whereever you have an opinion.

The Poker Mom