Self Esteem and Insecurities

[TxSteve]

" You're already happily married, and you already have people that love you, so who the hell do you need to impress?"

agreed. but its still nice to be liked [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[TxSteve]

sounds like you had a double whammy; absent father and a critical mom.

that would be tough.

[katyseagull]

[ QUOTE ]
sounds like you had a double whammy; absent father and a critical mom.

that would be tough.

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Let me tell you it sucked pretty bad. It's amazing I can pull myself out of bed in the morning and function like a normal adult.

For what its worth, if you worked with me I would probably like you. I like quiet guys who are afraid they are boring people.

[Coffee]

[ QUOTE ]
" You're already happily married, and you already have people that love you, so who the hell do you need to impress?"

agreed. but its still nice to be liked [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

There are six billion people on the planet. If you told me you were a single, homeless drifter with no friends, then I might see the problem. But, the truth of the matter is that you have empirical evidence that you are already liked(a wife, who I'm guessing CHOSE to marry you, most likely over someone else). It is reasonable to assume, then, that more people will like you. So just don't worry about what's going to come out of your mouth so much. Chances are, if you don't think it's boring, it probably isn't...unless you're a tax attorney. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

Ironically, under no circumstances will I heed my own advice when it comes to picking up women.

[rothko]

ensuring that your child feels loved and accepted unconditionally is of the utmost importance. this doesn't just mean telling her you love her and being supportive. you really have to be active in this regard. you must make efforts to spend lots of time with her. most parents love their children, but most fail to truly love their children. this is the best thing you can do to enable your daughter to grow into a stable and healthy woman.

unfortunately, you are mostly powerless over playground love and this is likely to be where she will procure her insecurities from. it's not any certain age that it happens at, but rather certain conditions.

if you're truly there for her when the outside world fails her she'll be okay.

[JuntMonkey]

You need to read "Summerhill" by A.S. Neill as soon as possible.

Summerhill is/was a "free school" in England for children. The basic idea is that you should not be punishing, nor rewarding, nor forcing your children to share, nor forcing them to do pretty much anything assuming they will not be in danger. This includes going to school and drinking milk.

Obviously the anti-traditional school part will be a big problem for most of us since most of us are not able to homeschool, and even if we could, children need (?) to socialize. But just employing these parenting principles in your home should be enough to lessen the harm that regular school does.

Note that this has nothing to do with letting your children walk over you. You can tell them not to track mud on the kitchen floor, but they can tell you to stop playing with their toys or to get out of their room, and you have to listen. Equal rights.

Your description of your current social skills makes me think of "children should be seen and not heard". If as a child you were brought up to only speak when spoken to and to keep it short, it should be obvious what effect that would have on you as an adult.

The biggest positive thing about children raised as "Summerhill" kids is that they are supremely confident. They have no insecurities about authority figures and no social awkwardness. Supposedly when they go on job interviews as adults, the interviewers remark that they have never seen such a confident interviewee.

This is an updated version of the book, not the one I read, but I'd imagine it's as good or better:

http://www.amazon.com/Summerhill-School-...6542&sr=8-1

It's possibly the most important book I've read, whether I ever have kids or not.

[NhlNut]

op,
Link to an article in New York magazine on praise and insecurity.
I thought it was fascinating.

/ot

[katyseagull]

Giving kids the label of “smart” does not prevent them from underperforming. It might actually be causing it.


Whoa. That's kind of startling. Thank you for sharing that. I think there might be something to this. Whenever my mom would tell me that I was smart I felt like a fraud. Even now at my job, when my boss tells me I'm smart, I feel like a fraud. I'm just waiting for everyone to realize it.



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Needleman has learned to say, “I like how you keep trying.” She tries to keep her praise specific, rather than general, so that a child knows exactly what she did to earn the praise (and thus can get more). She will occasionally tell a child, “You’re good at math,” but she’ll never tell a child he’s bad at math.



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I think this is actually excellent advice.

[Wynton]

I haven't read the thread carefully, but here are some of my quick reactions.

First of all, some of this is biological. Some kids are born much more vulnerable to insecurities, and all parents can do is minimize them.

Second, unconditional love is obviously good, but there is no need for unconditional praise. And this does not mean you need to fib or be dishonest by any means.

For example, my son is a pretty bad athlete, the worst kid on his basketball team. He's also one of the smallest. This still leaves plenty of opportunities for praise. I routinely evaluate him according to his own standards. I let him know whether he did better or worse than he usually does. And because he's undersized and overmatched, I can legitimately tell him how proud I am of how he's gutting it out.

Third, nothing builds confidence like success. So I try to focus on encouraging my kids to do what they seem naturally good at. Hopefully, they will find one thing where they really excel.

Fourth, there is also a downside to early success. A kid who has to endure challenges at a young age will often be more comfortable when faced with the inevitable challenges later.

For example, I remember that my law school class included many people (not me) who were top students in college, and were used to getting great grades their whole lives. Some of these people had difficulty with the transition to law school. And when they didn't excel immediately, some were pretty panicked, because they really didn't know how to deal with failure.

Though it would be more comfortable to watch my kids be stars at everything immediately, in the long run I expect they will be better off if they learn how to confront difficult situations, fail and then manage to triumph, even in some limited way.

[Colt McCoy]

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And this does not mean you need to fib or be dishonest by any means.

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This is one that drives me crazy. I see parents fib to their kids all the time. They lie about where or why they're taking the kid someplace. You want a recipe for an insecure kid, give him reason not to trust you. How is he supposed to trust anything or anyone if he can't trust his own parents.

The other one I see parents is sneaking away from their kids. They don't want the kid to cause a scene when they're leaving him, whether it's at home with another parent or at school or with a babysitter or whatever, so they sneak off when he's not looking for a second. Imagine being a three or four year old and constantly worrying that your mom or dad is going to disappear or leave you. It's another sure way to make a kid insecure.