Im at a library and i wrote a poem! (criticism welcome) - Page 2

Georgia Avenue · #11 05-09-2006, 02:36 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Pretend like you care.
I need to feel wanted,
I want to lay it all out
And stand naked and bare.

Tell me Im innocent,
show me white lies,
make me believe
people can repent.

Tell me im interesting.
Pretend you'll miss me
because i can only hide
from this infestation.

Maggots swirling free
telling me im evil
wanting me to stop,
give me permission to be me.

Pretend that you care
because I will believe
since i want to,
and no one else is there.

I rewrote your poem for you:

I confuse disinterest and uninterest,
which is typical.
It wakes me feel wanted and I like to be naked while standing.

I believe in repenting people,
well, repenting lies at least.

Tell me things while I'm naked,
miss me when I hide,
and enjoy the grubby traction of permission to find me.

I like to stand naked and have people tell me things.

[/ QUOTE ]

I rewrote both as a haiku:

Library window--
My reflection in the night--
Maggots swirling free.

bisonbison · #12 05-09-2006, 02:37 PM

I like it

It's not good, but you sound like a college student instead of a high school kid.

spaceman Bryce · #13 05-09-2006, 02:37 PM

Thats cool too.

bisonbison · #14 05-09-2006, 02:38 PM

Library window--
My reflection in the night--
Maggots swirling free.

I think shakespeare once said "Maggots equal terrible poem."

Georgia Avenue · #15 05-09-2006, 02:38 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Thats cool too.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm a professional. [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

spaceman Bryce · #16 05-09-2006, 02:41 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I like it

It's not good, but you sound like a college student instead of a high school kid.

[/ QUOTE ]

No I meant your version of my poem. I think its good. Second, i actually want to write good stuff. And since i dont have a good source for negativebut constructive criticsim yet, maybe i will get good or die trying. I know i have a lot of work to doooooooooooo. I really hate verythinbg ive been doing and want to express it. I NEED to express it. ANd people without any talent whatsoever but lots of angst have a good form of expression: bad poetry.

Georgia Avenue · #17 05-09-2006, 02:48 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Library window--
My reflection in the night--
Maggots swirling free.

I think shakespeare once said "Maggots equal terrible poem."

[/ QUOTE ]
Pfff! Billy never listened to Gwar! is the thing...

Space: If you really want some poem-writing advice: 1. Write about something other than yourself. 2. Read a lot of poetry, especially early english poetry. 3. Buy the this and read it. 4. Study something other than creative writing. 5. Get a job at a bakery.

luck for you,
--GA

Claunchy · #18 05-09-2006, 02:49 PM

SB,

What he's saying is that while his version of the poem is not particularly good, it would at least make you sound like a college kid, whereas yours makes you sound like a high school kid.

BTW, this is true.

OrigamiSensei · #19 05-09-2006, 02:51 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Library window--
My reflection in the night--
Maggots swirling free.

I think shakespeare once said "Maggots equal terrible poem."

[/ QUOTE ]
No, that was Mr. Miyagi.

bisonbison · #20 05-09-2006, 02:59 PM

I used to write poetry, and I was halfway decent at it.

My question for any and all writing intended for someone other than yourself: would this ever make anyone smile? Would it ever please someone? Make them glad they picked up the book, clicked on the link or sat down and listened for 5 minutes?

Imagine that you had an identical twin and were separated at birth. Imagine what he might write living his similar life 2000 miles away. Remove anything from your own writing that would overlap with that.