Childhood crap that just doesn't happen anymore

[bisonbison]

1. Gum in my hair.
I didn't chew a lot of gum as a child, but it seems like if there was gum and there was sleeping, it would end up like glue in the doo, requiring a really rare shower or embarrassing haircut. Now, nothing. Maybe I'm just too fat to move while sleeping nowadays, or I learned to keep my mouth shut, but I took a solid afternoon nap with gum this weekend and I woke up to chew some more.

2. Lying on my stomach on the floor.
A close male relative of mine who we'll just call "my brother" used to lie on the floor reading and sort of slide-rock back and forth in what can only be described as rugging one out. He was probably seven. Nothing hugely unusual about that, except it was like pre-masturbating and that's creepy. Me? None of that, but I watched a lot of tv, played with a lot of legos and did a lot of 3rd grade homework on my stomach or propping my massive head up with my elbows. Now? I am only facedown on the ground for pushups and crappy furniture from ikea. I don't know if it was the onset of constant boners that made this distinctly uncomfortable or if I finally got enough couch privileges when I approached 6' to make the whole thing moot.

3. Dreaming of candy and arcade games.
When I was eight I was convinced we were gonna win the publisher's clearinghouse, something like 10 million dollars. Figuring I'd get my 2m share, my entire plans for the money were to:

A) dig out a large basement beneath my room where we could have an arcade (Gauntlet and Tron plz) and
B) buy a lifetime supply of candy, preferably soft fruit flavored candies pressed into 10'x10' squares that I would gnaw through at my leisure.

I am not kidding. I lay in bed, staring at my MJ & Dr. J poster, thinking "I'm gonna have all the Mamba I want. It's gonna touch the ceiling."

Also, C) remote controlled robot.

4. Running around the block.
This was much more serious than being sent outside, cause my block was big and had hills, and I would have to pass by the houses of girls I went to school with.

"What am I doing? Well, my brother was pulling my hair, and I meant to just punch him in the stomach, but I kinda slapped him in the face and he tried to knee me in the balls so I pushed him up against a wall and my mom heard from the kitchen, and now I'm running a mile and he's playing video games." I LOVE YOU COURTNEY! "Yeah, see you later."

When feeling particularly rebellious, I would run out of sight of my house, then chill, then come back. Way to stick it to the man! In 20 years, you'll break a sweat taking a shower.

5. Gold stars for passing the swim test.
7:30 am. Swim a lap. Tread water for five minutes. No parent needed to come to the pool. BADASS.


Please. Share.

[Anacardo]

2. Lying on my stomach on the floor.

I still do this all the time, sometimes in public, e.g. bookstores.

[bisonbison]

Ooh,

6. Plotting to steal porn
You kids that grew up with the internet honestly have no idea. I used to plot breaking into the pharmacy down the way just to get my hands on Playboy. That's how tired I was of masturbating to the dirty words in the dictionary and the boobs in the medical encyclopedia (hot chick though).

"If I throw a rock through the window, they won't have any fingerprints and I'll be gone before the cops come!"

As it was, a friend narced me for shoplifting a playboy and I ended up having several of the most awkward conversations of my life with my mom and dad, the pharmacist (whose store I had to sweep up behind for two days) and who explained that I was driving inflation, and my fifth grade teacher.

[youtalkfunny]

[ QUOTE ]
Ooh,

6. Plotting to steal porn
You kids that grew up with the internet honestly have no idea. I used to plot breaking into the pharmacy down the way just to get my hands on Playboy. That's how tired I was of masturbating to the dirty words in the dictionary and the boobs in the medical encyclopedia (hot chick though).

[/ QUOTE ]

For me, it was the bra pages in the Sears catalogue.

The only shoplifting I ever did in my life was Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler from the Waldenbooks in the mall when I was a teen. I did it a lot. I hid them under the mattress. More accurately, I had stacks of magazines bulging out from under the mattress.

[solids]

[ QUOTE ]
Ooh,

6. Plotting to steal porn
You kids that grew up with the internet honestly have no idea. I used to plot breaking into the pharmacy down the way just to get my hands on Playboy. That's how tired I was of masturbating to the dirty words in the dictionary and the boobs in the medical encyclopedia (hot chick though).

"If I throw a rock through the window, they won't have any fingerprints and I'll be gone before the cops come!"

As it was, a friend narced me for shoplifting a playboy and I ended up having several of the most awkward conversations of my life with my mom and dad, the pharmacist (whose store I had to sweep up behind for two days) and who explained that I was driving inflation, and my fifth grade teacher.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah, this was a big one for me. I also successfully stole multiple Victoria's Secret mags from my mom.

Making forts: As we all know, making forts used to be one of the coolest things ever. My forts tended to be pretty badass, complete with cubby holes, secret entrances, and a lookout.

Having fun at a party without alcohol/drugs: Man I miss these days. Boy/Girl parties were responsible for several makeout sessions with girls. Also, whatever happened to games such as Seven Minutes in Heaven, Truth of Dare, or Spin the Bottle? Those were the days. Which brings up another one...

Using the baseball system to describe your hookups: Remember when you used to be the pimp of the week at school because you got to "second base" with a cute girl? Nowadays, everything can be described as "I got head", "I banged her", or "[censored] that lesbian".

Finally...

Thinking a girl is beautiful based solely on the size of her chest: Remember when everyone though Natalie was the hottest girl is school, even though she had horrible acne? I do. Them tittays were no joke, though.

[Banks2334]

7. Girls willing to play doctor.

[whale_hunter]

Hanging out with my cousins.

Remember those people?

My cousin Tron (real name) and I were like brothers. My other cousins were also always around.


Now I see my cousins on average once every 3 years...at funerals.

[SoHotRightNow]

[ QUOTE ]
Hanging out with my cousins.

Remember those people?

My cousin Tron (real name) and I were like brothers. My other cousins were also always around.


Now I see my cousins on average once every 3 years...at funerals.

[/ QUOTE ]

If I have five words left and I'm about to [censored]' expire and all I have left to say is to curse [censored]' Tron, I'm probably not going to say, "Tron funkin' blow."

[happyhappyhappy]

Hot wheels, and skidding them out so much that you would get the vertical hole running up the tire after a while.

Then graduating to riding a bike. My neighbor and best friend was older than me by 25 days, which was a big deal, but I got off training wheels first. I still remember being so elated from that, and I remember the look of discern of him and his fathers face as I was cruising by and he was being helped. I don't think I was gloating, I was just so damned excited.

This eventually graduated into riding our new Treks 30 miles away from home in middle school, backpacks loaded for the day, just because we could.




I have been on a bicycle maybe three times in the last eight years or so.

[NT!]

[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] bison

here's one: the scarcity of certain lego pieces. one time i was arranging pirates vs. spacemen for a battle and holding some of the weapons between my teeth. i swallowed a pirate sword.

you better believe i searched my doody for that filthy thing and salvaged it. from then on, the leader always had the rough-looking, half-digested sword. mark of a badass.