Childhood crap that just doesn\'t happen anymore
 

1. Gum in my hair.
I didn't chew a lot of gum as a child, but it seems like if there was gum and there was sleeping, it would end up like glue in the doo, requiring a really rare shower or embarrassing haircut. Now, nothing. Maybe I'm just too fat to move while sleeping nowadays, or I learned to keep my mouth shut, but I took a solid afternoon nap with gum this weekend and I woke up to chew some more.

2. Lying on my stomach on the floor.
A close male relative of mine who we'll just call "my brother" used to lie on the floor reading and sort of slide-rock back and forth in what can only be described as rugging one out. He was probably seven. Nothing hugely unusual about that, except it was like pre-masturbating and that's creepy. Me? None of that, but I watched a lot of tv, played with a lot of legos and did a lot of 3rd grade homework on my stomach or propping my massive head up with my elbows. Now? I am only facedown on the ground for pushups and crappy furniture from ikea. I don't know if it was the onset of constant boners that made this distinctly uncomfortable or if I finally got enough couch privileges when I approached 6' to make the whole thing moot.

3. Dreaming of candy and arcade games.
When I was eight I was convinced we were gonna win the publisher's clearinghouse, something like 10 million dollars. Figuring I'd get my 2m share, my entire plans for the money were to:

A) dig out a large basement beneath my room where we could have an arcade (Gauntlet and Tron plz) and
B) buy a lifetime supply of candy, preferably soft fruit flavored candies pressed into 10'x10' squares that I would gnaw through at my leisure.

I am not kidding. I lay in bed, staring at my MJ & Dr. J poster, thinking "I'm gonna have all the Mamba I want. It's gonna touch the ceiling."

Also, C) remote controlled robot.

4. Running around the block.
This was much more serious than being sent outside, cause my block was big and had hills, and I would have to pass by the houses of girls I went to school with.

"What am I doing? Well, my brother was pulling my hair, and I meant to just punch him in the stomach, but I kinda slapped him in the face and he tried to knee me in the balls so I pushed him up against a wall and my mom heard from the kitchen, and now I'm running a mile and he's playing video games." I LOVE YOU COURTNEY! "Yeah, see you later."

When feeling particularly rebellious, I would run out of sight of my house, then chill, then come back. Way to stick it to the man! In 20 years, you'll break a sweat taking a shower.

5. Gold stars for passing the swim test.
7:30 am. Swim a lap. Tread water for five minutes. No parent needed to come to the pool. BADASS.


Please. Share.

Re: Childhood crap that just doesn\'t happen anymore
 

2. Lying on my stomach on the floor.

I still do this all the time, sometimes in public, e.g. bookstores.

Re: Childhood crap that just doesn\'t happen anymore
 

Ooh,

6. Plotting to steal porn
You kids that grew up with the internet honestly have no idea. I used to plot breaking into the pharmacy down the way just to get my hands on Playboy. That's how tired I was of masturbating to the dirty words in the dictionary and the boobs in the medical encyclopedia (hot chick though).

"If I throw a rock through the window, they won't have any fingerprints and I'll be gone before the cops come!"

As it was, a friend narced me for shoplifting a playboy and I ended up having several of the most awkward conversations of my life with my mom and dad, the pharmacist (whose store I had to sweep up behind for two days) and who explained that I was driving inflation, and my fifth grade teacher.

Re: Childhood crap that just doesn\'t happen anymore
 

7. Girls willing to play doctor.

Re: Childhood crap that just doesn\'t happen anymore
 

Hanging out with my cousins.

Remember those people?

My cousin Tron (real name) and I were like brothers. My other cousins were also always around.


Now I see my cousins on average once every 3 years...at funerals.

Re: Childhood crap that just doesn\'t happen anymore
 

[ QUOTE ]
7. Girls willing to play doctor.

[/ QUOTE ]

So you could be the nurse, presumably?

Re: Childhood crap that just doesn\'t happen anymore
 

Being in the hot sun all day with no side effects.

We would spend all summer outside in the pool - it was always hot in summer - 35-40 degrees Celcius. No hat, no sun screen, no constant bottles of water. Also no sunburn, no side effects. 1 hour in the sun now and I am baked, red and whinging.

Re: Childhood crap that just doesn\'t happen anymore
 

-Waking up early on a Saturday.

-Being forced to eat at meals.

-Running everywhere because I just had so damned much energy.

-Getting spanked by a man much bigger, stronger, and hairier than myself....wait, that one still happens on the weekends.

Re: Childhood crap that just doesn\'t happen anymore
 

[ QUOTE ]
Ooh,

6. Plotting to steal porn
You kids that grew up with the internet honestly have no idea. I used to plot breaking into the pharmacy down the way just to get my hands on Playboy. That's how tired I was of masturbating to the dirty words in the dictionary and the boobs in the medical encyclopedia (hot chick though).

[/ QUOTE ]

For me, it was the bra pages in the Sears catalogue.

The only shoplifting I ever did in my life was Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler from the Waldenbooks in the mall when I was a teen. I did it a lot. I hid them under the mattress. More accurately, I had stacks of magazines bulging out from under the mattress.

Re: Childhood crap that just doesn\'t happen anymore
 

[ QUOTE ]
Hanging out with my cousins.

Remember those people?

My cousin Tron (real name) and I were like brothers. My other cousins were also always around.


Now I see my cousins on average once every 3 years...at funerals.

[/ QUOTE ]

If I have five words left and I'm about to [censored]' expire and all I have left to say is to curse [censored]' Tron, I'm probably not going to say, "Tron funkin' blow."