Roommate/girlfriend issues: ADVICE NEEDED!

[mwa]

Haven't read all the replies so sorry if I'm repeating stuff. I have encountered this situation a couple of times from both the position of 'guy with girlfriend staying' and also housemate.
The big thing here is communication. Your girlfriend sounds kinda shy and by the way you descibe her, just keeps herself quietly occupied in your room most of the time. In fact, it kinda sounds like she just stayed for a couple of nights and now a month later(or however long it has been) she is still there and is thinking that nobody has noticed that she is in fact living there.
Many people find this very disrepectful because a.) They were not consulted as to whether or not they were happy for this peson to move in and b.) There has been no discussion of $$$ for the new housemate. Just because she is your girlfriend does not mean she has special status. If she is living there she needs to assume that she will pay an equal amount of whatever the utilities and rent are unless you guys sit down and arrange an alternative. If you don't discuss the situation with your housemates there will almost always be resentment from the housemates towards both you and your girlfriend.

Ask Steve to replace the bottle of Rum. This should be a non-issue but it has escalated because of the resentment he feels toward you and your girlfriend due to the aforementioned reasons...

[jb.jones]

To the topic starter: can you answer my questions? What did you think of my points?

[OneTwoThreeROBOT]

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Hmmm, I'm not sure who is right or wrong here, however I'd like to point out a flaw in Steve's logic:

Steve is claiming that he and his friends were entitled to drink your girlfriend's rum because she was using the shared space, and that all things were being shared. Let's assume that he is correct for arguments sake. However this isn't exactly what happened, you mentioned that Steve AND HIS FRIENDS drank the rum:
1) Steve's friends do not have any rights to your girlfriends rum because your girlfriend isn't using the friends' space, just Steve's.
2) The fact that Steve had friends over using your space during that instance in time would negate any entitlements that Steve would have towards your girlfriends rum (since your girlfriend taking up space would justify allowing Steve to have friends over, access to rum is additional). This brings up another point, how many of Steve's friends were over, five? six? does this mean that Steve and his friends is taking up 5 times of the amount of space as your girlfriend.

Basically, you have to explain to treat the two things as separate issues. In Steve's defense though, I'd ask you, what if Steve doesn't enjoy your girlfriend being present, finds her grating, annoying, etc. What if he has to be inconvenienced and wait sometimes for bathroom access. Why should he be inconvenienced without receiving any benefit. If you are getting the benefit of your girlfriend's company, why should it be at his cost (the things I've just listed). He shouldn't be expected or forced to enjoy your girlfriend's company, not at least while his current financial arrangement would be identical to not having her over.

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You make some good points. Your "taking up space" point doesn't work here because Steve's friends are over pretty seldom, while Betsy is over all the time.

In either case, I don't think it matters. There were never any pre-established rules for how long guests can stay, and under what conditions (this is probably the core of the problem right here).

Food is another story. You're supposed to ask before you take someone's food or booze.

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One main question I have is does Steve eat/drink your food and drink, and do you do eat/drink his stuff? If this is the arrangement, then he would probably be able to drink your girfriend's stuff. If you don't eat his stuff and he doesn't eat yours, then there would be no reason for Steve to expect this would be different than with your girlfriend.

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I don't eat his stuff, but he occasionally eats mine or Betsy's. I don't think he would be that bothered if I ate some of his stuff, as most of it is taken from the dining halls for free (I buy most of my food from the grocery store).

[five4suited]

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I didn't know that she had spent every night for the past couple months there at your apt. That's a roomate. It does give Steve a leg to stand on but that doesn't entitle him to her property. He's just being defensive and trying to cover up.

Pick one:
1) spend more time at her place (unless it's a dorm)
2) pay more rent

I've been in a lot of roomate situations and this comes up over and over. You might not think you should have to pay more rent because the two of you only occupy one room; everyone else involved in the apt will disagree (as do I). It's not just the bedrooms that get used in a shared apt, it's the TV room, the bathroom(s), the kitchen.

In a case like this, I don't think you should have to shoulder half of the rent but 35-40% might be a "fair" arbitrary number.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm the leaseholder of a 4BR house and everything this poster said is pretty much spot on. Unless you live in a palace, trust me, your roommates notice that your girlfriend is living there. When arrangements were made among you three to live together, it was just the three of you. You are imposing on them by not starting a conversation about your girlfriend having moved in.

Steve is full of [censored], but you already knew that. You shouldn't pay half the rent, but you should definitely pay more than a third. When I interview prospective tenants, I ask and they volunteer if they're a couple. That didn't happen in this case, so...

PS Beat Steve up, while he's sleeping... full metal jacket style. Hit him with the bottle and then pour it on him. Light a match and laugh maniacally. You won't have any more problems.

[TomBrooks]

Establish that you don't want to share your food or drink, and you will of course, not partake of anyone elses food or drink. Period. End of story.

If your gf has moved in with you or spends a lot of nights there, it would seem fair to discuss with your roommates if they feel it is an imposition or they have an problem with it. Having a guest over now and then is one thing. Having someone stay with you repeatedly over a long term is probably an imposition to some degree on your roommates.

[RydenStoompala]

Get your girlfriend to walk around naked once-in-a-while. See if your roomate doesn't get a lot more cooperative. If that doesn't work, try lighting his bed on fire.

[Dan BRIGHT]

are you or are you not paying him for the handjobs?

[OneTwoThreeROBOT]

My roommates, girlfriend, and I talked about 2 hours ago.

I started by apologizing to Steve for the way I approached him about the rum. There was a long pause, where nobody knew what to say after that, and then Steve started.

Basically, this was the summary of what he said:

Betsy and I had been inconsiderate about her staying here for so long, considering her guest status. He said that she was living here without paying, using space and utilities, bathroom, etc. We were also too loud at night on school nights. He said these problems had been going on for a long time.

I told him that most of this was news to me. Neither Betsy nor I had any idea that her presence was so disruptive. I told them that she was moving in to the dorms this weekend, and then we'd divide up our time between the two places.

To this, Steve said he thought Betsy should only spend the nights on weekends here from now on, and for the rest of the current week she should stay at her own apartment.

I thought this was a little extreme, so I asked for one night a week with Betsy in my apartment. At this point Steve deferred to Jennifer. Jennifer, as I said before, was a wildcard going into this. Until tonight, I had no idea where she stood. Apparently she was very much on Steve's side. She doesn't like confrontation though, and when the pressure was on her to decide whether one day a week was acceptable to her, she avoided answering directly. Finally, I broke in and said "Because of all the time Betsy has spent here recently, and in the interest of moving the talk along, forget the one day a week. We'll just do weekends."

I could tell that Jennifer and Steve had been doing some talking about this, perhaps for a very long time in advance. I thrown off guard by the accusation of being inconsiderate. I told them that they should have said something sooner. It's not my job to read your mind. Steve seemed to think that the kinds of things we were doing wrong should have been evident to us without anyone saying anything. This made me angry.

I brought up the whole food/booze situation. I told him that from now on, I'd like to keep my things seperate from his and Jennifers. If they want some of it, they can chip in, or get their own (not a problem with Jennifer, she's been handling it this way anyway). Steve, however, asked me to consider what that meant. He cited a few nights ago when I helped myself to one of Jennifer's beers, and some of his girlfriend's wine. I told him that Jennifer and I had made a deal (without him) about certain booze we'd share. Also, I pointed out that his girlfriend offered me the wine, so the situation was entirely different. He didn't like the idea of setting such "strict financial lines," but I remained firm that it would be the best way to avoid future conflict.

Anyway, that's the short version. There are a few more details I might post later. The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. I feel upset that no one talked to me sooner. I didn't like that Jennifer and Steve had formed a "secret alliance," and had been discussing their problems with me for who knows how long. What upset me the most, I think, was the vibe I was getting from Steve. I felt that he was angry at me. I understood why he was, but I felt he had no right to be. I didn't try to be inconsiderate; how could I have known?

I really like Jennifer, and I know she can be weird about these sorts of things. I predict our relationship will return to normal after a while. I'm not so sure my relationship with Steve will.

So that's it. I'm glad I had a chance to write that all down, and I hope someone reads it. Tell me your thoughts on how I did, and how things worked out.

[JKratzer]

Did your roommates sign up to live with your gf? It is reasonable for them to say they don't want her there all the time. Even if she's not in "their" space or using "their" [censored], it's still another person in the apt all the time.

[smoore]

I read it.

Steve sounds like a classic passive-agressive prick, too bad no psychologists post here anymore (to my knowledge... please come back Dr. Al). I personally detest this behavior and would rid myself of him ASAP.

Poor Jennifer, sounds like she just doesn't like confrontation and got dragged into this mess. She probably would have been fine about the whole deal had it not been for Steve. Talk to her privately and openly. Let her know that anything she says won't be repeated to Steve. Tell her you honestly didn't know she was bothered. Even if she denies being troubled, treat her as if you have slighted her.

You caved too quickly about just weekends. Renegotiate for half-time. You aren't liable for bad feelings prior to you being informed about the tension. Even if you KNEW it was making them uncomfortable they still have an obligation as human beings to stand up for themselves. Once you are out of the apartment 1/2 the "co" time with Betsy your roomates get a deal... the're getting 6:5 on thier money, for chrissake.

So from the booze fight, it seems Steve drank the rum in retaliation. This supports my theory of passive-agression but I may just be reading this part into the whole situation.

Don't expect this roomate situation to return to the way it was. It won't. I suggest simply hanging on as well as you can until the end of the lease and then terminate the arrangement. You'll know better next time. I get the feeling you are like me in at least one respect... you don't intuitively know that someone is bothered by your actions, you need them to tell you. Not everyone (especially roomates) are going to tell you this. For some reason most people expect me to be a mind reader, I have no idea why.

Oh, and do your damn dishes [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img] This is HUGE in a roomate situation unless everyone is equally slovenly.