How do I cope with losing a parent?

[HubertCumberdale]

Cross-posted from OOT:

I lost my dad almost 10 years ago, when I was 15. He was hit by a drunk driver when he was only in his mid-thirties. I cried for months afterward, but then my depression turned to anger when my mom re-married my now-step dad. I have thought about going to a shrink and getting back on antidepressants, but I hate how they make me gain weight. I just finished taking off the 40 pounds that they made me gain and I am not interested in repeating that.

I don't know how other people can cope so much more easily with the loss of a parent than I can. I mean it's been 10 years.

I guess this could have been posted in psychology but I thought it would be okay here as well

TIA for any suggestions

Hubert

[recondite7]

I don't know if I have any real advice for you but my situation is similar. My dad took his own life the summer before my senior year of high school and my mom has recently remarried. I think her new husband is a loser but he's nice enough I guess. My dad has been gone for four years now and my life is very normal now, but I do think about it a lot. Basically try to find someone to talk to about this so you can cope with this. This will be with you for the rest of your life, but it shouldn't depress you and prevent you from enjoying whatever lies ahead in your future.

[HubertCumberdale]

very sorry to hear that- i would think that a suicide would be much harder to deal with than an accidental death. im sorry for your loss and i hope you get through it

hubert

[hoyasnaxa]

First, that is very sad and I am sorry for what your family has gone through. I hope you are able to become more comfortable soon. I have some thoughts too. What do you think your father would want you to do? Are you doing what he would have wanted, in how you are dealing with his loss? Why did you get angry that your mom remarried? Is it because she was willing to move on to another man, and was not thinking about your father like you were?

Also, there are anti-depressants which will not have the averse side effect of weight gain, tell a doctor your problem, and that you do not want to put on weight.

A good friend of mine lost his father to Lou Gehrig's disease, and he told me that you will always think about and remember your deceased parent, but he simply became closer with his mother and siblings. Talking to your mother about it may really help, even this long after, and I imagine she would appreciate it also.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

[raisins]

Eugene Gendlin did a study some years ago with many people facing different issues and who received different therapeutic treatments. Some got better, some didn't. He claims the common variable is that those who improved felt a somatic shift in their bodies response to the issue. Knowing how to be open to this shift occurring is a learnable skill. He calls it focusing. Check it out here. There's a lot of free information and if this makes sense to you his book is small and cheap but all the instructions are available for free on the web page. I think anti-depressants are best avoided. I am not a doctor and don't know all that much about the issue but I find the claims of over prescription persuasive. See if you can live with this issue and pass through the worst of the emotional strife without resorting to an indeterminate period of taking medicine.

best wishes,

raisins

[MoreWineII]

Hi Humbert. I don't have any credentials so I should say that up front, but my mom died last year and let's just say I had a lot of unresolved issues with her that will never be satisfied so I think I have some sort of an idea what you're going though. She was an alcoholic and I probably knew somewhere in the back of my mind that it would end this way, but it was still a shock. She was 57. My second child, my daughter, was born about two months later. It was a pretty [censored] up time.

I think what it really all comes down to is acceptance that the person is gone, that there are usually regrets and lingering questions that will never be answered, but that dwelling on it is a waste of time. I think death means different things to different people. For me, it's made me see the world in a whole different way. It just shifted my priorities in a totally different direction.

I don't talk about it too much, mostly because there aren't that many people my age (28) who have lost a parent, especially with circumstances anywhere close to mine. Also I'm a pretty private person by nature, which is why I appreciate the anonimity of the internet.

Recently I started keeping a journal and in it, I'm totally honest with myself. I write whatever comes to mind, no matter how retarded. I've found that I'm writing about issues I never even knew I had.

That said, I still find myself getting really emotional at random times. Maybe it's a song that triggers a memory that triggers whatever. Or a certain landmark. I realize I've got a long way to go, but losing a parent [censored] with your head - especially under difficult circumstances. It's nothing to be ashamed about.

I do think though, that since you're talking about still having these issues ten years later, that you should talk to someone.

Good luck, I hope you find some peace. If it helps you feel any better, you're not the only one out there who is having difficulty coping with a parent's death.

[HubertCumberdale]

[ QUOTE ]
First, that is very sad and I am sorry for what your family has gone through. I hope you are able to become more comfortable soon. I have some thoughts too. What do you think your father would want you to do? Are you doing what he would have wanted, in how you are dealing with his loss? Why did you get angry that your mom remarried? Is it because she was willing to move on to another man, and was not thinking about your father like you were?

Also, there are anti-depressants which will not have the averse side effect of weight gain, tell a doctor your problem, and that you do not want to put on weight.

A good friend of mine lost his father to Lou Gehrig's disease, and he told me that you will always think about and remember your deceased parent, but he simply became closer with his mother and siblings. Talking to your mother about it may really help, even this long after, and I imagine she would appreciate it also.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah I think he would want me to always think of him so in that respect I am honoring his memory.

I was mad at my mom because she started dating my step-dad 1 month after my dad died. I think that's just a wee bit too soon to start dating again, and I don't think she was really that sad that my dad died.

Thanks for the advice. I will talk to my doc about an antidepressant that doesn't have the weight gain side effect.

[Weatherhead03]

[ QUOTE ]
I think death means different things to different people. For me, it's made me see the world in a whole different way. It just shifted my priorities in a totally different direction.

[/ QUOTE ]
In what way did it change your priorities? Was it a good way or a bad way? I am in a similar situation to you and I totally agree that it changes how you see the world. I just think that it might have made me change my priorities to the worse.

[MoreWineII]

I've had a really weird journey and there's other stuff involved that I haven't mentioned here, but I think I've really started to understand myself, why I feel the way I do, and how I fit into this world. I've come to realize the good things in life are important and the bad things are not. Good things to me are simple things. Like family, friends, a good song, your dog greeting you when you get home from work, a beautiful sunset, etc. Sorry to be so drippily sappy, but it's true. I think I feel more and appreciate more if that makes any sense.

All this pain has also taken me down some darker paths too which is maybe what you're referring to, but hard drugs and beyond don't hold any interest for me + I have too much to lose now. And I don't think I've ever been messed up enough mentally to seriously consider suicide although I've done a lot of reading about it - for all intents and purposes I consider my mom to have committed suicide - just a slow form of it.

[Bill C]

I'm sorry to hear about your grief. My suggestion is that after this length of time (~10 yrs) you need some help in resolving your feelings. A counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist would be a good idea, as they are trained to understand what you are telling them, and may help you to put it in a healthier perspective, and allow you to lead a happier and more fulfilling life.

You don't have to take any medicine you don't want to take, and I am pretty sure a lot of the medicines now in use are free of those kinds of effects.

I hope things get better for you, and from the tone of the replies here, I think everybody who has responded feels that way too.

bill c