Hows My College Appilcation Essay

[hustler4life]

If anyone is willing read it and give me some feedback I'd be very appreciative. This is the personal essay for the common application. The prompt is "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." I've already had my parent's and college couselor look at it, but woudld also like the opinion of someone I don't know who doesn't have a reason not the be brutily honest.

Here it is

The thermometer atop the course read a bitter 17 degrees Fahrenheit. The biting 20 miles per hour wind pierced my skin tight downhill suit effortlessly, chilling me straight to the bone. The falling snow was so thick that I could barely see the race officials in their bright orange jackets 10 feet away from me. The inclement weather, however, was the last the last thing on my mind. I was completely focused on the task at hand; earn the final spot on varsity and thus qualify for the State Championship Ski Race. The top 5 racers on my team were all returning varsity athletes, but the 6th and final spot on the varsity squad had been fiercely contested the entire season between another racer on the team and me. After 4 months of intense competition my team’s final qualifier for the State Meet would be decided by the last run of the season!
After what seemed like an eternity of waiting at the top of the course I was finally called forward by a race official. After some quick last minute strategy discussion with one of my coaches I stepped into my skis and nervously skated over towards the starting gate. After I checked in, the race official at the starting gate confirmed that the rest of the course was clear, and then finally began the dreaded countdown sequence. “Racer Ready?” bellowed the man standing next me. I gave a slight nod indicating that I was all set; despite my nerves telling me that I was anything but. “In 5…4…3”, counted down the man in the bright orange jacket. My heart began to race as the start of my run loomed ever closer. “2...1” finished the starting gate keeper. With all the power that my adrenaline filled body could provide, I exploded out of the gate and was off.

As I skied down the run, visibility was so limited that I almost couldn’t see the next gate until I was right on top of it. I had to rely on my inspection of the course nearly three hours earlier to guide me. Yet despite my inability to clearly see the ground in front of me, I felt as though I was skiing as well as I ever had. Every turn I made was carved to perfection delivering me just under the gate. Every tuck dropped me low, cutting through the wind. I proceeded down the mountain in this manner for nearly a minute until it happened.

As I rounded the final major curve of the course I could at last see the finish line and with it, the gallery of spectators. After passing through the final gate the only obstacle between me and my spot on the varsity squad was a few hundred feet of comparatively flat terrain. As the finish line drew closer, I got as low as my exhausted legs would allow me. It was at that moment when I felt my ski jerk my right leg violently up the hill. Almost instantly, my boot involuntarily ejected from the ski, and I began tumbling down the hill with all of the built up momentum from my run. From someone else’s perspective the crash might have seemed comical comical, but my perspective, lying face down sprawled out on the hill with my right ski residing a full 15 meters up the course, I was anything but amused. After dismounting my left ski I ran back up the course, remounted my skis, and finished my run. After crossing the finish line I turned around to see my time, and not surprisingly I failed to beat the teammate with whom I’d been competing the whole season. My embarrassment turned to anger, and then finally complete dejection. After absorbing the magnitude of my defeat, there were a couple of ways in which I could have conducted myself. I could have stormed around the lodge bemoaning my misfortune to anyone that would listen, or I could have accepted defeat graciously and wished my team mate good luck in the upcoming State Championship Race.

In that ski race and in other aspects of my life I have consistently chosen the later of the two options. After a major setback or disappointment in life remaining upset or blaming someone else accomplishes nothing. That fall last February, instead of discouraging me, actually inspired me to improve my skiing. Since the conclusion of last year’s season I have trained as much as possible, attended a summer racing camp at Mt Hood and have improved my level of fitness tremendously. I believe we learn from both our successes and failures. Although, I never like to lose, I know that life will have its ups downs. Short term setbacks, although never enjoyable, do not cause me to lose sight of my long term goals. Rather, they motivate me to better prepare for the future. As Freidrich Nietzsche once eloquently stated, “That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”. In skiing and in many other aspects of life, success comes from perseverance and the ability to overcome adversity.

[btmagnetw]

1. written too much like a story. the last paragraph, the part where you took in a life lesson, should be longer, and the description of the race shorter. after all, thats the point of the essay.

2. i'd stray away from cliches like "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger"

3. typo? "I know that life will have its ups downs."

4. starting with...
"After 4 months of intense competition my team’s final qualifier for the State Meet would be decided by the last run of the season!"

i think you use 3 sentences in a row that start with "after...". i think you need a comma after each phrase. but also vary them up more.

not too sure an exclamation point is necessary at the end of that sentence either.

5. "Although, I never like to lose..." no comma

[hustler4life]

Thanks for the feedback.

[Ganjasaurus Rex]

1. You seem to try to hard to write "descriptive" stuff. It's almost like you're turning in a creative writing assignment.

2. Agree that there are too many cliches.

3. More paragraphs (shorter ones).

4. What is college going to do to make you a better person? Why do you want to go?

[tshort]

College application essay. You have about 90% creative story telling and 10% analysis. The example of finishing 2nd best in the ski race is good, but could be supported. Use this as a main example and interesting story line, but mirror it with other examples where you've succeeded using similar hard work and preparation. It's much better to have a story of failure tied in with how those traits have led to success in other ventures. This eventually is used to explain how you believe you'll succeed in college and life.

I also believe any college application essay should try to convey leadership capabilities (scholarships).

[hustler4life]

What else besides the Nietzsche saying what you guys consider cliche. Also I agree that I should cut out part of the description and focus more on the alaysis, but is there any praticular portion where I gave too much detail?

[tshort]

[ QUOTE ]
What else besides the Nietzsche saying what you guys consider cliche. Also I agree that I should cut out part of the description and focus more on the alaysis, but is there any praticular portion where I gave too much detail?

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes. You have written a story:

[ QUOTE ]
The thermometer atop the course read a bitter 17 degrees Fahrenheit. The biting 20 miles per hour wind pierced my skin tight downhill suit effortlessly, chilling me straight to the bone. The falling snow was so thick that I could barely see the race officials in their bright orange jackets 10 feet away from me. The inclement weather, however, was the last the last thing on my mind. I was completely focused on the task at hand; earn the final spot on varsity and thus qualify for the State Championship Ski Race. The top 5 racers on my team were all returning varsity athletes, but the 6th and final spot on the varsity squad had been fiercely contested the entire season between another racer on the team and me. After 4 months of intense competition my team’s final qualifier for the State Meet would be decided by the last run of the season!
After what seemed like an eternity of waiting at the top of the course I was finally called forward by a race official. After some quick last minute strategy discussion with one of my coaches I stepped into my skis and nervously skated over towards the starting gate. After I checked in, the race official at the starting gate confirmed that the rest of the course was clear, and then finally began the dreaded countdown sequence. “Racer Ready?” bellowed the man standing next me. I gave a slight nod indicating that I was all set; despite my nerves telling me that I was anything but. “In 5…4…3”, counted down the man in the bright orange jacket. My heart began to race as the start of my run loomed ever closer. “2...1” finished the starting gate keeper. With all the power that my adrenaline filled body could provide, I exploded out of the gate and was off.

As I skied down the run, visibility was so limited that I almost couldn’t see the next gate until I was right on top of it. I had to rely on my inspection of the course nearly three hours earlier to guide me. Yet despite my inability to clearly see the ground in front of me, I felt as though I was skiing as well as I ever had. Every turn I made was carved to perfection delivering me just under the gate. Every tuck dropped me low, cutting through the wind. I proceeded down the mountain in this manner for nearly a minute until it happened.

As I rounded the final major curve of the course I could at last see the finish line and with it, the gallery of spectators. After passing through the final gate the only obstacle between me and my spot on the varsity squad was a few hundred feet of comparatively flat terrain. As the finish line drew closer, I got as low as my exhausted legs would allow me. It was at that moment when I felt my ski jerk my right leg violently up the hill. Almost instantly, my boot involuntarily ejected from the ski, and I began tumbling down the hill with all of the built up momentum from my run. From someone else’s perspective the crash might have seemed comical comical, but my perspective, lying face down sprawled out on the hill with my right ski residing a full 15 meters up the course, I was anything but amused. After dismounting my left ski I ran back up the course, remounted my skis, and finished my run. After crossing the finish line I turned around to see my time, and not surprisingly I failed to beat the teammate with whom I’d been competing the whole season. My embarrassment turned to anger, and then finally complete dejection.

[/ QUOTE ]

Narration is fine in an essay as so long as it supports a claim you are making. I assume you are limited to about a page, so spending three paragraphs telling a story allows you no room to "sell yourself" in this essay.

[steggy]

later to latter. needs work

teammate is one word