The End of the Affair

[Aloysius]

Oh, as an aside, if it's not very obvious, need to qualify my above posts with 1) of course ultimately based wholly on my experience, don't really have enough insight into what my friends have gone through to speak to their experiences; 2) I like to think I have a more "mature" outlook on relationships, but this is (despite my "experience") an area I will always view as very nebulous and highly contextual.

-Al

[keikiwai]

One thing I've always had a hard time adjusting to after a break up is photos specifically, and memories in general.

I take a lot of pictures, and naturally my x is in a lot of them. My screen saver is a slide show of my photos. So after breaking up, when my screen saver came on, I always ended up seeing her face in random photos where she's usually smiling and we were happy. At first I was going to delete all the photos, but I decided that would be retarded. I mean our break up doesn't change the things that happened in the past. We were genuinely happy in the past, and there's nothing wrong with that.

It's hard not to feel bitter when you think of happy times gone by, if you are currently sad. I think being able to recall happy events w/ an x, and see the memories for what they were, and not for how the memory now affects you is an important skill.

Now when I see the photos of my x, I sometimes think about how happy we were when the photos were taken, and I can do it w/o immediately wanting to punch her in the face because we're not together anymore. I can also look at the photos w/o wanting to get back together w/ her. I can appreciate what we had w/o feeling bitter for its loss, and I think this is a very important skill unless you want to grow jaded and bitter.

[Baloosh]

[ QUOTE ]

I've been with my wife for almost 20 years. Met at 18, married at 20, 2 kids, house, dog, cat etc. Been thru a ton of stuff together. Starting and failing a business, putting her thru school, having to move in with my mom (talk about embarrasing), money, jobs, crazy sex, perfect honesty, losing our perfect honesty, resentment, breast cancer scares, operations, broken bones, broken hearts, just being broke, kids getting hurt, kid with a cancer scare, losing my job, therapy, meds, goals, failed goals, met goals, a certain future. Now an unknown future.

I never had a girlfriend more than a month or so until I met her. I have no ex, I have no other frame of reference. Now, it might be over, and it will be all my decision if it is. We took our rings off 2 months ago, we put them back on a month ago.

She is in full support ( and in great anguish) of whatever I 'need to do'. Why am I convinced any decision I make will be the wrong one?


sorry, i got nothin'

[/ QUOTE ]

Wow. You guys have been through a lot. The only thing in your story I have issue with is this:

[ QUOTE ]

She is in full support ( and in great anguish) of whatever I 'need to do'. Why am I convinced any decision I make will be the wrong one?

[/ QUOTE ]

I believe that you already know, in your heart of hearts, what your decision is. Deep down, you know the answer. The only "wrong" decision is whenever you convince yourself of the opposite.

...whatever that may be. Good luck to you, whatever you choose.

[hoppscot22]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
we were talking about what the most important thing in life is... she said "communication."

[/ QUOTE ]

this is very true, but very few seem to know exactly what it means. i know i didn't.

[/ QUOTE ]

you didnt but you do now? elaborate, teach me the ways of expert communication.

[supafrey]

I was on/off with my gf for 2 years of highschool (no banging other guys while we were off, though) and have been completely "on" for another 3 years on top of that since. I'm now in my 4th year of college and have a gf that I simply wouldn't know how to break up with.

Seriously. I think my next longest gf before this was like a couple weeks, tops. I wouldn't know where to start with a breakup even if I wanted - our previous ones were hardly that serious (it was high school, afterall) and I'm totally in the dark should I ever want to do it maturely.

[SlowHabit]

[ QUOTE ]
I was on/off with my gf for 2 years of highschool (no banging other guys while we were off, though) and have been completely "on" for another 3 years on top of that since. I'm now in my 4th year of college and have a gf that I simply wouldn't know how to break up with.

Seriously. I think my next longest gf before this was like a couple weeks, tops. I wouldn't know where to start with a breakup even if I wanted - our previous ones were hardly that serious (it was high school, afterall) and I'm totally in the dark should I ever want to do it maturely.

[/ QUOTE ]
Congrats on your relationship. It's definitely feels great finding the one you love.

I like to point out one thing though. Unless she's a virgin when you get together with her again, it's foolish to believe that she didn't bang other guys in those two years. I'm not saying that she did, but to believe it 100% is [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[Kharnage]

[ QUOTE ]
they realized that they weren't all that in love, it was just easy and comfortable to stay together.

[/ QUOTE ]
"After that it got pretty late, and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I... I realized what a terrific person she was, and... and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I... I, I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs."