Friend that's a girl expects me to pay for drinks, awkwardness ensues.

[J.A.K.]

Blarg,

You are suggesting that if I hold the door for a girl...her interpreting it as my wanting to sleep with her should carry the same validity that I was simply being polite. In FACT I am being polite...it takes something else-not truth or fact-to make it otherwise.

I think it's great that you apply nth level thinking to level 1 circumstances. You are the only one that doesn't find the above mentioned girl's reaction inappropriate.

I am only defensive when it comes to others telling me what my actions mean when in fact they're not even close. At least now I have an understanding that offering to pay for dinner can be construed as >>friendly.

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
I am also in a different financial position than I have been recently. I am on my own, and work two jobs to pay my bills. About a month ago, my dog woke up and couldn't stand up. After many tests and trips to the vet, it was determined she needed spinal cord surgery by a specialist or else she would be paralyzed. I had the surgery done, and now am trying to pay down my credit card.

I am now in a situation where I can't go places I used to with friends. I have mentioned I am trying to save money to pay back the vet bill, but its a weird feeling for me. We would ususally go to a nice dinner and then a movie on the weekends. I haven't been going due to the financial problems, but last week a friend said they were gonna just run to Burger King because the movie was starting at 7:10 so there was no time for a real restuarant unless we wanted to go to the 11 something show.

I was plannin on going, had $15 bucks on me (enough for a BK veggie burger, fries, and a movie). We get there, and a friend annouces the movie is playing in another threatre at 9:20, so we can go to dinner (she hates fast food). She mentions a Japanese place that is very expensive, and there is no way I can go there with $15 bucks. They all agreed before I could really say anything, and I ended up saying I didn't feel good and went home.

It really is an awkward situation. I know if I said I couldn't afford it they would have offered to pay, but I would have been embarrassed. So its kind of off topic, but I know how you feel being in a different situation now. On the bright side, my dog has made what the surgeon called "a miraculous recovery" and regained the use of both her front and back legs.

[/ QUOTE ]

This reminds me of the post a day or two back where people were discussing whether people can stay friends as they progress along in their lives and careers and their incomes start to diverge. It sounds like your friends would rather go to a nice dinner than enjoy your company. I'm sorry to hear that. Pulling the old switcheroo on you is really crummy. Your friend should have stuck up for you, since she's the one who set you up for the fall and any social ostracism that might go with it. This kind of thing has happened to me before many times when I was broke too, and it was really disheartening and showed me who my real friends were. And that subset is always tiny compared to who your fair-weather friends are.

Remember who the ones are who are cool to you now. You may not have recognized their quality before they were in a position to show it or had to make decisions on how to treat you.

Good for you on the doggy.

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
Blarg,

You are suggesting that if I hold the door for a girl...her interpreting it as my wanting to sleep with her should carry the same validity that I was simply being polite. In FACT I am being polite...it takes something else-not truth or fact-to make it otherwise.


[/ QUOTE ]

Your first sentence is kind of hard for me to understand, so I'll just try to respond. Other guys, even if not you, are manipulative to women all the time and do all kinds of things to make them feel obligated, and we know the reason why. If you have never done so yourself, that doesn't mean she hasn't seen it countless times before. I can understand a woman being defensive about this, but don't appreciate the paranoia of some women about men being nice to them, either. But it happens. And I can understand it.

Plus, let's not kid each other that holding a door for someone is anywhere near similar to buying them dinner or whatever. A held open door is not a date and will never be misconstrued for one.

[ QUOTE ]
I think it's great that you apply nth level thinking to level 1 circumstances. You are the only one that doesn't find the above mentioned girl's reaction inappropriate.

I am only defensive when it comes to others telling me what my actions mean when in fact they're not even close. At least now I have an understanding that offering to pay for dinner can be construed as >>friendly.

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm having to repeat a lot that generalities were being spoken of, not the particularities of your case, and I shouldn't have to do that.

If you are acknowledging that what seems innocent is not always taken so, then you're basically agreeing with me anyway. All it is, is just taking someone else's possible viewpoint into consideration. Nothing objectionable there.

I can see how being taken for being manipulative or false can be unsettling, though. I'm just saying you shouldn't be that surprised, or insist that there's only one way to take something.

[DMC0627]

Thanks Blarg. She really is a wonderful little dog. I was told if she was able to stand it would probably take 1-2 weeks, and if she could walk it would take several months. She literally stood the day I brought her home from the hospital (only for a second but it was a great sign) and is walking after only 1 month. I am very, very lucky.

[bernie]

[ QUOTE ]
I really don't think she thought it was a date. At the time that we agreed to grab drinks, I was still engaged.

[/ QUOTE ]

Being taken can be a huge turn on for women. Many like the challenge. A wedding ring can be a great attractant.

[ QUOTE ]
also, part of the purpose was for me to bring her some old files she had worked on (that she couldn't get cuz she'd been fired).

[/ QUOTE ]

I've yet to figure out why OOT posters looking for advice wait to put info like this in their thread until way later in the thread. It can change the texture of the situation quite a bit. It can make the whole earlier replies a complete waste of time. Though, in this case, it's not a drastic change.

b

[ThaSaltCracka]

Its because she got fired and is prolly tight for cash as well. Plus she's a girl and girls expect [censored] like this.

[DirtyDiggs]

I'm about half way through and probably unduely biased to the term "financial district."

But of my friends who work in that environment, it seems that its very standard for someone to pick up the whole bill. I'm not sure if that is directly related to the expense account mentality or that most of them are making 200K+ at 25 and "it all balancing out in the end" has a longer scale with that much disposable income.

Is it just possible that she thought you were a little more flush when she wasn't, and was taking it to be a better time for it to be your round?

[otnemem]

[ QUOTE ]
I'm about half way through and probably unduely biased to the term "financial district."

But of my friends who work in that environment, it seems that its very standard for someone to pick up the whole bill.

[/ QUOTE ]
I don't work on the exchange or anything. I work in advertising. I don't make six figures.

[otnemem]

[ QUOTE ]
I've yet to figure out why OOT posters looking for advice wait to put info like this in their thread until way later in the thread. It can change the texture of the situation quite a bit. It can make the whole earlier replies a complete waste of time.

[/ QUOTE ]
I was drunk when I posted. Some of the details resurfaced the next day.

[DrewDevil]

It doesn't matter if OP is dead broke or a zillionaire, he has no *obligation* to pay the whole check here. If he wants to, fine, but she's a douche for expecting him to pay for drinks when she invited him out.

Don't use the excuse of being broke, just tell her how much her half of the bill is, or else say "I only buy drinks for girls who suck my dick."