Let's talk about depression/attempted suicide

[CharlieDontSurf]

I'm on anti depressants.

My mom has had problems with depression her whole life off and on and my dad gets like panic attacks and depression etc. I usually wouldnt get like classically depressed but would often feel fine one week then for no reason get super bummed out the next. Plus i didnt get excited about [censored], even stuff i should have..like sleeping with hot chicks, going on vacations etc. Plus i just had a total lack of drive/energy...my friends used to joke that I seriously suffered from adrenalitis...if u ever saw that car commercial ude understand the joke.

I had it off and on thru college and the last 4 or 5 years but always just dealt with it and figured it was just part of life.

Looking back it def hurt my social life and probably my school work...def my screnwriting and career etc. I finally decided to get my [censored] together n see a Dr./therapist given I'm planning a big move back to Scottsdale, AZ

I got put on something called wellbutrin.. so far seems to work pretty well. Def way way more focused now on my writing getting on with my career/life. Also finally buckling down and focusing on trying to become a MTT baller given the amount of time I waste on this site.

Before I was just kind of freaked out about my career/future and that in turn would bum me out etc. But I'm now planning on being totally on top of my [censored] and firing on all cylinders both socially and career wise when I move back in the spring.

Part of it is also finally realizing what I want with my life etc...and having the guts to pursue that goal even if it is a bit scary.

Even if your not even sure if yr depressed...worst case scenario u see a therapist maybe take some pills for a while then quit if they're not helping. Best case you get on with your life. If your even remotely thinking of suicide etc then def get to a Dr. and get on some pills. Even Tom Cruise will understand. On a sidenote my therapist is fricking smoking hot

[BillNye]

you have a son + daughter and you are thinking about suicide?

[Mr.JR]

I don't know why I'm doing this, most likely b/c I'm drunk, but here's my story of depression/self harm.

At college, junior year. New apartment with other people. Do very well fall semester; great classes, end up with 3.4 GPA. Up comes spring semester, and I hate my classes and don't go to most of them. Slept in a lot (got to bed around 2am, woke up sometimes around 1pm) Went to student clinic, depressed, social anxiety disorder. I also thought I might have ADD. Given Wellbutirn in Feb. Still don't go to most of classes, end up with a 2.0 GPA, got D- in one of my classes.

At end of May, one roommate moves out, at end of June, another roommate moves out. Living alone in 3 bedroom apartment (can't sublet, only pay for my room per month). Get new job, hate it. Late at night, attempt to cut myself on upper leg, can't do it, go to ER, in voluntary psych. ward for 3 days. Was a month ago. Back at college for 1st week of hopefully my last semester. Things are better, don't have feelings of self-harm, and would never consider suicide, but still feel sad sometimes. Also hate my part-time job, that I have had for over 5 years. Would like to quit, but they pay me good $ . Also have no idea what I want to do with life after college, and lack of girlfriends/sex.

[DwightSchrute]

Before I go into part 4 or 5 or whatever it was I wanted to respond to a few things thta have been said.

The reason I don't want to take pills has nothing to do with the fact that I don't think they'll help. It's more of "If I take these pills then I'm more than likely to take other pills instead of trying to deal with it w/o em."

As far as thinking of suicide while having kids I agree it's one of the worst and most selfish things one person could even think of doing. But I assume you havn't or don't suffer from depression. At least 99% of the time I wouldn't even consider it. I'm more like "my life sucks and I can't see it getting any better" type feeling. Then I think of my kids and realize it's not something I'd do but thinking about it is ok I guess.

Sure when I'm at my lowest I think if I'm not around people with more sound minds will do better for my children. Maybe they won't have the problems I do if someone else takes care of them.

Also I'm what they call a impulse person. Each time I attempted it wasn't me thinking and planning a whole bunch. It was me being drunk and thinking F it, grabbing the pills and suck em down.

I'm not going to try to defend myself a whole bunch because I don't think it would do very good. I'm certainly not one of the "top tier respected posters" on this site. But I would imagine for the people that know me on here one of the first things they'd think of is me being mature and a loving father.

So if you will at least assume that I am and go from there.

Thanks

[riverdance]

[ QUOTE ]
you have a son + daughter and you are thinking about suicide?

[/ QUOTE ]

[jaffa]

The following is probably stream of consciousness so may not read particularly well. It's also pretty emo, but try not picture me as this:



Because for the majority of us, it's not the case. I for one want acceptance and a chance to take part in life again. I wear the same clothes the rest of you wear, listen to the same music and have never dyed my hair.

I'm currently 'battling with depression' as it's often put. Have been for the last couple of months, pretty much by myself, though within the last few weeks i have told a few close friends and seen a doctor and am currently prescribed Fluoxetine which is supposed to lift my mood after a few weeks, i hope it does. I should probably go see a therapist, it would probably help.

It's a strange feeling, and to those who've never probably had depression it's difficult to describe or comprehend. It's not just feeling low. Feeling low, according to the doctor is when something happens, and you get upset about that particular thing. Depression concerns everything, you no longer get enjoyment out of things that should give you plenty, nothing is interesting anymore, you no longer care for people in the same way you used to, you feel crap all the time and are constantly thinking of death and suicide.

Now i'm dead against suicide, i think it's selfish, and so would hopefully never go down that route, but like i say, i think about it all the time. Visions of myself taking a load of pills, hanging myself, shooting myself in the end, morbid stuff. As a cheap alternative i sleep in til the afternoon, after all "sleep is the cousin of death". When you're asleep i'll often dream of things unrelated to how i feel, it's a detachment from reality, so often in the mornings i'll hate the prospect of getting up simply because i'll have to get on with life.

I imagine it's different for everybody. But for myself it's a feeling of hopelessness, like i'll never be happy again and a general belief that bad things happen to me. Emo i know, but there's nowt i can do about it, i am completely aware of my misery and how others perceive me and that the lack of self belief is obviously an illusion but still i can't get ontop of the situation. It's as though my brain is not working as one unit, as thought the two sides are independent of each other, and as though the depressed side is slowing the other down, but all it can do is sit and wait, and analyse it's unwell half on internet message boards.

Another feeling is wanting an answer to some big question. Unfortunately i don't know the question, so how can i find the answer? The people i have told are the friends or aquaintences who i feel have good philosophical or logical minds, because i want this answer so very badly and i'm searching all possible channels for a possible answer, even though such a thing does not exist. If i don't think someone could hold the answer, then i don't care and don't want to know (like i said earlier, you stop caring for people), people will often say "it's alright, it'll get better" but this doesn't really mean a thing, it doesn't help, it doesn't answer anything.

The quest for an answer is partly what leads me to 'self harm'. Which is something i could never picture myself doing. This will either consist of punching a wall till my knuckles are bleeding, or taking it out on myself with a razorblade. For me it's not "I bleed so i can feel" or any of that [censored]. I don't like the blood, it's messy, it doesn't stop, it gets everywhere, i'm not too keen on the pain either, but it does help me forget about life for a brief moment. It's kind of like a reset switch. I don't get pleasure from hurting myself, it doesn't make me happy. I'm not a manic depressive, so don't ever feel happy, it's either neutral or crap. Hurting myself just allows me to reset my mental state back to neutral after i get particularly low. I also do it for attention, sort of. I hope that someone with 'The Answer' will see my bleeding knuckles , take me to one side and reveal to me how to lead the life i imagined myself living and to show me what i've done wrong to end up where i am.

I don't feel particularly guilty or at fault, though this changes from day to day. I mainly feel angry at believing bad things happen to me.

Cliff Notes: I'm depressed. Not suicidal but always think of death. Searching for some magical answer. Hurt myself for attention and as a reset switch.

[CharlieDontSurf]

just take the [censored] pills.
stop being an idiot and a pussy

[jaffa]

[ QUOTE ]
just take the [censored] pills.
stop being an idiot and a pussy

[/ QUOTE ]

obviously

[DwightSchrute]

Emailed to me with their story -

I have had some drug issues, here is why I continue to use. They are a major cause of my depression. P.s.: i'm not an english major



During the period I'm on a certain drug, I'm enlightened. You can be against drugs, thats fine. But, you have to admit they put you on a different level than you are normally. For me, it was like being able to find out certain, undeniable truths about myself, facts can fix my life, make me normal. How can I avoid them?

But the truth is that it escapes you. Not that you just forget it, you have seen the truth and the clarity to the world and have access to the seemingly unknowable, 'why am I the way I am'. But you lose it, it drifts away from you and all you can think of is 'I've stepped beyond the mundane'. And when I'm sober, my thoughts are dominated by the steady tatoo of "again, again, I want to see again". And if I shorten my memory, hurt my body, lose my friends, and shame my family, so what? I've seen the answers of life, the pitiful game that we play day to day. I have truly seen them, I just cannot vocalize them. I can only see them if I hurt myself. I walk day to day life and outsider, and actor not really fitting into his role, constantly checking his mark on stage. its a price I bear, and always will.

[DwightSchrute]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to skip the last couple years. Mainly because I don't see much good coming out of it. I would like to ask those that totally can't understand anything I (or people like me) go through to understand just because I'm depressed doesn't make me a pu$$y or weak. I am a very loving and caring person. I've been wronged like most of us but instead of lashing out at them I'd rather be hurt myslf. I know that isn't right in there with what I've been talking about. But's it's also exactly how I am.

As a side note I called 15+ psychiatrists today and noone would see me in less than 2 months. I just think that's kind of weird. I guess if I needed help that bad (in their eyes) I could always go to an emergancy room.

To be clear I'm depressed not suicidal.

I'm curious from those that take antidepressants would you please PM me or post in here and tell me how the antidepressants make you feel. Are there some that actually make you generally happy or just not as sad. Oh also please tell me what you're taking.

I took Prozac at first then Welbutrin. Neither really helped, I don't think anyway.