How about just jokes thread??

[polyviewness]

A not necessarily well-prepared student
sat in his life science classroom, staring
at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed:
"Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to
scribble whatever came into his head,
hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam
demanded a fourth answer. Again, what
to write? Once more, he sighed. He
frowned. He scowled, then sighed again.
Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his
pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his
definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers
of varying sizes.

[polyviewness]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they
decided it

might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot, they went
out for

a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether it would really
work out.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.

Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of

their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say

that I would like it infrequently."



The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his

glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"

[polyviewness]

Fart football!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"

[polyviewness]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any
contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one
with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water
and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you
ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled
and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass
through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls;
one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says,
"Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"The girl replies,
"If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it
before Tiffany sticks her arse in it."

[emon87]

[ QUOTE ]
anyone else feel free to post....i cant COPY AND PASTE that many jokes on my own

[/ QUOTE ]

FYP

[Perplexity]

[ QUOTE ]
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any
contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one
with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water
and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you
ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled
and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass
through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls;
one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says,
"Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"The girl replies,
"If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it
before Tiffany sticks her arse in it."

[/ QUOTE ]

heh i liked that one.

[polyviewness]

so some more jokes or what?? some FTP doesnt want me to so....

[polyviewness]

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's [censored], yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the [censored] pots!"

[polyviewness]

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

[baggins]

[ QUOTE ]
A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big" everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi".
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "one".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$121,237.65".
The boss says "$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

[/ QUOTE ]

i work in commission based retail sales. i think this joke is absolutely great. love it.