little cousin getting pushed around

[Mike Gallo]

Jon,

Tell your cousin you would rather him go to the principles office for fighting than the nurses office for bleeding.

Tell him to defend himself and to stop acting soft.

[Bostaevski]

Blarg said in far better words what I was going to say but i have this to share anecdotally

When I was a kid, maybe 10 or 11 years old there was this kid in the neighborhood that used to kind of bully me. He was probably bullied himself and saw me as being lower in the pecking order. Well I had been taking some karate lessons (which were fun as all hell). Not because I wanted to beat someone up but because when you're that age karate is badasss

Anyway one day that kid was kinda bullying me again, I think he maybe even pushed me off my bike. Well even though I was probably still a white-belt I had already built up my self confidence a fair bit. Instead of being afraid this time I was calm and I started busting out my roundhouses and dragon punches or whatever. I didn't even really beat him up or anything. It was more that I was able to assert myself and make him think twice. He actually ended up running away and never bothered me again.

[MikeyPatriot]

Your cousin needs to learn how to choke a bitch.

[4_2_it]

It's kindergarten. The alpha males are just establishing the pecking order for the next 12 or so years. I wouldn't worry about it unless the school communicates directly with his parents. Obviously, mom and dad should continue to encourage him to not get physical.

[Jon1000]

[ QUOTE ]
but you're likely to do poorly socially among your peers if you can't at least keep up with kids your own size and age.

[/ QUOTE ]
This was my largest concern b/c he will potentially be w/ all of the same boys for 9 years, and in my experience, pecking order stuff established in those first two years lasts for far longer. My cousin already doesn't seem to be like the physical kind of kid. On the one hand, I privately wish he was, but on the other hand, I don't want to force him to be. I'd be far more comfortable w/ explaining to him that sometimes fighting is ok.

[ QUOTE ]
Also, don't think of self-defense reflexively in such a negative fashion. It does wonderful things for kids that provide very long-term benefits, many quite applicable to school and work. Among them are: concentration(huge life benefit), discipline, work ethic, mental toughness, confidence, courage.

[/ QUOTE ]
This all seems true, but practically, at such a young age, I was wondering how applicable any martial art will be w/ his toddler like coordination. I recall you have some formal training. I am more worried abotu his confidence short/long term and courage than anything else. The problem just baffles me b/c the physical differences between young boys is so small that this seems to really be a willpower type thing. I'd be happier getting him more involved in physical sports to get used to competition and rough housing then sending him to martial arts.

[ QUOTE ]
Self-defense courses are great no matter how much of a pacifist you are or how much rosier you think the world is or should be than it really is.

[/ QUOTE ]

I am FAR from a pacifist, but I recently found out that I wouldn't want to recommend that my aunt and uncle try to flesh out more aggression in my laid back little cousin.

[DrewDevil]

I was bullied at school for a while (6th grade), and my dad told me that the next time it happened, to pick the biggest bully and punch him as hard as I could in the nose.

This pretty much scared me sh!tless, but I did it. He fell down crying like a little bitch and blood dripped all over his clothes. No one ever bothered me again after that.

Granted, I didn't go to a thug school where I had to worry about getting knifed or shot, but I still think it's one of the defining moments of my life. And I doubt any of the kids in kinnygarten are packing.

Nothing wrong with fighting back.

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
It's kindergarten. The alpha males are just establishing the pecking order for the next 12 or so years. I wouldn't worry about it unless the school communicates directly with his parents. Obviously, mom and dad should continue to encourage him to not get physical.

[/ QUOTE ]

The pecking order matters. And so does not getting picked on.

Also, he's going to get physical whether he likes it or not. That is what being bullied is all about. The only question is whether the bullying will continue or not or how much the child will be hurt and humiliated. There's no escaping the situation by ignoring it. And it will happen in one way or another for the rest of the kid's life.

I'd say he learn to deal with the problem, rather than pretend it doesn't exist and pay the consequences.

[NCAces]

No one gave the obvious answer. Go talk to the teacher and tell her to get off her ass and make sure this isn't happening. I have a 5 year old and a 7 year old, and this has not been an issue because the teachers are good with good discipline.

Also, talk to the parents of the kid and explain what is going on. Most parents would want to know this and would sit down with their kids and talk. This happens all the time with kids the age of mine.

Finlly, why are you seeking this advice here ... the average OOT age is what? 17? What do they know?

NCAces

[Blarg]

A lot depends on the quality of the instructors, but especially with children, the chances are probably pretty small that someone teaching martial arts will encourage a kid to be brutal, or even tolerate bad behavior. Little kids aren't being taught for the the octagon or mixed martial arts brawls. Their classes stress fun and technique, keeping things simple, and confidence through accomplishment. They really don't stress or support being violent to people with what you learn. You wouldn't be wrong to think of them for what they are -- not offense, but self defense, and something to do with other kids that's fun, helps develop you, and keeps you fit.

Again, I would stress judo or jiu-jitsu. Judo doesn't even have punches or kicks at all. But it teaches great defensive things like falling and rolling and standing up again when knocked down or when you slip or get thrown. If techniques learned are applied in the world outside the gym, it will be something like tripping someone or knocking them on their back or side. That doesn't hurt all that much, but it can be a shock and let you know you're probably picking on the wrong guy. You probably won't get a black eye or a chipped tooth out of it. In fact, if someone gets hauled up to the principal's office and asked to explain what just happened, the judo kid is going to be seen as doing about the least violent thing possible. An untrained kid who tries to punch or kick someone and succeeds is going to be seen as more violent and damaging. By comparison, NOT punching or kicking someone, and just knocking him on his butt even though he's trying to punch or kick you, looks pretty good.

I think you don't need to think of martial arts training as something that is going to corrupt the spirit of a kid and make him violent. With a decent teacher, it will probably give him the confidence, skill, and self-respect to stay away from and prevent violence.

Regarding what seems to be a kid's nature, it is of course going to change and develop over time and according to what he is exposed to. I'd say always keep all options open. Many kids and adults too do not really explore all the options they have, and then people think and speak of them as if they had really had a chance to explore adequately an entire universe of options before making their informed choices. The kid might or might not turn out to be very physical, and might be more at some stages of his life than others. The best thing for him is to be exposed to a lot of good possibilities so he can try out all kinds of potentially rewarding things, even if people think they might not be for him or if his peers, parents, or whoever pigeonhole him. Under the right circumstances, kids can bloom in all sorts of ways we might never expect or have thought of. It's great not to let any of our preconceptions of the limitations of his abilities wind up hobbling him.

[Blarg]

[ QUOTE ]
No one gave the obvious answer. Go talk to the teacher and tell her to get off her ass and make sure this isn't happening. I have a 5 year old and a 7 year old, and this has not been an issue because the teachers are good with good discipline.

Also, talk to the parents of the kid and explain what is going on. Most parents would want to know this and would sit down with their kids and talk. This happens all the time with kids the age of mine.

Finlly, why are you seeking this advice here ... the average OOT age is what? 17? What do they know?

NCAces

[/ QUOTE ]

This is a wonderful answer, but it depends on a lot of other things being pretty ideal.

When I was growing up, teachers didn't give a damn or were in denial whenever interacted with by parent or child, and the parents of most bullies would basically tell other parents to go f*ck themselves in no uncertain terms. Of course, there's the chance that things won't work out that way, but I don't think it can be taken for granted that one is always dealing with honest, responsible people.