GF, Suicide, Depression (longish)

[WatchThis]

Hello,

I don't post on 2+2 much, but I read very regularly. Thanks to all for your great contributions; I have really learned a lot about poker and life.

I am dating an amazing girl. We have been together almost two years. I am completely in love with her and we're going to get married. She is perfect for me.

She has clinical depression and is on medication (was on Proazc, but I believe that she switched recently). A few years ago (before we were dating or even knew each other), she tried to kill herself. I don't know how--I think taking a bunch of Tylenol, but not sure...haven't asked. From time to time she gets depressed, but I can deal with this as my father has depression and I understand it from a Psych 101 perspective.

I want to be there for her in every way. Part of that means understanding the suicide thing. I want to ask her about it and know everything, as I am very curious by nature. Also, I want to be able to understand her and love her. Naturally, I know that it's not really appropriate for me to ask, "So...tell me about that time when you tried to kill yourself..." She has told me that she did try to, but she also said that she didn't think that she would have done it but for the medicine she was on at the time.

I love her and I can't imagine life without her. I guess I want to make sure she never does something like that again. Obviously, that's a bit out of my control. She has told me that I always make her happy and that I'm the best thing that has happened to her. She is the best thing that has happened to me. I am rambling and not really coming to my point, but hopefully I've gotten there circuitously. 1) How can I understand the suicide-attempt best? 2) How can I prevent another (she hasn't been anywhere close to that when I've been with her, but hopefully you know what I mean)?

I just want to understand her so that I can love her more fully.

Finally, any tips as for dealing with the depression stuff? I mean, I can deal with her when she's low. I can deal with her when she's happy (LDO). What I don't understand are the swings. For example, we'll hang out during the day and she'll be upbeat and hyper and excited. But when we talk at night, sometimes she'll be upset, quiet, and moody. She is not bi-polar, but the swings are there and I don't know how to understand them best from a loving, boyfriend (soon fiance) perspective.

I just wish the world for her, for her to be happy always, and for me to support her in every way.

How can I do this best?

Thanks.

[2461Badugi]

I've been on her end. Almost certainly with much more suicidal ideation than she has, if you're not hearing more about it. Fortunately I found an end to it.

It sounds like you're doing a good job. I think the most important thing is probably not to get obsessive about it. Obviously if you're hearing things in her down times that suggest she views death as a hopeful thing, you need to be worried. Conversely, if she believes in her future, even in the down times, there's almost no reason to be.

It's also a good idea to watch medication changes carefully. Not being on Prozac is a good thing, though, as one of its effects can be increasing suicidal motivations. (I got that one.)

For dealing with the swings, all I can say is to be patient and don't try to predict them in advance. It can be really hard to make plans sometimes, so try to cultivate spontaneity, both in doing fun things and in being quiet and supportive, and do what's appropriate for the situation. Don't get so attached to your plans that you try to bull through her mood. She'll probably be willing to do this, but it's a bad idea in the long run.

Be sure you're paying attention to taking care of yourself, too. It's easy to get very focused on a depressed partner and let that slip, and that can spiral badly.

[Humble Pie]

Very depressing post, I won't make light of it.

[Hoi Polloi]

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Be sure you're paying attention to taking care of yourself, too. It's easy to get very focused on a depressed partner and let that slip, and that can spiral badly.

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Much wisdom here.

[Love2AceYou]

Stay strong. God be with you. I'll pray.

[oddsock]

[ QUOTE ]
Be sure you're paying attention to taking care of yourself, too. It's easy to get very focused on a depressed partner and let that slip, and that can spiral badly.

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I'm also re-quoting this. It is essential you take this on board. You need to keep reminding her that you love and need her - in the same way that she needs you support, remind her that you need hers. This may sound corny but it is important to a emotionally/mentally depressed person to feel they are needed and worthy. If she is diagnosed as a clinically depressive then ensure that she is taking her medication and/or attending her therapies. Some depressives will actually avoid this because they don't want to feel better - so ensure this.

[hallo!]

yes. Dont make the mistake to focus too much on her. Noone forces you to deal with her problems. I made the mistake and it cost me so do it better.

[govman6767]

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Stay strong. God be with you. I'll pray.

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[Praxising]

I had two thoughts. Being diagnosed bipolar myself, I wouldn't be sure she is not. It's hard to diagnose because we don't see doctors when we are high, usually, unless it gets downright psychotic, we see doctors when we are depressed and it interferes with our lives or we do the suicide thing. I can remember being asked by a shrink to recall the last time I felt happy and I couldn't. I was in my thirties and in a state where I literally had no memory of ever laughing or having a good time. So, you might not want to rule out anything.

Second, if you are going to marry her, then OF COURSE you ask about the suicide. One of the best deterrants to that is talking about it out in the open.

My advice is: mental illness is not an individual's problem, it is a family issue. Long before you marry, you need to go together for counselling to her primary mental health care-giver who can advise you on things to watch for, issues around having children, how to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You should be checking in regularly as a couple, possibly for many years.

It is my opinion, (and opinions are worth what you pay for them, they say) if either of you will not make this happen, then they aren't ready for the complete committment that is marriage.

You are her boyfriend, perhaps her fiance, and in future her husband. Never forget that you are NOT her therapist. The road to a sick, destructive, codependent mess of a marriage is very easy to wander down here.

Good luck.

[Shizzle12345]

you are always infected by the people around you, wether you want it or not. Make sure it doesnt get to you too much..