On Love

deleteduser · #1 04-23-2007, 10:59 PM

A conversation ended the other day with -- "In this world there are two types of relationships your either the lover, or the loved" Applying this to my current relationship I find this to be true and many other people agree with this statement.

I take my relationship with my g/f of a year or so to be quite standard. It got me thinking then if the best relationships are lover, lover. Do any of you guys/gals feel that most relationships are this way what are you experiences with love and what really makes the best and lasting relationships. I'm getting to be older and marriage might start coming into the picture so I am asking further for what to look for when deciding on "the one."

octopi · #2 04-23-2007, 11:06 PM

I have mostly been the loved in my relationships. I haven't had many, but usually the guy is the one who wants to be wrapped up in love and to lavish me with affection...and for most of my adolescent life I preferred it that way. I was cold, almost unaffectionate and just did not know how to give love without getting over the fear or rejection or battling the "this is only short term" issue. Basically, I had a hard time loving. I felt equally awkward being loved and did not know how to receive. I ended every one of my relationships and didn't really 'get them' until I was in my mid 20s.

Now I find myself in a lover/lover relationship, and it's pretty fantastic. There is little resentment or 'score keeping' and I find it just as rewarding to give affection as to receive. It's not work by any stretch and I'm blissfully unaware to any moment in time when I have to try to love more.

FWIW, I have been in the relationship 2 years and was his friend a year previous to that. It was like getting into a hot tub; slowly lowered myself into a boiling tub of water and then realized it wasn't so bad afterall!

kerowo · #3 04-24-2007, 12:24 AM

I think you should be careful of false dichotomy, bumper sticker sayings to judge your relationships. At the end of the day what is important is if you are happy in the relationship, you are happy with the relationship, and your partner feels the same way.

Marwan · #4 04-24-2007, 04:51 AM

I agree with Kerowo.. but, i'd say the best relationships are loved, loved if that implies you have to do way less work.

katyseagull · #5 04-24-2007, 02:07 PM

I'm not sure I completely understand what you're saying. Do you mean relationships most often have one person who acts as the giver ("lover") and is more in love and demonstrative than the other person who acts as a receiver and is less demonstrative?

I guess I believe that we all have our own preference and role type that we feel comfortable with. If you're the kind of person who likes to lavish love on someone else and be in the "lover" role then you need to find a partner who will not mind it. The problem comes when we hook up with people who aren't compatible with our own style. For example, two people who enjoy taking on the "loved" role but don't have the talent to be givers. That's going to be a problem.

I tend to think that every long lasting relationship has a lover and a loved. Even though I've been told by old people that their love is "equal" after many years, I always suspect it has to be somewhat lopsided. Guess that's based on my own experience. I guess using your terminology I would be the one who takes on the lover role in my relationships. Psychologists would probably tell me I set it up this way because I prefer it. I tend to go after guys where it is somewhat evident this might be the case. At least that's how I see it anyway.

I had one relationship where it was the opposite situation. The guy was crazy in love with me and I did not feel equally in love back but we were definitely a couple. I certainly felt loved. It was cool for awhile but after about 9 months I had to break it off. It just wasn't working for me. I need to be in the other position to feel excitement and "in love".

But I'm a cynic. I'm one of those people that doesn't believe in lasting love.

Runkmud · #6 04-24-2007, 02:12 PM

I tend to believe this theory, and also think it fits into the theory that invariably in a relationship one person loves the other more.

I've been on both sides of the coin, the lover and the loved. I tend to enjoy the relationships more when I'm the lover, but in my old age, it's more comfortable and easier to be the loved. I also believe in some relationships I've switched from the lover to the loved, but I think that has more to do with the fact that like Katy, I'm a cynic as well, and I get bored in relationships easily.