Ask the 2+2 Ladies Your Questions

[ystr82u]

katy, VR?

[SoloAJ]

It's true pryor. Sadly...it's true. Haha.

[pryor15]

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It's true pryor. Sadly...it's true. Haha.

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nooooooooooooooooooooooooo

[Mrs. Utah]

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First of all, sorry for using an alias, i would really appreciate if i can remain "undercover"
I have a rather big problem right now.
I have been engaged with a girl for almost 3 years now, everything clicked from the beginning, she's smart, beautiful and has a great sense of humor.
i'm gonna tell you now a few of the things that happened during these three years.
first of all, before i met her i was a total degenerate, every night in clubs, different girl every week (not saying this for a brag or something like that).
saw her a few times and really had a crush on her. then we got acquainted and actually talked and i realized i really wanted to be with her not for a one week thing, i just wanted to live with her and be with her forever.
i started talking to her more, and i kinda lied about my past and stuff like that (she didnt have any sexual experience at 21 yrs old, solid education and morals and the type of girl that has always thought about being with only one man in her life). i was crazy about her and finally we got together. after a few months we made love and all that and i was truly one happy person.
then things from the past started to appear, things that i never wanted her to know, like how many women ive been with, what crazy things i used to do. but somehow slowly they all came out (damn lies always are discovered).
we had huge fights (and i mean huge) and her trust in me was almost zero.
after that long period of fights, i think that actually love prevailed and we were still together but everything was changed.
that happened like two years ago and still, after all this time she doesnt have full confidence in me although i have never took another girls' number, or cheated or flirted with chicks. i really do love her.
she was the best thing that ever happened to me, since i met her i got from a stupid college student to a manager in a big networking company.
thing is i hate life right now. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] i really do. she still suspects me every day of having affairs and i just cant take the stress anymore.
ive paid for everything she ever needed in the past years, i worked a lot to get where i am now and i never asked her to work or something like that, i just ask her to study to finish college.
about me, i'm your average guy, nothing in particular, not ugly or handsome just average. im good though with people, ive always gotten easily in any circle of people and talk to them, i dont consider myself very smart although my IQ a good amount above average.
i dont know how i was like that with women before i met her, it was just so easy to get them, guess it's just the way i am that made things easy.
anyways enough of this.
i really need serious advice about what can i do to make her fully trust me again and not be constantly stressed with her questions like "how many girl coworkers you have?", "saw any girl you liked?" and all that [censored], it's tearing me apart.
i must add that she is very beautiful and ive loved the way she looked since the first day i saw her and i really never wanted to have sex with anyone else.
i really need some advice
thank you and sorry for the spelling errors

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My first thought is that you should never hide your past. Good or bad, its yours and it sounds like you have learned a lot from it and its not who you are now.
It does not sound like you have been unfaithful to her at all, correct?

It seems to be that she has a huge self esteem issue. She needs to get around that or it will not get any better. She will continue to question everything you do.

Marriage is hard work and going into it with any doubt is a bad idea.

[ystr82u]

mrs, i know now i shouldnt have hidden the past, but it happened. i was such a degenerate and she was the sweetest purest girl ive ever met and i "wanted to have a chance". i really think that if i wouldve told her everything upfront i wouldnt have any any chance whatsoever to be with her, she hated those kind of guys, so i had the chance of letting her actually know the "me in love with a woman" and i think this is why we are still together now.
i havent cheated on her, not even a phone number from another girl or stuff like that.
dont know about that self esteem, she is really beautiful and has a beautiful body too and i dont understand why that would be the case. we accidentally bumped into other women ive been with for a fling and im sure not one of them was more beautiful than her. i just dont understand.
im telling her every day i love her and i want to be with her for the rest of our lives. besides the past, she has absolutely no reason to doubt me.
and yes, that is what's bothering me to death, marriage. i know any doubt or stuff like that is a bad start into a marriage [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]
i just dont know what to do anymore

[katyseagull]

Sorry, ystr82u, I'm having a really hectic day. Huge project at work and it's like a freakin monkey on my back. I will think about what you wrote and try to get back to you this evening.



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she still suspects me every day of having affairs and i just cant take the stress anymore.

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Off the top of my head:

Man I wish I could talk to your girlfriend for an hour. There's stuff I would like to tell her.

If she's still distrustful of you after 2 years I would say she might just have a little problem. I mean my god, 2 years? First, I can sympathize with both of you. I have been that girl before. I definitely know how it feels to have a guy lie to me and to not trust him anymore. But at some point what is called for is a leap of faith and just letting go of all that old crap and deciding you're going to move forward and stay positive.

If I were in your shoes I would probably ask her what it would take for her to have trust in me again and for her to stop bringing up other women and asking dumb antagonistic questions like "saw any girl you liked?". This is just ridiculously immature in my opinion and sounds like someone who is really insecure. (like I said, I've been there. I am not a stranger to this.) You guys need to be moving in a forward direction, especially if you're engaged. You need to tell her that after this many years she should probably cut it out as it isn't going to help the relationship.

What usually works for me when I'm feeling jealous is for my bf to reassure me that he's crazy in love with me and that I'm something special to him. But in addition to this, if I ever get really petty and dumb (which I hardly do anymore but I used to in the past) he will tell me to stop being dumb as it's pretty unattractive and he can't take it.

I'm sure there's a lot better advice out there. Hopefully some of the other girls chime in.

I have a question for you. Aside from the jealousy issue, would you say your gf is relatively mature and happy in all other aspects? Is this the only area of her life that gives you any concern?

[Mrs. Utah]

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mrs, i know now i shouldnt have hidden the past, but it happened. i was such a degenerate and she was the sweetest purest girl ive ever met and i "wanted to have a chance". i really think that if i wouldve told her everything upfront i wouldnt have any any chance whatsoever to be with her, she hated those kind of guys, so i had the chance of letting her actually know the "me in love with a woman" and i think this is why we are still together now.
i havent cheated on her, not even a phone number from another girl or stuff like that.
dont know about that self esteem, she is really beautiful and has a beautiful body too and i dont understand why that would be the case. we accidentally bumped into other women ive been with for a fling and im sure not one of them was more beautiful than her. i just dont understand.
im telling her every day i love her and i want to be with her for the rest of our lives. besides the past, she has absolutely no reason to doubt me.
and yes, that is what's bothering me to death, marriage. i know any doubt or stuff like that is a bad start into a marriage [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]
i just dont know what to do anymore

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I agree you are not going to lay your past out on the first meeting. And now she knows, so no surprises there.

I really think this lies with her. It does not matter how beautiful she is-self esteem is more than just external beauty. She has no sense of security in your relationship. It seems that she doubts that she could be good enough for you(or maybe anyone) because she does not think she is good enough and therefore questions everything that you do, who you talk to etc.

You tell her you want to spend you life with her, does she say it back?(sorry if that sounds harsh)

I am curious as to what others think here too...

[ystr82u]

thanks a lot for replying katy.
ive tried talking to her, we talk a lot every day about everything and at least once every 2-3 days im telling her that, but i think you may have a point here.
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I have a question for you. Aside from the jealousy issue, would you say your gf is relatively mature and happy in all other aspects? Is this the only area of her life that gives you any concern?

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she is mature, she does very well in school, she will soon graduate but i think i found something with this question. she does have something always on her mind. she is very upset that in the past 3 years she hasnt contributed with any money to the household (her family is not rich) and basically since we met i have been taking care of everything she wanted and needed (before that she couldnt basically afford anything she really wanted). could this be it? if so, what the hell can i do? send her to work? that would really screw up her grades and she really wants to graduate with the highest grades as possible?
any idea?
thank you very much

[ystr82u]

mrs, i really dont know how everything wouldve been if i had told her everything in the first days of our relationship, but the harm is already done.
the answer to your question is that she tells me at least 5 times a day that she wants to spend the rest of our lives together, also another at least 5 times she asks if i still love/think she is still beautiful which i always say that even without her telling me anything.
i have a clue now, like i said in my previous post, but i have no idea how to approach that and if that could be the only answer.

[FeliciaLee]

You've got to stop apologizing and talking about it. It just brings up more drama.

Let it go, and tell her to let it go, too. State something like, "Dude, back in the day I was just so crazy. It was part of my youth, before I even met you. And if you are going to continue to have problems with this, maybe we should re-think our future. I am not apologizing anymore for my wild past."

And don't.

Women have a tendency to just get more and more worked up, the more you talk about it. Hormones and stuff. Lay it on the line that you aren't going to discuss it in drama and detail anymore, and you definitely aren't going to apologize even one more time for something that happened in your wild youth, before you had even met, and that you apologized about after she found out you lied.

Stick to it. I truly believe this is the only way you two will get past this, as a couple.

Good luck!

Felicia [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]