Mitch Hedberg

[Dan.]

[ QUOTE ]
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i bought an ant farm, them fellas didn't grow [censored]

[/ QUOTE ] plus if i ripped your legs off u would look like snowmen. that joke was better than u acted

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maybe it's not...[censored] what do I know...just trying to tell some jokes....

[BowToYourSensei]

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

[sc000t]

"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey... man, just be yourself."

[furyshade]

i was in a club, standing in front of the fire exit, and the guard comes up and says "sir you have to move, you're blocking the fire exit" i explained to him that if you have legs and are flammable, you are never blocking a fire exit.

i think the escalator is a great invention, it can never really break down, just becom stairs. if it is out of order, the sign would say "escalator, temporarily stairs, sorry for the convenience"

[bxb]

If you like Mitch Hedberg, you should check out Demetri Martin.

[mxer35]

"You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later."


I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said "please try again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitchel, don't give up, please try again! A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on Bottom, Hope on top.

[Chump Change]

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If you like Mitch Hedberg, you should check out Demetri Martin.

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Lolz yes. Some might thinks he's ripping off the style, others might think he's paying homage, but either way he's [censored] funny.

"Every dance is 'The Robot' if you can imagine a really advanced robot"

[jmill2511]

"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable"

[-beavs-]

"I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My [censored] fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying shtt!"

so many more gems...

[zac7179]

"I am staying at a hotel tonight, I can't tell u the name f it but there are two trees involed."