GF wants to live together

[VoraciousReader]

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I think she does have the same traits, demonstrated by the fact that she didn't try to call me back after I hung up on her. That's my biggest fear about the relationship, that any time we have a fight it will result in a standoff where neither side will want to be the first to apologize or try to talk about it.

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Wow. You really do think like a woman.

"I hung up on him, he didn't try to call me back, so he didn't even TRY to apologize or talk about it. Look what that says about him."

I whined about this a lot when I was 20. Then I grew up and realized, um, I hung up on him. Barring truly horrifying behavior on his part, the apology is MINE to make.

I speculate that saving money appeals to her but that she really wants to live with you because she wants you around, and she is expecting (hoping?) that most of the time you two will be at each other's places anyway. Coming out with: "Won't we be spending lots of time together anyway? We've been apart for so long, I'd really rather just have you here," can be pretty hard if you're in a long distance relationship and she's not 100% clear where she stands. This is even more true if you are clearly leaning toward getting a place of your own.

Talking about it in money terms gives her a way to ask you to live with her without going way out on that limb. Women get nervous about asking to move the relationship forward and tend to approach it obliquely like this.

I'm not saying 100% this is what your girlfriend is thinking, but I expect you are WAY oversimplifying when you think her motives are purely financial.

Remember, women don't always say what we mean.

I'm not saying "you should move in with her", but using this as some kind of test of her love for you is unfair to both of you.

[MasterLJ]

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My girlfriend and I have been doing the long distance thing for about 6 months now and everything has been going as well as can be expected. Pretty soon I'm going to be moving out to Vegas, which is where she lives. Last night we got to talking about whether or not we should move in together or whether I should get my own place. I'm leaning towards getting my own crib, while she has recently become more and more in favor of shacking up together. Last night we were talking about the benefits of living together, and all she kept saying was that it would be better for financial reasons. She was like, "Money is the big reason." For some reason it kinda ticked me off that all she was talking about was money and she was making no mention of actually wanting to live with me because she would, you know, enjoy living with me.

I say to her, "So you're saying the main reason you want to live with me is so you can save money?", to which she bluntly responds, "Yes."

I say "That's nice" and hang up on her. This morning I get a text message from her saying "Maybe it is best that we do not live together."

I guess my "I'm being used radar" kinda went off and I got pissed. I understand that living together would save both of us money and it is without a doubt an advantage, but when you're going out w/ someone and decide to move in with them money should not be the main reason you do it. You should do it because you enjoy that person's company so much that you want to basically be married to them without being married. Anybody agree with me on this one, or am I totally overreacting?

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You know what the answer is... follow thru.

[Jiggymike]

Finally an OOT thread I can relate to (this is not a good thing). Anyhow, I am moving out west to be with my LDR gf of about a year and a half. At first, she wanted to live together for several reasons. One of them was financial (Even though it is dirt cheap to live out there compared to my current situation in Washington DC). Also, when we are together, we usually just spend like 2 weeks seeing each other non stop, so she didn't think it would be a big deal. I have firmly told her that I am not living with her for at least a year because I want to get used to the situation of seeing her so often, plus I just don't think we should be living together. Having your own place gives you a place to be alone when you need it, a place to retreat to if you are having a rocky time, your own space that you can arrange/live in however you want...I think at this stage it's just much better for my gf and me as well as you in your current situation. You did handle this fairly badly but I could see doing something similar if the situation had been building for a while.

[mrkilla]

In before picture of Forrest Gump

[tuq]

OP,

How can we possibly give you educated answers without having pics?

[xwillience]

dont do it. ever. if u get married make them live in a seperate house or a shed out back.

[cuadpi]

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Talking about it in money terms gives her a way to ask you to live with her without going way out on that limb. Women get nervous about asking to move the relationship forward and tend to approach it obliquely like this.

I'm not saying 100% this is what your girlfriend is thinking, but I expect you are WAY oversimplifying when you think her motives are purely financial.

Remember, women don't always say what we mean.

I'm not saying "you should move in with her", but using this as some kind of test of her love for you is unfair to both of you.

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While I agree that the financial motive is probably secondary in her reasons for wanting you to move in, I would advise against it until both of you want to do it for only ONE reason... you want to be with each other. If she is only trying to protect her/your feelings by saying it is financial, that means your relationship is not close enough that you guys can be honest about your feelings for each other. That is a recipe for disaster.

I would say move in with someone who is looking for a roommate. The best solution would be to find one that has flexibility (i.e. someone renting out a room and they would let you move out in 6 months with no penalty). You can actually plan to move in with her in 6 months after you both see how the move goes. That way you are not saying that you don't want to move in with her at all. Then in 6 months, see how you guys feel.

[Fast Food Knight]

I think she was emphasizing saving money because she felt insecure about wanting to live together and didn't want to scare you off by coming across like "OMG if we live together, then we can hang out every NIGHT!!!"

FWIW, my relationship got exponentially better once we moved in together. We have a freaking blast.

EDIT: and we BOTH save a huge amount of money living together. $350/ month in rent in Atlanta? You can't beat that. Don't underestimate how much of a stressor financial problems can be on a relationship.

However, if all you've been doing is long distance, I would try living separetely first.