Need your opinion... Does this wife owe him more?

[Wynton]

As I said before, it is unlikely that the person considering the job is cutting herself off from future opportunities. This is why.

(1) If the clerkship is the prestigious type, she will be even better positioned afterwards for a high-paying job at a firm.
(2) If she was in position for a prestigious clerkship, I highly doubt that she is now looking at a "run of the mill" position that will adversely affect her future chances of getting a high-paying gig.
(3) If the position she is not considering isn't that prestigious, then she probably was not going to get a job with a prominent law firm anyway.
(4) Contrary to what many think, employers understand that people make mistakes in deciding upon their first job. Indeed, the vast majority of lawyers end up seeking a new position within a few years. I have difficulty imaginging a scenario where one's initial job choice (in law) amounts to a permanent mistake.

[madnak]

What she owes him is being satisfied with his happiness, regardless of his paycheck. The same as he owes her.

[odellthurman]

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(4) Contrary to what many think, employers understand that people make mistakes in deciding upon their first job. Indeed, the vast majority of lawyers end up seeking a new position within a few years. I have difficulty imaginging a scenario where one's initial job choice (in law) amounts to a permanent mistake.

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The above poster/post makes a good point. Also, I think that this is a sensitive issue that the spouses should work out between themselves. No offense to the OP, but I believe there are serious communication problems in this marriage if the OP is so heavily involved in the discussion.

[katyseagull]

RayPowers -

Very nice post. You have done a nice job at sort of summing up my friends main argument.


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If she took a job that doesn't even meet what we'll crudely call her "minimal financial responsibilities" then I side with the husband a lot more. It is extremely frustrating to help support someone financially for years only to come to the realization that it's not ending when you thought it would be, and you may be doing this for the rest of your life because you love the person.


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I would say he is extremely frustrated at this point and feeling a little worried about the future. I think he feels like he is now "trapped" in his own grind of a job.



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From his perspective, he just spend a number of years supporting her and making sacrifices in expectation of some payoff later on with a higher standard of living. This of course should have been communicated from the outset so that things like this don't come up, but married couples are just as likely to screw up communications as anyone else.


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This was communicated at the outset and one thing I failed to mention is that my friend had entertained ideas of returning to school himself so I believe he was hoping she would get a high paying job that would address her student loans and car payment while still allowing him to return to school. Not sure if this piece of information is important to the original question which I guess I feel is this:

Given two people who have incurred a lot of debt, do they owe each other the highest paying job they can manage to find and are they obligated to live up to earlier agreements if on down the road they have had a change of heart?

[Wynton]

Oh Katy, you're pulling the ole trick of changing the hypothetical.

I think it matters a lot if there was an understanding that the husband would go back to school for a while. I'm much more sympathetic to him there. Also, it suggests that the concern is more short-term, than long-term. It's one thing to ask a spouse to do something they don't find appealing for a few years; it's much different to ask them to do it permanently.

[katyseagull]

Damn. did I screw that up? Should I delete that last post then? [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]


No Wynton, I really do not think there was an agreement or even an understanding that the husband would return to school after the wife graduated. I believe he has pondered the possibility in his head...like "yeah that would be cool someday" type of way. I don't think they ever agreed that she would go and then he would go.

I think he just had dreams that they would be rolling in the dough like DrewDevil said. I think he was really hoping she would bring in truckloads of cash and sort of open up possibilities for him as well as take the burden off his shoulders where it came to their debts and loans. Now, he feels disgusted and well, still trapped.



Edited to say:

By "agreement" what I meant was her original agreement to find work in corporate law not an agreement that she would go to school first and then he would follow. I think this was more an idea in his own head then any concrete part of an agreement.

(man I'm confusing myself now!)

[ericd]

I think the real problem the husband has is that he's worked a lot of years at jobs without the luxury of considering whether he liked them or not. A job had pay well enough to support his family to even be considered. He resents that his wife wants the choice of picking a "fun" job. He's never had that choice.

[katyseagull]

bingo. I think you may be exactly right.

[Colt McCoy]

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What spouses owe each other is unconditional support. There might be trade offs in the gov. job- better hours, pension, medical benefits, vacation time. How does she become his slave once she graduates?

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What she owes him is being satisfied with his happiness, regardless of his paycheck. The same as he owes her.

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These kind of answers are silly and just completely unrealistic.

Unconditional support? Wtf? Is he supposed to support her is she decides to become a bank robber? People in real relationships don't agree with everything their partners decide. Relationships are about comproimise and sacrifice and consideration of each other's feelings, not unconditional support. It doesn't sound at all like he's not suggesting she become his slave. But it does sound like he's been very supportive and would like some support in return. When it's something that impacts your partner in a significant way, as this does, they have a right to an opinion and some say in the decision. I'm not saying he should have all the say or even the final say, but they really need to discuiss the reasons behind her decision.

[Your Mom]

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The husband needs to get over it, or move along.

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I'd let my wife do whatever she wants to do as long as she isn't touching any other dudes.