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#1
12-02-2006, 12:22 AM
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Floating Boats, Goats and The Poobear - Part 2 -> Slider/Nation Cruise
And so it continues. I made 1100 today hurray! There won't be as many pictures in this report unless
Day 4 - Slider likes to meet random people Normally when we drink in Vegas - we get housed on redbull vodka and jaegerbombs. Then the next morning, we regret ever having drank in the first place. The cycle continues. There's a phenomenon that happens when you drink several days in a row. You develop an immunity to the dreaded nauseau, headaches, and dehydration. Luckily for us, we had hit this point. The ship docked in Ixtalpa, Mexico. Now this place was [censored] rural. Like farmers, donkey poop, trash in the streets. Obviously, they don't have a port for the ship to dock in so we have to take the life vessels and have them ferry us over. It doesn't help that the roof of the boat is like 5'10 either. The boat was packed (we had to standed)and slammed my dome continually against the "mind your head" sign. That + seasickness and the couple talking in front of us talking about the perils and plights of the natives made for a hellish ride. We get the vomit inducing boat and walk around. There's nothing there. Seriously.. Just shacks with natives selling pukka shells, miniature armadillos with bobbleheads, and shirts that say "How think you drunk I am" and "I met your mother at a donkey show." That little dingy is the SS Bill Frist Satan ship.  The beach there is grimy. Reminded me of New Jersey, sans the dirty infected needles and fat shirtless guidos walking around. We decide to head back to the boat and drink in one of the lounges instead. It turned out to be a fantastic decision. There's a basketball court up on the top of the boat. We get smashed and decide to play 3v3 with 2 twelve year olds. However, there's a net over the entire court, making it impossible to shoot if you're over 5'5. Nation gets punked by a 11 year old named Wesley when he rains a three in his eye. I laugh and karma comes back to haunt me. I drive on Nation and get the ball stuffed back in my face  We go to the club again that night. I start to hit on everyone in site. I'm absolutely plastered so I see Nation talking to this older 30s couple.  I dance a little until I find the Brazillian irl. Again, I get thoroughly owned. Nation was sleepy after a huge meal so he passed out early and I got to walk back to the room at 3AM again with blue balls. This 18 year old Brazillian is either the biggest prude or tease I have ever met. I weep tears of sorrow and pass out. Day 5 - Slider knows Mexico! Trust Slider. I know how to get to places We wake up again and go have breakfast + bloody marys (which are the disgusting btw). Nation is pretty much drinking liquid tabasco sauce with pepper and some Vodka. He loves that spicy [censored]. Punjabi blood. He's got curry running through his veins. So we get to Puerto Vallarta and decide to drink some Frozen Margaritas. In Mexico, these are the [censored]. Nothing is better. But... the water could be dirty and give you diarhea. I had the opposite problem. I hadn't taken a [censored] in 4 days, while Nation was dropping bombs every night in our bathroom - making the entire room smell like a dumpster in New Dehli. So... to cure the problem - VAMOS A WALMART PARA COMPRAR LAXATIVO. I saw a Walmart close to the ship when I was smoking on the balcony. I decide that it's a good idea to walk. 10 minutes later, we're lost, thirsty, and I'm still constipated. We grab a taxi and go to the isle. Finally, we find the [censored] stuff. I try to read the directions and can't figure out if I've purchased suppositories or laxitives. I hope that they're pills and buy them along with a football to throw on the beach. We grab another taxi and I ask the driver "Quieremos ir a la playa cerca de el terminal de cruisero." He mumbles a bunch of stuff in Mexican and I can't understand because I speak Spanish. Nation tries to explain that there's a problem but I yell vamos and off we go. The beach is gorgeous. TONS of people. It's like a real nice resort that stretches for about 1/4 miles. We put our crap on beach chairs and start to throw the ball around until we decide to get drinks. The first bar - "Este hotel es all inclusivo." [censored] We walk to the next bar... Same thing... The next bar? Same thing. Now we're even farther from the exit, dehydrated, and tired from walking in sand. I buy a water from a Mexican street vendor with this label about cuerpo. I try and translate it roughly to "don't waste water and drink only what your body needs." It was actually something different and stupid that should never be on a water bottle. That's why Mexico is a 3rd world country. They need to have cool labels like "A blend of 23 flavors." Actually, Dr. Pepper sucks too. Here I am taking my poop pill and washing it down with a margarita.  Here's the beach that wouldn't let us drink, now known as La Playa De Bill Frist because apparently, drinking is illegal for Americans.  Here's a picture of The Indian version of Maverick/Top Gun  We're sloppy drunk now. Just causing a general raucus. At the English Pub there, Nation kicks it off with some blonde waitress from the Czech Republic who says she's going to party with us tonight. As we're leaving, Nation says "I'm going to introduce her Eastern Block to my Indian Nightmare." I spew beer everywhere. Later that night, we watch an improv show around 7. We're drinking two michelob ultras. The troupe is doing a routine about Stephen King and make a reference to The Pet Cemetary. Nation laughs mid sip - spits his beer all over himself and the poor lady behind him in a rain of Pilsner. The husband looks like he's going to throw fistacuffs. I'm laughing hysterically and Nations turns all red. We go to the club later after he changes. I dance a lot and sign "I've Got Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks with these people..  For your entertainment, here's a picture of a Wee Wee Soprano and a the female moby dick.  Here's me taking a picture of myself and the mother of the brazillian girl.  The tease again... Except tonight I ACTUALLY USE SOME GAME  I decide to ignore her the entire night. I make out quickly with the Asian girl below and grind with her for the entire night. The sole purpose of this was to make the other girl extremely jealous. I saw her staring at me the entire night but I got too drank afterwards. This picture is what my vision was like:  It was a fun night, but I didn't get the desired result as the Brazillian girl probably got frustrated and went home. Everyone is saying that the Asian girl is hotter, which she might be... butI was more attracted to the other girl. Don't ask me why. Day 6 - We're in Cabo San Lucas! OH [censored] we drank too much Ahhhh hangover free mornings tend to lead to heavy sleeps. So much so that we ended up waking up at 1PM.. 2 hours before the boat leaves Cabo. We missed it. The entire time I was thinking about the Ari quote. "I should take you back to Cabo" "It was a Red Roof Inn in Rosarito" "It sure felt like Cabo to me" We just sit in the room and watch several movies including one with Bruce Willis and Shrek 2. Night rolls around and we go to another improv comedy show. I get picked as one of the two volunteers. Basically, we control the movement of the guy and the girl comedian. The other volunteer was straight up WASPY. I was controlling the girl and kept trying to get her to stroke the other guys dangle or get on her knees so their commentary would actually be funny. Stupid Protestants Anglosaxons. At the bar that night, I decide to hang with the Brazillian Girls little brother and show him how to do the Raptor Dance.   We go nuts, dancing on chairs, sliding across the dancefloor , spilling drinks etc... Then he did what all 4 year olds do after 1 too many coca colas:  I already used this image but it was from the wrong night.  I make out with the Brazillian girl a bit on the dancefloor then ask her if she wants to walk around. She says NO! WTFTEFEWFWEFJIODAFJAIOFJoiasf [censored] me Jesus Christ. I wasted so much time on her. Day 7 - ORGY ORGY ORGY ORGY and Poker Tournament We're still at sea and I'm dissapointed because I haven't gotten laid yet. Just a bunch of blue balls and broken dreams. There's a $60 rebuy poker tournament with a 12$ rake at 2PM. We decide to go play. It had a great structure designed for lots of play. 25/50 blinds 2k starting chips and blinds double every 15 minutes. Against all these donkeys, how could my skill not shine? It's like a 6 max tournament with people playing at BLACKJACK tables. Some dude limps UTG, I bump it to 250 with 88 and everyone calls. UTG minraises (LOL). I push. He's about to muck it. I think he has something stupid like 55, AT, K9 who knows. I'm like "come on. gamble. You don't have aces do you? Lets play." He Calls. They run out the cards, all rags. I'm like ship it crucial. He tables 99 and I lose it essential. I yell out rebuy and this old guy says "careful! Are you sure you know what you're doing. It's a lot of money" I challenge him to a 10k hu fight yo for rolls like he was OldHov. Not really. I just saw this as an opportunity to make fun of the gasketcase that is Younghov. I rebuy, bust out pushbotting with AT vs J7 obv and decide that I want to go do something else instead. Nation has a massive stack, but the blinds are so big that he's pushbotting. The old lady the pink nicknames him Super Poo-bear because he's soft and crazy like winnie the poo but super because he has lots of chippies. I want to go drink at this point but I can't by myself because I'm not 21. So I'm sweating Nation hoping he busts soon even though we traded 50% in this massive MTT. This chump who watches poker on ESPN tells Nation "I'm going to get you boy if you keep doing that stupid all in move." I respond slyly "Yea, if you have any chips left after he's done robbing your ass gangsta style." He gets pissed. He could probably break me. Luckily, I have super poo bear on my side. Super Poo bear pushes K9o on the button. This idiot donkeyface thinks about calling. Nation goads him into calling.. with Q7o. We both laugh, obviously knowing what's coming. Flop 986 Turn 9 River 5. Super Poobear gets cut in half. It's the chump espn guys BB and nation wakes up with 77. The chump calls. The dealer sorts out the chips.... Nation has him covered by 
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#2
12-02-2006, 12:22 AM
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Re: Floating Boats, Goats and The Poobear - Part 2 -> Slider/Nation Cr
One Chip.
The espn chump turns over AK triumphantly like he was the man. Flop: AK2 He smiles. Turn: 2 River: BANG 7 "Boo Ya.. Sorry Kid" he yells. Nation says "NOT TODAY. TRIP 7s. THANK YOU COME AGAIN" He gets busted out later. Orgy Orgy Orgy We eat at the steakhouse that night. It was awesome. We go back to the club and Nation gets tired around 12:30. I decide to stay and get way to shitfaced from other people buying drinks. I spent most of the night working game on the Asian girl, but I went outside for a smoke around 1 and she wasn't there anymore. At 1:15, I decide I'm too wasted and start to walk over to the elevator. Then I look at my watch and realize that this is the second to last day. [censored] it. I'm going back and drinking water to sober up and party hardcore. I end up talking to this blonde 25 year old who's a stripper at the Rhino (I think) in L.A. and her boyfriend who wasa musician on the ship. The stripper was hot was dancing like a stripper on him on the dance floor. As fate would have it, the Asian girl and her friend end up coming back to the club like 15 minutes later. They did the exact same thing that I did - except the friend wanted to go sleep and the Asian girl wanted to party. YAHTZEE - PLAY BALL The only problem is where was I going to take her? My first thought was the roof deck that you saw in the previous post and just do her dirty on a beach chair. We drink a ton with the blonde stripper and her boyfriend the singer. He starts to sing a little bit and I can definitely tell that we're all wasted. They ask if we want to drink with them in her boyfriends cabin. Great Idea! Free Booze and possibly a place to sex her up if they have a balcony. The asian girl and I dance for like 30 more minutes making out and literally humping and groping eachother on dancefloor. She's biting my neck, I'm nibbling on her ear - things are going good. I still have a bruise from that vampire on my shoulder. We finally go to his room. And... There's just one giant bed there. Now, I'm too wasted to even stand straight at this point. We ask him to play the guitar. The stripper says she has to get changed... Gets totally naked in front of all of us and puts on these boxers and a see thru cami-esque thingy. The guy starts to play some foofy song about "Your the best one thing to happen to me" or some other donkeyshit while I'm going to town on the Asian girl. The girls titties are popping out of her dress at this point and I don't care that those two are sitting right next to me. The asian girl takes of her dress and starts to undress me. I'm thinking wtf this is so weird. They're just like sitting there. Literally one minute later, the blonde chick is on top of her boyfriend naked sucking him off. I see this and am still thinking "this is so [censored] weird" The asian girl is yelling [censored] me. I want to oblige, but I'd rather get head first so I shove her body down and she goes to pwn town. Then in the corner of my eye, I see the guy get up. Boy did he have a tiny dangle. It made me feel good about myself, so that made the situation a little less awkward. Would have sucked to be him. He goes to the bathroom. The girl jumps restraddles the girl and starts playing with my balls. I'm in [censored] paradise. They then switch and I'm getting head from a stripper (I hope I didn't get any diseases). The guy comes out like 5 minutes later and I'm thinking "oh [censored]... he's gonna be pissed. This is his girlfriend who's obviously wasted and tired of his tiny shwing shwong." "That looks like fun. He repositions the blonde across the bed so that's she perpendicular to me still sucking and takes her doggy while the Asian girl is licking everywhere. After a bit of this fun, I try to [censored] the Asian girl... but I can't fit it in Missionairy. I try to lift one leg up... still no dice. I grab some lube... still no dice. Jesus, this girls vageene (Borat~) was like the size of a quarter. Finally Doggy works, we [censored] for awhile. She gets off once (I think.. I felt contractions. Yay me!) and I finish. Then the stripper b-lines to the bathroom and starts throwing up. Too much to drink. I get dressed, but the Asian girl is still drinking. She goes to town on this Smrinof Rasperry Vodka bottle. I'm telling her that's not a good idea. About 20 minutes later, I have to carry her, her shoes, and her purse all the way across the boat. That sucked... But hey - an orgy is an experience I never thought I'd have. Day 8 - Slider tries to get with the Brazillian Girl Again We're partying with the Asian Girl and her friend on the last night. Having a good time, and I know that I'll get laid again easily. The Brazillian girl whispers in my ear "I have to tell you a secret." Obv, every guy wants what he can't get so I went. She tells me that the reason she kept kicking me out was that she was only 16 but turns 17 in a month My jaw drops. I felt a little weird becauseI actually really liked this girl. She was fun to hang out with. Nation hated her though. I said what the hell and went with it. But there was no place to go.. So we ended up fooling around in the Jurassic Park Machine in the Arcade. Obv, I didn't have sex because that would be illegal, but we had fun.  That's the end. Sorry this was too long. BTW - I should get a cool custom title for entertaining y'all. This took way too long to write wtf! Any suggestions?
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#4
12-02-2006, 12:27 AM
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Re: Floating Boats, Goats and The Poobear - Part 2 -> Slider/Nation Cr
[ QUOTE ]
I already used this image but it was from the wrong night. [/ QUOTE ] no ya didn't, i h4x0r3d your ass and posted it
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#7
12-02-2006, 12:52 AM
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Re: Floating Boats, Goats and The Poobear - Part 2 -> Slider/Nation Cr
Slider,
Tell nation to stop the hate. That [censored] wasn't gay at all. Congratulations on the foursome, but don't sell yourself short. It can and will happen again. Nation, Stop the hate. Also, I don't know why you think you couldn't have gotten any of the chicks on this boat. I'm disappointed that you didn't get laid. Cruises are the easiest place to bang girls (aside from spring break) because anyone who is getting drunk at the club wants it to happen. Don't sell yourself short. Good overall, and yes Ixtapa is a shithole. Also, Cabo is the best on all of your stops so it sucks that you missed it.
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