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#11
10-04-2006, 01:23 PM
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Re: One more creative writing post
[ QUOTE ]
The bomb that had struck had penetrated the roof and upper floor before continuing through the concrete floor and sinking to a depth of about fifty feet and exploding. [/ QUOTE ] Too many words to describe a bomb's impact. It should be explosive and hit the reader between the eyes. [ QUOTE ] its head lolling to one side at a careless angle. [/ QUOTE ] A corpse can't do anything but carelessly. Awkwardly, perhaps. But it's a great concept. A couple things: Write what feels like a natural style. Don't make the mistake of writing to sell it to a publisher. For a CSI/Iraqi conflict mesh, you have to pick up the pace, yet not lose the descriptive aspects. Staccato yet not being choppy. Give your audience a hurry-up and wait aspect to the narrative, but change the dialogue to suit moods, and don't overdo the shock value. Just thoughts, man. Like I said, the concept's great. 
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#12
10-04-2006, 02:30 PM
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Re: One more creative writing post
It's funny about the raw thing, because I thought the second part was better than the first.
I think maybe it's because there was less dialogue. Not that the dialogue was bad per se, it just seemed overly stiff, overly formal. I'd assume these folks have some kind of language specific to their profession, their region, their class. Ever watch the wire? That show's quite good at what Im talking about. I think you manage this detached narration well. Some of the more personal observations, like the rpg through the window or "the man was a pig," screw up the tone for me. As far as sounding plausible, you're doing a hell of a job with that, certainly continue writing it. This is a short story, right? If that's the case you might need to pick up the pace a little bit, as you don't want the thing going on 50 pages.
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#13
10-04-2006, 02:37 PM
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Re: One more creative writing post
[ QUOTE ]
It's funny about the raw thing, because I thought the second part was better than the first. I think maybe it's because there was less dialogue. Not that the dialogue was bad per se, it just seemed overly stiff, overly formal. I'd assume these folks have some kind of language specific to their profession, their region, their class. Ever watch the wire? That show's quite good at what Im talking about. I think you manage this detached narration well. Some of the more personal observations, like the rpg through the window or "the man was a pig," screw up the tone for me. As far as sounding plausible, you're doing a hell of a job with that, certainly continue writing it. This is a short story, right? If that's the case you might need to pick up the pace a little bit, as you don't want the thing going on 50 pages. [/ QUOTE ] Um, no. It's going to be at least a 500 page novel.
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