the most inappropriate thing you've ever said/heard - Page 15

MtSmalls · #**141** 09-21-2006, 07:12 PM

The day before my wedding, I had most of the wedding guests at my house for dinner (in lieu of a rehersal dinner). It was May, so we went with an outdoor BBQ. My soon-to-be wife had caught a late spring cold which developed into a mild case of laryngitis. She'd been trying not to speak for the past two days to save her voice for the wedding.

I was standing in a small group in the back yard, mostly fraternity brothers plus my brother-in-law. She came over to chat with everyone, and get introductions (she hadn't met most of my friends from out of state). I made the requisite introductions, and she apologized for her voice being out (it was raspy and squeaky at the time). Showing off, I said "she complains when she loses her voice, but she doesn't complain when I make her scream every night".

next thing I know, I get smacked upside the head. NOT by my wife, who is now completely mortified, but by my MOTHER who happened to come up behind me during the conversation....

terrapin314 · #**142** 09-21-2006, 07:23 PM

Years ago, I worked in an ER and was taking this one legged guy back to his bed. The guy was pretty mobile, otherwise, so when we got to his room, I said, "Go ahead and hop up into bed."

He just sorta scowled at me.

niss · #**143** 09-21-2006, 08:18 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Niss I dont believe that for a second.

[/ QUOTE ]

Absolutely true. I swear.

octop · #**144** 09-21-2006, 08:34 PM

[ QUOTE ]
9/11 related ones...

On 9/11- "So does this mean we'll have school off tomorrow?"

The next day I had school was 9/13. My retard physics professor was bitching about people not having their HW. On 9/11 (my college was in Mnahtten BTW) my 1 PM stat class had 3 people in it (it was an 80 person class- I was not there)
The next class the teacher apologized for holding class but said he hadnt heard about the attack. Gee [censored] when 3 people out of 80 show up you might wanna find out if anything has happened.

TTChamp · #**145** 09-21-2006, 09:04 PM

When I was a junior at Pitt I had this serious gf. I went to NYC with her to meet the family. By an unfortunate coincidence her grand father died of Leukemia (might be remembering disease wrong, but I think this was it) right before we got there. So I end up going to the funeral with her. Obviously this was awkward.

It got more awkward because I ended up sitting mostly by myself on a couch surrounded by all the young kids there. I'm not particularly good with kids, but I was winning points with her family by just keeping them out of everyones hair.

I start running low on material with the kids so I go to an old stand by. I decide I'm going to do the "do you know if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer" joke. For those of you that don't know this joke, when the guy puts his hand up to his face you push on it and make him hit himself in the face.

So any way I say to one of the kids "did you know that if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer?" Some how a dozen or more of the adults in the vicinity hear this and the whole room seems to go quiet. Apparently Leukemia is a form of cancer.

AMJisBusted · #**146** 09-21-2006, 09:09 PM

[ QUOTE ]
When I was a junior at Pitt I had this serious gf. I went to NYC with her to meet the family. By an unfortunate coincidence her grand father died of Leukemia (might be remembering disease wrong, but I think this was it) right before we got there. So I end up going to the funeral with her. Obviously this was awkward.

It got more awkward because I ended up sitting mostly by myself on a couch surrounded by all the young kids there. I'm not particularly good with kids, but I was winning points with her family by just keeping them out of everyones hair.

I start running low on material with the kids so I go to an old stand by. I decide I'm going to do the "do you know if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer" joke. For those of you that don't know this joke, when the guy puts his hand up to his face you push on it and make him hit himself in the face.

So any way I say to one of the kids "did you know that if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer?" Some how a dozen or more of the adults in the vicinity hear this and the whole room seems to go quiet. Apparently Leukemia is a form of cancer.

[/ QUOTE ]

Wow, this was hilarious, how the hell did you feel afterward?

aggie · #**147** 09-21-2006, 09:26 PM

We were at Denny's and my obese friend asked for his homefries smothered and covered (covered with country gravy cheese and bacon). We all laughed at him and called him a fatass. The waitress smiled. When she returned with his food she goes "here's you're food fatty." Dead silence. She got an 11 cent tip.

Uethym · #**148** 09-21-2006, 09:34 PM

Mild but funny stories:

1. My gaming group has just finished playing a German board game. We're putting it away, and it has one of those trays where every piece fits precisely into its own slot. We finish, and one girl says, "How wonderful is that. Those Germans. I think they may be the world's most perfect people." Host is Jewish. The girl never quite figures out why everyone else is laughing.

2. My officemate in graduate school was Chinese. There was a speech mannerism that he and the other Chinese graduate students shared. When you were talking to them, they would say "Yes yes yes yes yes...", but that didn't mean "I understand". It meant "I'm listening". They might not understand a word.

So one day (pre-9/11) we both had to fly to the same conference in NY, and he's in front of me in the ticket agent line. The agent asks him, "Are you carrying any kind of explosives onto the plane?" "Yes, yes yes yes," he says. She looks disconcerted, then angry. "Sir, I ask again, are you carrying any kind of explosives onto the plane?" "Yes yes yes", he says. The ticket agent starts looking around frantically for the nearest security guard.

I lean in behind him and whisper very slowly, "She's...asking...if...you...have...a...bomb." "OOHHH, NO no no no no!" he says.

3. Ever play the Penis Game? The goal is to see who has the guts to say "penis" the loudest in a public place. Particularly fun and effective in a restaurant with slow service.

Anyway, a group of us are in Disneyland of all places, and somebody suggests the Penis Game. We're all duly afraid of the Disneyland Secret Police (one of our group used to work there), so nobody will say it above a whisper. "Why don't we switch to a similar-sounding but less offensive word, like, I don't know...'pancreas'?", I say. "Well that's boring", says one guy, who then leans back and yells "PAAAAAAANNNCCCCCRRRREEEEAAAASSSS!!!" at the top of his lungs right in the Space Mountain line. We are given a wide berth for the rest of the wait.

Uethym · #**149** 09-21-2006, 09:40 PM

4. It's the last day to drop classes at Caltech, and Joe can't find his advisor anywhere to sign his drop card. "(@#&$, he should know better! Next time I see him I'm gonna kick his [censored * infinity]!" And on and on, to anyone who would listen.

Later that day we found out that the previous evening, his advisor had attacked his wife and children with an ax, and when they fled the house (they all survived), he burned it down, killing himself inside. True story. Stressful school, that Caltech is.

mpslg · #**150** 09-21-2006, 09:49 PM

I was in college and a bunch of us are drinking in my friends room. He had a microwave and somebody came in wanting to pop some popcorn in it. My friend said he could, but be careful because it's the "Aushwitz" model. My friend forgot about the jewish girl sitting right next to him. There was complete silence until she left the room.