why us customs and immigration rule (trip report)

[treason]

me and some friends head down to the united states of america to enjoy a baseball game, something unavailable here. nine of us, so three cars. in the last car are myself, gael garcia bernal, benicio del toro and antonio banderas (all names changed). we hit the border, and as i am not a citizen of either the country we are entering or the country we are leaving, we are asked to pull over and come inside so i can pay $8 for a visa. OR SO WE THINK.

we get in the far too long line behind this gorgeous somewhereistani blonde and her thugged up eastern bloc boyfriend with the most beautiful passports i've ever seen. sky blue with cyrillic lettering in gold foil. i thought my burgundy euro passport was hot. i fill out the customs and immigration declaration form while we wait. my friends whine and complain that i don't have my citizenship and that we have to wait in line. during this, this nice old border guy comes out and very politely asks everyone to step to one side. then about six not so nice border guys appear from the back and briskly approach and arrest this balding fat (in a 'used to be muscular but got lazy' way) dude in a stained wife beater. i say, 'i wonder if they'd get pissed if i took pictures' and one of the scarier border guys shoots me an evil look. my camera stays in my pocket. white trash and his honor guard disappear into the back. an auspicious beginning.

we finally get to the counter, and this overly cheerful border guy takes our passports and asks us to have a seat. meanwhile, the ex-russian mobster and his model 'friend' try to convince a different border guy that they are students and they are just visiting the us for the weekend. amazingly, they get their visas in like three minutes. must be their hypnotically amazing passports. we sit for over thirty and play with someone's dog while it waits to clear customs.

our cheerful border guy calls up antonio, which surprises us a bit. they talk for about ten minutes, out of earshot, while the rest of us ogle these hot hot dutch chicks getting their visas. antonio comes back and sits down all sullen and shaking his head. our border guy disappears. antonio is not volunteering anything so we ignore him and discuss baseball to appease our american captors.

finally, many minutes later, antonio gets called back up to the counter by our smiling border guy. they talk for like 15 minutes and we try to eavesdrop but fail. i get called up and antonio gets sent back. cheerful border guy tells me, 'i don't want to ruin your trip and i can't really discuss details, but your friend antonio is not going to be allowed into the us today. you and your friends will probably have to drive him back onto the canadian side of the border'. i am kinda shocked, so i say, 'uhhhh'.

he then tells me it'll be $8 for my visa and tells me no canadian money. i hand him an american $20 and he says, 'ahh! ol hickory! do you know why they call him that?' i shake my head. 'well, the story goes that he used to use a hickory stick as a walking aid and one day, out near the capital, some varmint said something disparaging about his lady companion blah blah blah blah...'

he finishes his story, gives me my change and my passport plus those of gael and benicio and says, 'welcome to america!' all enthusiastically.

where else would i get an awesome andrew jackson anecdote to go along with my friend being barred from the usa?

anyways, i assume antonio has told benicio and gael what's going on, so i say, 'that sucked' and they nod and say 'yup'. we walk outside (with antonio) and this new border guy follows us. i stop to call a girl and tell her my andrew jackson story and the next thing i know the border guy is escorting antonio (who has removed his stuff from the car) back into the building. gael and benicio are like, 'wtf?' and i am like, 'wtf you don't know? neither do i'. antonio didn't get sent to gitmo or anything though, although he won't tell us why he was barred. mysterious.

[wiper]

i....don't know quite what to make of all that.

gimme a minute.

[LuckOfTheDraw]

[ QUOTE ]
me and some friends

[/ QUOTE ]

some friends and i

[HtotheNootch]

Antonio's problem was that he tried to cross our Northern border.